BUT WHAT IF WE LOST THE BRAND...?

Just read this and it is too good not to put up.

All right, come on – they're having a laugh now surely? I really thought they’d peaked just a few days ago with the sensational news that food prices COULD go up in supermarkets in the event of a Yes vote. This never-ending tale of woes that will befall Scotland should she have the audacity to want the same powers as any other normal nation is fairly dwarfing the Scottish Government’s white paper. Still, to be fair to the “we cannaes” I suppose lots of things COULD happen. Johann Lamont could appear semi-coherent at First Minister’s Questions, Labour MP’s could turn down their 11% pay rise and Anas Sarwar could turn up to do his job by representing his constituents at a vote on the bedroom tax although I accept that I may be stretching the definitions of the word just a bit in these examples.

Still, as wacky as this revelation was, and let’s face it – it was seriously wacky, I really didn’t expect Boris Johnson to wade into the debate shortly after and top even this one in the way he made a complete and utter arse of himself while delivering a speech at the London School of Economics.

“The last thing we should think of doing is breaking up the union between England and Scotland that helps make Britain one of the most successful political constructions in history,” he opined. It does make you pretty thankful that we avoided being part of one of the worst. We wouldn’t want the likes of Ireland or Iceland from the Arc of Insolvency overtaking us on the Legatum Prosperity Index which measures wealth, economic growth and quality of life after all.

The audience held its breath. Could it be that this great orator, the next Prime-Minister-in-waiting was about to advance the long sought-after, but as yet unseen, positive case for the union? Would he reveal the benefit that Scotland could expect to gain after dealing a crushing blow to Salmond’s ego-tripping folly? He didn’t disappoint…

“We’d lose an identity that is of huge value to people who come here and who find it hard to think of themselves immediately as English. And we’d lose our brand. I was in Kuwait and watching a shopper buy underpants made in Devon, and that was because the shop had red, white and blue union flags outside and guardsmen in busbies guarding the door.”

“FFS” I believe is the term I’m looking for. Where I grew up, watching men buying underwear was liable to get you lamped and I’m sure there must be some medical term with a big Latin name for someone who travels to the Middle East to see such sights. Me, I’d have gone to the pyramids or the likes but each to their own. Is this really all they’ve got? It looks very much like it. Surely if they had more compelling reasons we’d be hearing about them? I can only hope that they’re saving them for the last 3 months of the campaign so it can at least be a fair fight.

So there you have it. The union won’t be saved because of the devastating debating skills of some distinguished former holder of one of the great offices of State like Alistair Darling. It’ll be because some anonymous dude shelled out on a pair of drawers in a back-street bazaar in downtown Kuwait.

Soooo... maybe if we lost the butcher's apron brand, we could try our own