I wasn't going to say any more about the birth of Prince
Dwayne or whatever he is to be called, but I was intrigued to hear that Ms Lamont
had not had, or at least had not expressed, an opinion on the subject, so I looked up the BBC website’s piece on
Scotland's leaders' messages.
It starts off quite reasonably (for the BBC).
Alex Salmond led Scotland's congratulations to the Duke and Duchess of
Cambridge on the birth of their baby son. (Well, I suppose he would, although I suspect that the first minister would probably have used the Earl and Earless [or whatever] of Strathearn).
Mr Salmond said: "I am sure that people across Scotland
will be absolutely thrilled to hear the news of the birth of a baby boy to the
royal couple." (Of course Eck is not always right… there are those who don't care much one way or the other, but I suppose in fairness it's hardly the done thing to point that out.)
Scotland Secretary Michael Moore, who appears to be second
in the pecking order, said he was delighted to hear that the royal couple,
known as the Earl and Countess of Strathearn in Scotland (ah that's the word, earless makes it sound like the gal doesn't have any ears!), had welcomed a
healthy baby boy. (I wonder if HE used the Strathearn title or the BBC edited it in.)
"The birth of an heir is a significant event for our
country and the excitement and warmth on display has shown how much it matters
to people across the UK. (He had to get that in… even though he has no remit outside
Scotland and he was being asked as SOS for Scotland. To be fair to him, like Eck, he has to trot out the expected drivel, even if I've yet to see or hear of anyone in Scotland who gives a damn.)
Scottish Conservative leader Ruth Davidson said: "It's
thrilling the whole country can welcome this future king into the world. (The
whole of what country, Ruth? He will possibly [it’s maybe 60 years away] be
king of 17 countries… do they get a say? Why not say, THE COUNTRY or COMMONWEALTH? Why make it political?)
Anas Sarwar, deputy leader of (imaginary) Scottish Labour, said:
"Our congratulations go to the proud parents who must be delighted this
moment has finally come (finally come? Has it been like 10 months or something?) and they have our best wishes on this
"The extraordinary scenes outside the hospital and the
palace are testament to the joy felt all around the world for the new arrival
and a fresh chapter begins in our country's future." (That's overdoing the drivel! How would scenes at two locations in London be testament to emotions in any other place, never mind all over the bloody world?)
But soft, where is the fragrant Johann? Is she in her bunker deep below Glasgow …in case Trident goes
off by mistake, or so Ed can keep her hidden, or is she a republican who can't be trusted to say anything nice about the royals? Or is she just getting her pink jacket cleaned for the occasion?)
The Church of Scotland said: "The birth of a baby is a
special event in any couple's life and a true gift from God." (Or... possibly
the result of some royal sexual intercourse, maybe? …atheists have babies too!)
Lord Provost and Lord-Lieutenant of Aberdeen George Adam
said: "I am absolutely thrilled to hear the happy news and glad to know
that the Duchess of Cambridge and the baby are doing well.
"I am sure their royal highnesses will make wonderful
parents (are you?) and hope that they will be given time and the privacy to enjoy this
very special time together as a family." (Without people with inflated
opinions of their own importance making pronouncements on it.) OK, I lied; he
never said the last bit. I was just wondering why anyone asked him.
And the second big question of the day is… where the hell
is wee Willie Rennie? When it comes to rent a gob, he’s not usually the
Anyway...prizes for the person who guesses the bairn's name. I think it probably won't be Dwayne.