THE BIGGEST OF ALL THE BIG HITTERS ARRIVES IN SCOTLAND

"Well, that's it; we're sunk the noo, chuckle, chuckle", said Alex Salmond, reported a Downing Street source.

I've just been reading Wee Ginger Dug’s hilarious evaluation of the four so-called Labour so-called big hitters that the Tory Together team are sending up from London to persuade us to vote for more illegal wars, more high speed railways in England, better sewers in London, Crossrail, mass slaughter of the disabled and sick, and humiliation of the poor, the old and the unemployed. 

I was in a gang too. I was one of Lord Snooty's little chums

You might think that that it’s all a rather negative message, but I assure you, there are positives.

We are being urged, too, to vote for no pay restraint (on bankers), Gary Barlow’s ennoblement for being a far more efficient tax fiddler than any silly Labour comic (and living in Eton Dave’s constituency, and contributing to Dave’s campaign).

Most of all, they are urging us to vote for “punching above our weight” and “clout”, the small word with a big meaning, at least for those who enjoy the benefits of it. 

Oh yum yum. I wish I were an ordinary person and
could eat food like this delicious...erm, what is it?

The benefits of all this punching and having  clout, for those that don’t know, are that, instead of wasting money on nonsensical things like decent roads, railways, health, education, social services, pensions, housing, and all that trivia, we get to have the fourth largest military spend in the world and our “leaders” get to travel around, first class, sometimes even in the bed of no lesser a personage than the President of the United States of America (although not, I hasten to point out, at the same time as he is in it).  

So it’s a hard choice… Gideon Osborne and Eton Dave Cameron, Theresa May, and her wellies and Godzilla Carmichael, Willie “tremble Putin” and Pinocchio Clegg  all bigging themselves up, so that we can bask in their reflected glory… or health, welfare, decency, education, dignity in old age… 

It's kept me looking smooth and it all comes from
your lovely country

But, to add to the excitement of these biggish hitters (you have to read the Dug’s piece to find out who they are), today the biggest hitter (is that the right spelling) of them all arrives in Scotland.

In their infinite wisdom, and with their usual grasp of the general feelings of the nation’s “ordinary” citizenry (although technically within the UK Scots are “subjects” not “citizens”), the people at BT, who brought you such epics as Gordon Brown, Alistair Carmichael, Iain Duncan Smith, Philip Hammond,  and Dandy Alexander, have decided that what the No Campaign needs gravitas. And who is more like the grave, fresh from his encounter with Pedro the Jellyfish, than ETON DAVE. 

That was a tad selfish, wasn't it?

That’s right. Taking time out from sleeping in the President’s bed on Airforce one, and presumably based on the recently released opinion polls showing that he is on course for a win the next general election in the UK, along with Nigel Farage, Dave has been persuaded that it is in the best interests of the greatest union in the history of the universe, for him to get REALLY involved… to actually stay in our country overnight (and not either at Balmoral, or on his father-in-law’s Islay shooting  estate!).

The pressure this time is on him to be seen with ordinary people. Previously he has flown in for the day and spent time on a nuclear submarine, a boardroom and an oil rig… Unfortunately they do not consider Alex Salmond to be an “ordinary” person, so he won’t be doing any debating!

Hm, Dave. Just a wee tip.
We don't actually speak like that in this country

But with the new Nob Orders priority being “unpolished” people, we can expect to see the prime minister in the real Scotland amid our rough cut diamonds, where doubtless he will be given the rousing welcome that he deserves.

 

My names Jock McJock the Coo.
I'm the welcoming committee.
They said you didn't want to lock horns with Mr Salmond
So I'm the soft option...
My friend Pedro said you tasted of fois gras
I've never had fois gras...

Oh how Blair Jenkins and Dennis Canavan must be rubbing their hands with glee.