THE BIGGEST OF ALL THE BIG HITTERS ARRIVES IN SCOTLAND

"Well, that's it; we're sunk the noo, chuckle, chuckle", said Alex Salmond, reported a Downing Street source.

I've just been reading Wee Ginger Dug’s hilarious evaluation of the four so-called Labour so-called big hitters that the Tory Together team are sending up from London to persuade us to vote for more illegal wars, more high speed railways in England, better sewers in London, Crossrail, mass slaughter of the disabled and sick, and humiliation of the poor, the old and the unemployed. 

I was in a gang too. I was one of Lord Snooty's little chums

You might think that that it’s all a rather negative message, but I assure you, there are positives.

We are being urged, too, to vote for no pay restraint (on bankers), Gary Barlow’s ennoblement for being a far more efficient tax fiddler than any silly Labour comic (and living in Eton Dave’s constituency, and contributing to Dave’s campaign).

Most of all, they are urging us to vote for “punching above our weight” and “clout”, the small word with a big meaning, at least for those who enjoy the benefits of it. 

Oh yum yum. I wish I were an ordinary person and
could eat food like this delicious...erm, what is it?

The benefits of all this punching and having  clout, for those that don’t know, are that, instead of wasting money on nonsensical things like decent roads, railways, health, education, social services, pensions, housing, and all that trivia, we get to have the fourth largest military spend in the world and our “leaders” get to travel around, first class, sometimes even in the bed of no lesser a personage than the President of the United States of America (although not, I hasten to point out, at the same time as he is in it).  

So it’s a hard choice… Gideon Osborne and Eton Dave Cameron, Theresa May, and her wellies and Godzilla Carmichael, Willie “tremble Putin” and Pinocchio Clegg  all bigging themselves up, so that we can bask in their reflected glory… or health, welfare, decency, education, dignity in old age… 

It's kept me looking smooth and it all comes from
your lovely country

But, to add to the excitement of these biggish hitters (you have to read the Dug’s piece to find out who they are), today the biggest hitter (is that the right spelling) of them all arrives in Scotland.

In their infinite wisdom, and with their usual grasp of the general feelings of the nation’s “ordinary” citizenry (although technically within the UK Scots are “subjects” not “citizens”), the people at BT, who brought you such epics as Gordon Brown, Alistair Carmichael, Iain Duncan Smith, Philip Hammond,  and Dandy Alexander, have decided that what the No Campaign needs gravitas. And who is more like the grave, fresh from his encounter with Pedro the Jellyfish, than ETON DAVE. 

That was a tad selfish, wasn't it?

That’s right. Taking time out from sleeping in the President’s bed on Airforce one, and presumably based on the recently released opinion polls showing that he is on course for a win the next general election in the UK, along with Nigel Farage, Dave has been persuaded that it is in the best interests of the greatest union in the history of the universe, for him to get REALLY involved… to actually stay in our country overnight (and not either at Balmoral, or on his father-in-law’s Islay shooting  estate!).

The pressure this time is on him to be seen with ordinary people. Previously he has flown in for the day and spent time on a nuclear submarine, a boardroom and an oil rig… Unfortunately they do not consider Alex Salmond to be an “ordinary” person, so he won’t be doing any debating!

Hm, Dave. Just a wee tip.
We don't actually speak like that in this country

But with the new Nob Orders priority being “unpolished” people, we can expect to see the prime minister in the real Scotland amid our rough cut diamonds, where doubtless he will be given the rousing welcome that he deserves.

 

My names Jock McJock the Coo.
I'm the welcoming committee.
They said you didn't want to lock horns with Mr Salmond
So I'm the soft option...
My friend Pedro said you tasted of fois gras
I've never had fois gras...

Oh how Blair Jenkins and Dennis Canavan must be rubbing their hands with glee.

WHO SHOULD DEBATE WITH WHOM?

As I see it, public debate can only reasonably take place between people who hold relatively similar positions in the campaign and therefore approximately the same level of responsibility and authority.

So, that should be as follows.

Managers/Organisers of the respective campaigns

Blair Jenkins (YES) and Blair MacDougall (NO)

Chairmen of the respective campaigns

Dennis Canavan (YES) and Alistair Darling (NO)

Ministers responsible to their respective governments

Nicola Sturgeon (YES) and Michael Moore (NO)

Heads of their respective governments.

Alex Salmond (YES) and David Cameron (NO)

The idea that Alex Salmond would debate with Alistair Darling is just silly. Alistair Darling is a back bench opposition MP who will be quite incapable of speaking on the part of the UK government. He wouldn't be able to commit to spending. He wouldn't be able to respond to the questions that need to be answered, because he simply hasn't the power.

It's not a question of status. I'm sure for those that care about that sort of thing, an ex-chancellor of the exchequer is every bit as "important" a person, by British class standards, as the first minister of a celtic fringe nation. It is, however, about the authority that Darling has to commit the UK government  to any particular action. He has none, but as FM, Alex has the ability to commit the Scottish government to actions.

If Mr Cameron thinks that he is too busy running the world under Mr Obama's direction or too important to debate with a mere first minister, who may, in any case be infected by a virus, then perhaps he should send along the man who represents his government in Scotland, Michael Moore. 

However, if I believed in this thing with every fibre of my being, as Cameron once told us he did, I'm damned sure I'd not be sending along Mr Pointless to fight my corner.
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I THINK YOU MAY FIND THIS INTERESTING AND USEFUL (NOT TO MENTION HUMOUROUS) 
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For Panda Paws!

WELL, WE FILLED THE HILL

Munguin and Humza Yousaf, Minister for
 External Affairs and International Development

WOW. JUST WOW!

I don't think any of us expected it to be that amazing. Well, I didn't anyway.  I've never been on a march before. I'm more a 'write about it' kind of person than a 'go on a march' kind of person. 

But I'd wanted to go last year, and couldn't because I'd previously arranged to take an old lady out for a run in the country that day! So I swore I would go this time, come hell or high water.

So in some convivial and comfortable company, Munguin and I set on in the car yesterday. And we hadn't a clue what to expect. Our companions hadn't been before either.

What we found though was better that we had dared hope for.

I don't know about numbers. At one stage the BBC said 8,000. Then they said "more than 8000". A police inspector there on crown control (not that control was needed from what I could see) suggested 30,000*. I'm useless at judging numbers so I don't have a clue how many there were. But there were a lot.

We were among the first to arrive
so Munguin got a badge

The atmosphere was amazing. People just seemed to like one another, maybe because there was a common goal. But all marches are, I suppose, have common golals, and it doesn't seem to me that they are as warm as this one was. People were talking to people they'd never met before, sharing stories, sharing biscuits and snacks. I saw no evidence of any trouble, nor of any drinking, nor indeed much litter (although with all the leaflets that were being handed out, I imagine that the hill will need a bit of a clean today). There were people of all ages. Kids I suppose who didn't have much choice, but teens, through to people who were clearly in their 80s or even 90s. The place was a sea of kilts. 

There were people of various ethnic backgrounds (lovely to see Asian Scots in kilts), and I was blessed by God and by Allah within a few minutes... not bad going for an atheist!

We marched (well OK, dandered) next to a group from Orkney, under their flag, and one of the ladies was telling me that there was a contingent from YES PAPA STOUR!. Among the more surprising banners we noticed one from Free Venice! 

Il y avait partout des affiches avec le mot "OUI", and I had the chance to say a brief "Bonjour" to Christian Allard, our first French-born MSP. 

Munguin holds top level talks with
Stewart Hosie and Shona Robison
respectively SNP Finance Spokesman
 and Minister of Sport 

It took a long time to get  everyone to Calton Hill. We sat three quarters of the way up where we could see the screens and hear the contributions and people kept on coming and coming and coming. The sound system was excellent and the speeches were inspiring, funny and kinda homely. Margo was brilliant. Elaine C Smith was awesome. The music was bang on. Just enough, not too much.

I'd never heard Dennis Canavan speak before, but he was passionate and I found what he said chimed with the way I felt. A kind of modernised Old Labour.  

If there was a downside for me, it was that despite the Munguin T-shirts and Munguin looking around all the time, we didn't meet any of you lot. And that was a disappointment!

Brilliant banner on the North Bridge,
right outside RBS

As the photos show, Munguin himself, was rather busily occupied having top level meetings with government ministers from Holyrood, opposition spokesmen from Westminster and the Rev Stuart Campbell, who gave him a badge, of which he is more than a little proud, but I'd really hoped to have a blether. (Talking of that word, did anything ever come of "Blether Together"?) 

Thanks to Shona, Stewart and Humza for good naturedly humouring our proprietor. He's having the photographs framed expensively for the boardroom!

So sorry I missed you guys, but there's always next year.

I don't know where they will hold it though. Anyone up for the top of Arthur's Seat?

* Police have now confirmed that the number was around 30,000.

And the best response from the No Campaign, in the form of the Scotsman,  was to publish article on an 8 month old report, saying that if we vote for independence, the rest of the UK will try to redraw maritime borders and it could take up to ten years to sort it out. It seems that they want our oil. It suggests to me that that has been central to London's argument all along.

SNAPS ON SUNDAY (ON SUNDAY THIS WEEK!)

You bet he was radical

The No Campaign criticised the Yes Campaign's tartan for its colour. grey they said was the colour of the future of an independent Scotland. How sad to have so little faith in your own people.

Or you could always believe what Ruth Davidson says; that is not what she used to say, but what she is saying now

A dismal group...who's the big tall one at the end (or is he standing on a box)? The only other alternative is that he is so full of hot air that he's floating away

Didn't Sarwar say that there weren't any Labour members in Labour Voters for independence. What about this fellow then?

Exactly. We'll be able to feed the kids that go to bed with empty stomachs and help old folk keep the fire on in the winter.

As usual, guess who gets the bum deal?

Et puis, pour les francophones:

Palais de Elysée is where the French President lives: Théâtre de Guignol is a clown theatre. So they  either have pretty thick town planning staff in Paris, or ones with a cheeky sense of humour.  This sign was put up when the odious Sarkozy was president!

CLICK ON PICS FOR A BIGGER IMAGE

AND NOT A WORD ABOUT WEE DUGS OR SAUSAGE ROLLS

Eat your heart out, Ryan