DON'T GO, OH PLEASE DON'T GO...

So today the posh Eton Tory makes a speech about Scotland, from the comfort of London. Plus ca change.

According to the Times, Reuters and the BBC he will be—

*    Talking about how British we all felt during the Olympics adn Jubilee. (You might have felt that Dave; I can honestly say I never heard anything, not once, from ordinary members of the public about it.  True, some Ukokers talked about togetherness and the Jubilee, possibly forgetting, possibly ignorant of the fact, that Liz is Queen of Scots as well as of Australia and New Zealand, not just the Queen of England, but ordinary people were actually moved a bit by any of it.)

*    Talking about how his grandfather once lived for a while outside Aberdeen, so that makes him nearly Scottish...almost, sort of.  I once lived just outside Grenoble. It didn't make me French.

*    Talking about how his father in law owns a shooting estate in Scotland where he, Dave, comes to indulge himself in aristocratic blood sports! Well, of course we are well impressed with that. That's what we expect of our betters.

*    Talking about how Britain has influence in the EU... (Hmmmm....What was it Francois Hollande said to you the other day, Dave, when you wanted the EU run your way? “Aller! Faire chier”, wasn't it? You do know that that doesn't mean “Fair! Cheers!”, Dave, don't you?)

*   Talking about how important Britain is in the UN, Nato, G Whiz 8, etc. (Did you check with one of President Obama's entourage that it was OK to say that Dave?)

But Cameron is, even according to the BBC, rattled by the improved polling for the Yes Campaign. He is worried that whilst No is coming across as utterly negative, the Yes side's imagine is positive and inspirational. 

They are all clearly concerned that Alistair Darling has none of the talents necessary to make the UK sound exciting, or Scotland's future in it one to which people could aspire. 

And it's true, whatever you think of Alistair and his talents, he is hardly an inspirational figure. He is a poor speaker, is terrible at interviews and all round is a bit of a dry old stick. All you remember from his performances is the number of times he has said "you know" adn how much he hates Gordon Brown.

So perhaps not unsurprisingly Cameron finds it almost impossible to find someone from Westminster with a wide appeal in Scotland.  But when, this morning, the Today programme asked Downing Street for someone to interview about the speech, amazingly they were directed to Tessa Jowell!!

Tess is a Labour backbench MP who appears to have got herself knighted for being the opposition spokesman on the Olympics, and who justified her involvement by explaining that, although she was from the opposition and a Londoner, she had lived (just like Dave's grandfather) near Aberdeen so that meant she could speak for the government.

It seems remarkable that the Conservative government in coalition with Liberals had no one else they could put forward. As it turned out they would have been as well putting the useless Fluffy Muddle or Teddy Carbuncle up for interview because, oh dear, what a lamentable performance. But I suppose from their point of view it was advantageous that it was a Labour politician who sounded stupid, and not one of theirs.

Downing Street appears to think that Tessa
has appeal in Scotland

If she said ‘the spirit of Britishness’ once, she said it 10 times in the utterly unconvincing short interview. Even the BBC man Justin Webb seemed somewhat underwhelmed by her performance (especially when she meant to say that it was for ‘Scottish’ people to decide, but actually said ‘British' people!).

But even when they are love bombing us, they can't help but come back to what REALLY matters to them: Britain’s Greatness in the world; its influence and its clout.

 

Dear old Doris, what was it you said
about a pound spent in Croydon? Oh yes!

In typical Tory fashion they seem to think that this fabled global importance is of primary concern to the equally fabled “hard working family" that they talk of, (who is to be found up and down the country), which is, in reality, struggling to pay the electricity bill, gas bill, afford a new school blazer, buy food, get new tyres for the car, and pay off Christmas. Even pensioners who remember a time when Britannia did rule the waves, would, I suspect, prefer to have a little less influence in the world and a little more heat in their living rooms.

In any case, there are 62 million Brits; when we go they'll lose 5 million. Why would that make a difference? According to English we are a load of subsidy junkies, with our free education, free medicine, free care for the elderly and endless claims on social security all paid for with their hard earned English taxes. They'd surely be rich without us? 

Unless, of course, they've been fibbing and they reckon that they would lose influence in the world because they would have no where safe to park their WMDs; and, worse still,  no income from our oil, whisky, industry, tourism, water, etc, etc.

We do wonder though (for a matter which is only for Scots to decide) why is Dave doing the “phone a friend” thing? If it’s not for English or Welsh (or Russians) to interfere; why all this telephonic interference? (It couldn't be that Dave has just got himself shares in Vodafone?) I feel I should now warn my English mates that if anyone phone's me and begs me to stay for the good of Britain, I will tell them to, erm, go away, and they may not hear from me for a while.

Well, maybe not for everyone...

  

If the prime minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland wants to convince Scots to vote to remain a part of his incredibly important and influential but utterly broke country, why doesn't he come to Scotland and explain face to face what wondrous benefits, apart from "clout" will accrue to us from this union? He must have something to offer rather than cuts, more cuts and yet more cuts and then permanent austerity. 

Why doesn't he come and debate with the elected leader of our government.  

Because he's scared stiff Nicola or Alex would roast him,
or because he's far too important to debate with a mere first minister
 who didn't go to public school

OK, Scots by and large don't like Cameron (I'm not sure the English do), but let’s be honest, if he wants to be the Prime Minister of Scotland, he really can't do it from the safety of his bunker in London or from behind a gold lectern in front of a golden throne in the Guildhall. 

He really has to have the bottle to show up here and debate with the First Minister of Scotland in the country he wants to keep in his empire.