Monday, 20 July 2015


Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said... "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring. 

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mummy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mummy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool?

 Is this 555-3097?" 

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need on his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could find and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather sexy babe herself he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun.

Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked if he danced much. He said, "I never danced once. Pete, Bill and I went into the den and played poker all night. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"


  1. Capturing the moment, in seventeen syllables; is very diffic.

    John Cooper Clark

  2. Though the joke of the the day, goes to our imperial broadcasters, the Scots language is dying out; 'cos we don't roll our R's any more....mah arrrrrrrrrse.

    1. Their ignorance is stunning.

      I see someone in the Westminster parliament was complaining that he couldn't understand the SNP members.

      OK they will need to put in simultaneous translations into Eton.

      Jeezo, where do they get them?

    2. They huv'nae a hope'n hell, o' unstaunin me thun.
      I just see it as another attack on Scotland, by the "running feart" establishment..,
      Gerrit richt roond thum!

  3. Tony Blair has just bought his son a £3.6 million house - now that's a fecking joke! Who said crime doesn't pay? Money talks louder than the weeping of those whose suffering he caused.

    1. Sadly, it has always been thus...
      We shall win in the end, there are more prolls than masters.

    2. Crime only doesn't pay if you're at the bottom.

      When your criminal activities are being protected by the US president then it's altogether different. Rather like if they are being looked after by the secret services and the royal protection squad, it pays big time.

      Ask Leon Brittan and the Fat Liberal Democrat blokey.

      They know all about it.

      Blair considers himself to be a Christian, and a catholic.

      I wonder what he expects in the next life, given that he believes there is such a thing.

      I'd reckon an eternity of hearing Baghdad children scream.

      Still he got his congressional medal, so that's alright and I suspect he calls himself a Christian because there's money to be made out of it.

    3. " an eternity of hearing Baghdad children scream."

      F***, Tris; that's an over powering phrase. I hope the B'stard suffers it, I truly do.

    4. I mean it, Jim.

      I loathe him for his war crimes, the mess he left behind him (all to curry favour with DubYa), and the danger that he has put all of us in because of his personal ambition.

      I can't help but think of the totally innocent people in their houses in Baghdad, home at the end of a day's work or school, with their dreams and plans...and being blown to kingdom come so that that piece of **** could get a congressional medal and a press conference at the White House, and all the time knowing full well that the nearest WMD was in TelAviv.

      Of course as I don't believe that there is anything after death, I can't believe that he will suffer for eternity, so it's all a bit empty for me.

      On the other hand he's not dead yet, so there's time enough in this life.

      The Hague!

    5. I don't believe in the here after but, I'd be after him and his ilk; metere quod seminas, given the power and opportunity.

    6. Yes. That seems to be a reasonable maxim, Jim..

  4. Oh boy have I enjoyed those and I so agree with the last one, all those folk running about jogging, no idea that the guy who thought it up had a heart attack and died age 47. Mother in Law never ran anywhere in her life and though she ended up with dementia lived very nearly to her 90th year. We word to John, you have let reality in again John. Tony Blair will get his reward n the end, he will find out when he dies he was wrong, so wrong.

    1. The thing about Blair is that he may well believe in the after life, and as he gets older the results of his wickedness may well start to prey on his mind... He was welcomed with open arms by the last Pope, but I doubt he'd be much welcomed in the Vatican under this one.

      I recall that Archbishop Tutu refused to be in the same room as him.

  5. I was once pulled over by a really young policeman, who looked about fourteen to my late thirties eyes.

    "Can I see your license?

    Huvnae goat one, says I.

    "Is this your bike?"

    Nah. It's...a mate's.

    "Have you been drinking?"

    Oh aye, aw day, I've just been to ma dealer fir some coke tae pep me up a wee bit. I shoogled a wee bag of powder in his face.

    He immediately arrested me and quickly a huge sergeant growled at me.

    "You have no license?"

    I handed over my license and insurance.

    "Is this your bike?"

    I handed over the logbook.

    "You're drunk?"

    Breathalyse me. Negative.


    Sugar for ma tea at work.

    "So constable Perkins stopped you and arrested you for nothing then?"

    Aye. And ah bet he said ah wis speedin' an aw the lying wee cunt.

  6. Here's a few jokes:

    Osbourne, Hague, Harman, Lib Dems, Green Party Defence Policies, The EU, 95% of all politicians, First Bus July timetables, 40% cuts announced by Osbourne, those idiots who think all public sector workers get paid massive salaries and do bugger all, anyone who uses Twitter anonymously, the Tory twat who claimed 9 pence for travel expenses and then sought to justify it, and finally those Labour party MPs who refused to vote against the Government last night. Thank goodness some did.

    I was going to include IDS but there is nothing remotely funny, even satirically, about that sponging money grabbing inconsiderate individual.

    And never listen to anyone who uses four syllables when one will do.

    Couple of points from above:

    Borrowing from Terry Pratchett, never trust anyone who says "house" in a way that rhymes with "mice".

    Rowan Atkinson did a Satan sketch years ago, where he met the new arrivals. He welcomed the Christians by saying "I'm sorry, the Jews were right." Perhaps Blair will be met with a similar situation in the afterlife, although I wouldn't trust him to stay buried. Maybe Satan won't have him either.

    1. LOL.

      The walking dead?

    2. Think you just insulted zombies! At least they have a purpose.

    3. My apologies to them all. Some of Munguin's best friends are Zombies!!