Saturday, 15 March 2014


After a barrage of threatening letters accusing her of watching TV without a licence, even after she'd rung them to confirm there was no TV in the property, a country-girl snapped and wrote this hilarious response. They promised not to send her any more letters for 2 years.

Dear TV Licensing Company,

Further to our telephone conversation, in which I stated several times that I do not own a f*****g telly, here is further confirmation of my non-TV-owning status, as clearly a telephone call in which I say “Here is my address. I don’t own a TV,” and “I don’t watch TV at my house,” and “I don’t watch TV on any devices, like an Ipad or mobile telephone,” isn’t sufficient. 

Short of asking me the question again, this time with my thumbs tied to my toes, with a view to seeing if I float in water like a medieval witch, I fail to see how sending me further sinister letters will encourage me to pay a licence fee, for a TV set that I do not own.


I do not watch TV on any device that I personally own (although I might have picked up Downton Abbey once on my crystal ball, but that was an accident). This means that you don’t have the right to harass me, send me nasty letters or threaten to have people turn up on my doorstep, with the implication that they can not only hang around my property in vans, watching for when I enter the property for my illicit TV-watching sessions, but can legally barge into my house to search for this none-existent piece of equipment. As a lone female living in the countryside, I resent the f*** out of this. How dare you threaten me with being followed and watched. You don’t have the right to enter my property, and you don’t have the right to drive up the private road where I live to hang around listening for a TV signal, so stop sending me letters implying that you do.

I am not answering any more letters about the TV that I do not own. I am not calling you again, and I am not answering the door to anybody from your company. You do not have my permission to call me or visit me regarding the illegal, BBC2-watching orgies that do not take place on my property. If you send anybody round to enquire about the TV set that I do not own, I will consider this harassment, and set the dogs on them. They’ll probably get licked to death and forced to throw a slobbery ball a hundred times, but it’s the principle of the thing.
And finally, the latest letter that arrived was addressed to ‘Mr. Occupier’ as I stated I did not want to give you my name, despite your telephone operator’s insistence that I must. I’d like to clarify that not only do I not have a TV, but neither do I have a penis. If you’re going to pull the ‘We know where you live and we’re coming to get you!’ nonsense, you could at least issue your threats to the correct gender. ‘Mr. Occupier,’ – was your letter written by Manuel from Fawlty towers? Honestly, you’re ridiculous.

This letter is going to circulate on the Internet, probably via Facebook. There is a serious point to this letter (besides STOP HARASSING INNOCENT PEOPLE WITH NASTY LETTERS). Your company uses threats, lies and harassment techniques. They don’t bother me particularly, but they are very unpleasant and sinister, and I can’t believe they are legal. 

There are plenty of people that do not own a TV, and some of them are vulnerable, because they’re old, or because they have mental health issues, or because they are physically frail or live alone. How dare you harass people with made-up threats, and then tell them that you don’t believe them.

Feel free to share this.

Yours grumpily

Layla Randle-Conde


  1. There should be a mass UK wide 'can pay wont pay for establishment propaganda' revolt.

    1. The government appears to need vast amounts of cash. It seems that either they will have to put up taxes by a huge amount or slash public services for 20 years or more, till, in fact, we have none. This is to pay for the elderly, who had the bad manners to grow old without warning.

      And, although these elderly people have been paying for their pensions all their lives, the government forgot that they would have to provide pensions for them, and spent all their money on nuclear weapons and expenses and the M25, and the Olympics and the royals and a whole pile of other worthless trash...

      So maybe they could sell off the BBC. Heaven knows they are selling everything else.

      It won;t make any difference to me, because I don;t watch them... but I would be £145 a year better off.

      Except of course Osborne is going to have to increase the taxes by such a huge amount that that £145 will disappear in a flash.

      And Brown tells Scotland that WE will have to put up taxes or cut services... IS HE MAD???????

      Don't answer that... it's obvious he is.

  2. "and set the dogs on them. They’ll probably get licked to death and forced to throw a slobbery ball a hundred times, but it’s the principle of the thing."

    Best bit of a brilliant letter. I do watch BBC, not their news or referendum programmes though, but I'll be more than happy when I'm watching the future SBC.

    1. LOL Yeah... We had a dog like that. Fearsome bark... not bite!

      I'm not a tv person Panda. Never have been.

      I'd certainly miss the likes of David Attenborough, but I'm straining to think of anything else that would bother me if I never saw/heard it again.

      I can't understand (or maybe I can) the reluctance of the government to sell off all the bits of the BBC that are commercially viable. After all isn't that what the Tories and Labour are all about now?

      They have privatised everything else.

      It couldn't be that they like to appoint people like Chris Paten to roles like whatever it is so that they retain some control over new,could it?

  3. I stopped paying the tax a couple of years ago. No way was I paying for their propaganda.
    I phoned them up and told them to stop sending me threatening letters, and they said someone would visit to see if I needed a license. I said that they could fuck off as well. Haven't heard a thing from them for over 18 months.

    1. I know someone else who has just done that.

      For ages I did't have a tv. The aerial was blown askew in a gale; it stopped getting a picture, and so I dumped it.

      They used to contact me on a regular basis to demand why I didn't have a licence. I sent back letter after letter, getting ever more ratty, saying that I didn't have a tv set.

      When they didn't catch on, I wrote in French and Latin.

      In the end I wrote a letter full of expletives ... and that did it.

      I got a letter of apology.

      When I was sick I got a tv and had a man on the roof to sort the signal, and I bought a licence although I practically never watch the thing unless someone else is here and they want to see the news. The licence is paid by DD, and still they send me letters saying that I haven't got one and that they are watching my house.

      I shudder to think who they employ at this office.

      Mice maybe?

      It seems though that, at least for a while, expletives work!

  4. Pretty much what i told them except that I think I was less polite about the quality of BBC programs which I described in unflattering terms ( I made unfavourable comparisons to grass growing and paint drying). I have not heard from them since.

    1. You wonder, though, whether it is what you say in these letters, or the fact that they are incredibly inefficient and probably lost them, which means you don't get letters.

  5. Can you access S4C? Far more balanced news and politics coverage and you should be able to get subtitles.
    Voice from Wales

    1. I don't think so.

      But to be honest, I've never tried. I just have Freeview and some of the channels on that are unobtainable where I am.

      I wouldn't mind seeing a Welsh point of view. I'll have a look at it on line

  6. Tris

    I have thought for years it should be sold off because it stopped being a public service broadcaster a long time ago. You can also add in the millions they pay for zero talent, the London bias, how badly Scotland is served with terrible quality, the list goes on. It is simply not worth it and I for one would not miss it. The only thing that would annoy me more would be Tories making millions buying it like they did the mail. I hate Britain.


  7. Here Bruce... cheer yourself up with this...

  8. BBC presenter Andrew Marr accused of breaking guidelines on referendum coverage

    Par for the course for propaganda BBC only fit to broadcast in North Korea with their London centric arrogant third rate presenters.

  9. Nice stuff dear. Keep it up with new post. Lizenzen & Was sind Lizenzen