As I have grown older I've learned that pleasing
everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of
cake.
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend
of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Lance Armstrong… I think it is just terrible and
disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what
he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. Hell,
when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.
Drive By… Someone broke into my house last
week. They didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now they drive
by and change the channels.
A new Mercedes owner
was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze
was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her
up.
As the needle jumped
up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself
and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the
lights still behind him.
"What in the
world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him,
took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a
tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so
if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you
can go!"
"Last week my
wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were
trying to give her back!"
Who does this remind you of?
Thanks for that, we all need a bit of humour and Jackie Baillie tries her best as well, bless her. Now that last one, why did I think of Elmer Fudd when I know that isn't right? Then I thought of Cumnock's own Baron, hmm.......
ReplyDeleteWell, I was a bit busy for a written post, and I had a few of these jokes in store, then I saw the last one and I thought of the Bloody Red Baron of Cummnock, till someone told me it was Mr Magoo.
DeleteLord Mac Goo!
I hope you're not suggesting that the Baron is a sbort sighted individual!
DeleteI can just hear him now - "Vote SNP get Tories, Tartan Tories, Vote SNP get Tories, Tartan Tories, Vote SNP get Tories......."
I was taken by my Dad to a meeting with Foulkes in 1990 and he was just the same then. Nice to see the auld soak never changes.
I know better than criticise those of a superior social class. And as a Baron, albeit the lowest of the aristocracy, he is simply miles above me in status.
DeleteI suspect that his nose is a bit redder and his belly a bit wider than he was 25 years ago, but he'll be blethering the same crap.
I say, he didn't grab hold of you and insist on dancing until you both fell in the gutter, did he?
No he didn't thank goodness! Although the old man might not have objected as he idolised him (someone had to I suppose!)
DeleteI think the discussion that day was about the Poll Tax and old George managed to blame it all on the SNP because of course thay had let Thatcher in. He has always had an unhealthy obsession with them. I wonder if he still sends my Dad a Christmas card? They used to have pride of place in our house. (It's a wonder I didn't grow up psychologically scarred!)
Well that's something of a relief.
DeleteAye, the man has spent his whole life hating the SNP. I can only imagine how awful it was for him when they formed the government. I remember being at FMQs when the old duffer was still in parliament. Alex could show him respect, by using his full title, and yet make it sound so mocking. Particularly when he asked such stupid questions.
My my, Christmas cards from an aristo. How posh are you?
Brilliant Tris.
ReplyDeleteNow then I wonder what the comedy club, oops sorry, the Labour Branch office are up to today folks! LOL
Thank you Arbroath.
DeleteI think they are spending the APD tax money AGAIN today, by promising to double the money that poor people in high rent accommodation can afford to save for a house. Zero according to them. Probably correct there.
Just as well it's zero, because the money for APD doesn't exist and didn't exist before they promised to spend it on education.
Jackie Baillie again... Whit cud ye say?
You'd think after being roundly ridiculed about this when they first dreamed it up, they's have shut the hell up about it.
Alastair Campbell accusing the SNP of arrogance and complacency - now how's that for a joke?
ReplyDeleteBetter than any we can manage here.
DeleteYou really would think that someone who got off electoral fraud on a technicality, but was called a liar by two High Court judges, would shout the hell up.
He's an embarrassment to his party, not to mention Scotland.
I bet Tavish wishes he'd go into a hole and stay there till the election is over. It seems to me Carmichael's only useful purpose is to make Scott's life miserable.
Oooops, I'm havering. I should read things properly. Sorry John.
DeleteI get them mixed up.
Ah dear Alistair Campbell. When it comes to arrogance and complacency he's a past master, so I expect the SNP should listen to him!
"I was a bit busy for a written post,"
ReplyDelete"Ah dear Alistair Campbell."
you might want to check your e-mail Tris. One birds and one stone.
Thanks for these,they were funny and we could all do with cheering up.
two birds, PP ya numptie!!
DeleteAwwwwww, bless you PP.
DeleteWhile I was off hunting for really prickly stuff to put cats off sh****ng in my garden, you come up with the business.
You're a star and the Czech's in the post.
:)
There was a notice put up in our workshop once.
ReplyDelete"The floggings will continue until morale improves"
Followed a couple of weeks later by.
Because of the huge increase in morale, management has decided that the floggings will cease a week on Tuesday"
Well, I thought they were funny.
Brilliant. A management with a sense of humour... or, wait a minute... did they actually flog you?
DeleteI think they would have if they thought they could get away with it.
DeleteHowever I think it was some of the older tradesmen taking the piss out of them.
I've worked in places like that, most notably the Job Centre!
DeleteWhat I find most amazing about Foulkes is not Foulkes himself.it's his liver.How does it manage to survive such an onslaught? Most 74 year olds with the same consumption as the old dipso are no longer with us.Quite an amazing man.
ReplyDeleteAye, Hoots, they could probably write a medical journal about his liver. I wonder if it's true that aristocrats are just made differently from us...blue blood and different livers. I mean, look at the Queen Mother. That one could even drink ffoulks under the table.
DeleteI suppose there had to be something outstanding about him!!
Ayrshire men, such as myself, have cast iron livers. Lord Foulkes ain't from Ayrshire though, so it's a mystery.
DeleteMust be the blue blood then Jim. His, not yours!
DeleteI suspect he can probably trace his liver back to William the Conqueror.
DeleteLe foie du Seigneur Foulkes