Thursday 28 May 2015

The Dear Peregrin Letters...

You may remember that some time ago Munguin signed up, under a nom de guerre (Peregrin), for information about what was going on with the Tories, on a "know thine enemy" basis.

Here's the latest epistle from Munguin's pen pal, the wildly delusional, David Cameron, who clearly now sees himself as some latter day working man's hero. How different everything must look from the window of Downing Street or a government chauffeur-driven limo, for a man born to Eton, Oxford and best of everything.

Always good for a laugh, Dave takes us on a fantasy journey here, through his policies to return Britain to Dickensian times, when the sun never set on the rich and never rose for the poor.


Dear Peregrin,

When we came to office in 2010, Britain was on the brink. Our task was urgent: to rescue our economy from the mire. With that economy now going in the right direction, we are once again on the brink - but this time, on the brink of something special. We have a golden opportunity to renew the idea that working people are backed in this country; to renew the promise to those least fortunate that they will have the opportunity for a brighter future; and to renew the ties that bind every part of our United Kingdom. We now have the mandate to deliver that renewal. And it starts with today's Queen's Speech: a clear programme for working people, social justice, and bringing our country together - put simply, a One Nation Queen's Speech from a One Nation Government.

The first task of a One Nation Government is to help all working people have security. 

And nothing is more crucial to that than a job. A new Bill will help to create two million more jobs this Parliament. That means there should be a job for everyone who wants one - in other words, full employment. To help people get those jobs, we'll train them up; three million more will start apprenticeships over the next five years. We will also reward work by letting people keep even more of the money they earn - for the first time putting it into law that the Minimum Wage is and always will be tax free. That will be alongside a five-year tax lock which means there will be no income tax, VAT or National Insurance rate rises in this Parliament.

The second big focus of this Queen's Speech is championing social justice. 

That starts with education: a decent schooling for every child, no matter where they're from. Our school reforms in the last Parliament were bold; one million more children are now learning in good or outstanding schools. In this Parliament they will be bolder still: taking over and turning into Academies not just failing schools but coasting ones too, as part of our new Education and Adoption Bill; opening not just a few more Free Schools, but 500 more. Of course, there is nothing that embodies the spirit of One Nation and the cause of social justice more than our NHS, which is there for everyone, whoever they are, regardless of their ability to pay. So we will continue increasing spending on our health service, by at least £8 billion a year by 2020, and make it a truly 7-day NHS.

We will also continue our welfare reforms that help people into jobs, reducing the benefit cap further, to £23,000. Our reforms will incentivise work - so people are always better off after a day at the office or factory than they would have been sitting at home. That's true social justice - not handing people benefit cheque after benefit cheque with no end in sight, but turning workless households into working households; the misery of unemployment into the purpose and dignity of employment; and the welfare system into a lifeline, not a way of life.

Third, this Queen's Speech will bring every part of our United Kingdom together. 

Our legislation will make sure this recovery reaches everyone, from the oldest industrial towns to the remotest rural villages. Our High Speed 2 Bill will help bring our great northern cities together in a Northern Powerhouse that rivals the biggest cities in the world.

For our different nations and regions to coexist as One Nation, people must have more direct power over the areas in which they live. So our Cities Devolution Bill will allow them to bid for an elected mayor, with far more sway over planning, transport, policing and health. We will have a Scotland Bill, a Wales Bill and a Northern Ireland Bill, and will put into practice our promises on devolution - making Holyrood the most powerful devolved Parliament in the world. Governing with respect means respecting the wishes of the English too. That's why we will address the fundamental unfairness devolution causes in England, by introducing English votes for English laws. And the UK will have more control over its affairs, as we bring forward proposals for a British Bill of Rights to replace the Human Rights Act. We will also legislate to have an EU Referendum before the end of 2017, putting the question to the British people for the first time in 40 years: the European Union - in or out. Underpinning all of this is security. With an Extremism Bill, an Investigatory Powers Bill and a Policing and Criminal Justice Bill, we will keep our people safe.

That's our legislative programme. It's challenging but doable; optimistic but realistic. It's the bold first step of a One Nation Government - a Government for working people.

 And this is the Britain we're setting out to create: a Britain where you can get a decent job, have a good education, buy a home of your own, have dignity when you retire, and feel safe and secure throughout your life. In the last Parliament we laid the foundations for that; in this Parliament we will use them to build something special. We've now got the majority we need. With this Queen's Speech we're going to get on and do it - for every single person in this great nation.

Thank you,

David Cameron


  1. I think most of this falls into Malcolm Bruce territory,especially his claims about working people.
    The only way he can freeze taxes and introduce deficit reduction is by cutting public spending.
    The less tax take,the more cuts he needs to introduce and he is going to be under increasing pressure from Washington to increase "defence" spending.
    Economics for the under 5s.

    1. Good point. It's a fairy tale. I suspect most under-fives could spot the flaws.

  2. First may I compliment Munguin on his tolerance in having to apply and then read this, as described by me on Google, "the David Cameron Fairy Tale". I am sure, I wasn't dreaming I heard on Radio4 this morning that you will not pay tax if you are on 30 hours Minimum Wage so I would say should you have the misfortune to work 40 hours you will be, so that is his first lie. As I no linger watch the BBC Television News, fail to catch Sky what exactly are his proposals for Scotland. Nothing short of getting shot of them will suit me?

    1. Munguin thanks you, Helena. He's having a lie down now, having laughed himself into a state of exhaustion at the farce that appears to be the queen's speech.

      He says the watered down Smith Commission is the deal for Scotland.

      All the stuff that they promised that was impossible... you know, like making the Scottish Parliament immovable obviously has had to go.

      I suspect that we will be allowed to raise income tax, although he has said that you can't do that for 5 years and if we stop building roads or running hospitals, we can try to bail out people left in penury by IDS and his evil policies... and we can change road signs within the limits allowed by the international conventions.

      Meanwhile on Jersey, Guernsey and the isle of Man...

  3. I started to read but had to stop - which makes me feel bad given the risks to Peregrin's sanity these missives pose.

    I am a weak person, I can only apologise.

    It goes without saying (although I'll say it anyway) that the contents are the fevered imaginings of a blinkered Tory gas bag. It impossible to say more without inventing an entire new vocabulary made solely of derogatory expletives.


    1. LOl. It is hard going, but Munguin pays me to read this rubbish, so I do it.

      He says that if you didn't read it he will have to withhold your customary payment of €0.00 this month.

      I imagine that you'd be pretty handy at inventing new expletives of the derogatory type... Might be interesting.

      Hope you're well...

  4. That bottom link should have a health warning a duty of care to readers an all taht.

    1. Anything with Dave Cameron and the Tories in it should carry a health warning.

      They see off more people a month than the average war.

  5. Sorry Tris but, I couldn't read all of that idiots letter; his smug voice was playing in my head and I couldn't take it any more.

    1. You and Pa Broon too!

      It's OK. I excuse you from the duty of reading it. It is a lot to ask of people.

      Try to think of something else before you go to bed.

  6. "Try to think of something else before you go to bed"
    I did, I thought of a foot and mouth outbreak, cheered me up no end!

    1. Infinitely cheerier!!!!