Friday, 1 May 2015

Just for a laugh...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" 

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." 

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-colour stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.

To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-colour story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mum! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was broken hearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"He he," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father." 
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.


  1. Tris you may like this one.

    Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

    "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

    "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
    And they did.

    "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
    And they did.

    "Now we eat everybody."
    And they did.

    When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

    His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"

    1. Ha ha ha ha ha...

      Hi Dubs... How you doing?

  2. tris

    Have a laff at this or no


    In East Renfrewshire, Jim Murphy has narrowed the gap from nine points to three since my previous poll earlier this month. This seems largely down to Conservative voters – the Tory share is down five points, and Labour’s up five, since my last survey, and remaining Conservatives are less likely to rule out moving to Labour than in most seats. Nearly a quarter of those who voted Conservative in the constituency in 2010 now say they plan to vote for Jim Murphy.

    Ashcroft’s latest polls

    1. Now how will that play in the Labour Heartlands, the Labour ahem leader being elected by the Tories, oh silly me he is a Tory.

    2. Aye Niko, and today the Tory bloke and Jim were sharing a table for their campaigning. I'll put up pics tomorrow.

      He may well hold on to his seat, but he will owe the Tories big time...

      Well, I think we all agreed he was the wrong choice, and I think they will get rid of him after this.

      If I were Johann Lamont I'd be calling for his resignation, after his criticism of her leadership. At least she was nowhere like where he is in the polls.

    3. Like I said to Niko, I can see him keeping his seat thanks to Tory votes, and losing the confidence of the few Labour voters who still like him. Tory Jim.

  3. Hiya,
    The George & Susan story is based on a song called Shame And Scandal. I can't remember if it's by The Upsetters or Baba Brooks; "Your daddy ain't your daddy but your daddy don't know".

    1. Oh thanks Anon. I didn't know anything about that.

      But I found it on Youtube...


  4. On the Arsely -Arlesey thing. I sent it to my sister.

    This is her response.
    What’s even worse is that he KNEW it was spelled wrongly – said there wasn’t time to reprint the leaflet – so sent it out !!!

    I don't have TV don't listen to the radio much, so I hadn't heard that. U-kippers!

    Makes me think of the occasion when an American reading the breakfast menu asked "Kippers? Is that some kind of breakfast cereal?Well this lot certainly go snap crackle and pop!

    1. Geeee. I didn't know that either.

      Can;t help it... gotta say it... I think that man is a total arse.

      LOL Snap Crackle and Pop!

  5. Bit late but I enjoyed the jokes as usual, I expect the Ukipper is hoping that all the voters are erses.

    1. Thanks Helena. I know you've been busy!!

      He's a cookie that kipper, isn't he!!!