Monday 25 November 2013

DEAR, DEAR, DEAR long as they were already there to begin with.

Dear Rt Hon Mr Alexander

How proud did it make you to open a food bank for the starving in your constituency and to pretend to be helping to pack a parcel to feed your hungry constituents? 

Yours sincerely

Dear Rt Hon Mr Carmichael,

Could you please point out to me where in Public International Law it says that you cannot share a fully convertible currency?

Does this stop Guernsey, Jersey, IoM, Gibraltar, and probably the Falkland Islands/Malvinas from having this currency and will they now, under Public International Law have to join another currency or start their own?

Best regards


Dear Ms Davidson,

I understand you are a big Dr Who fan. In the hopefully likely event of Scotland becoming independent in 2016, will you fight tooth and nail for Daleks to be allowed in Scotland, or will you emigrate to England where you will be able to watch them as much as you like.

Kind regards

Dearest Rt Hon Darling

Would you like to explain these actions to the Scottish taxpayer, and perhaps outline why on earth we would believe anything you say now regarding financial arrangements?


Dear Mr Hosie,

Thank heavens someone in Westminster is talking sense about the sterling debacle.

I particularly liked the comment from you today in the Herald.

"The UK, or sterling zone, balance of trade deficit right now is £35bn a year; Scottish oil and gas exports are £30 billion. That would effectively double the sterling zone trade imbalance and shred the currency. That would be really silly." 

You also pointed out that imposing barriers to trade with Scotland would "destroy at least tens of thousands of English jobs and that's just bonkers."

We are grateful for some sanity being brought to the debate. Of course it must help that you have a handle on your brief!

I was wondering if you think that people like Osborne and Balls, Carmichael and Darling are aware of the consequences of their pettiness?


Dear Mr Carwyn Jones,

I was amazed to read that you would veto the UK and Scotland sharing the same currency. 

I hadn't the vaguest notion that you had that power. Nor, I think, did anyone else.

Perhaps you would be kind enough to indicate if there are other things that you would veto regarding Scotland's future, what with you being a Welsh first minister. It's best to know these things in advance, wouldn't you agree? 

gyda fy nymuniadau gorau

Dear Rt Hon Grieve,

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Why did you set out to stir up racial tension by accusing Pakistanis of being corrupt? Is your government not in enough trouble already without you adding to it? 

Was this not a rather stupid thing for a) a legal expert [we've assumed that you are a legal expert, you know, what with the job you do, and all] and b) a politician? I mean you must presumably have some Pakistanis in your constituency. Do you now feel you can serve them as their MP.

I can tell you that you nearly caused a friend of mine to crash his car when he heard you on the radio. I mean, it takes great comedy skills for a member of the House of Commons to talk about other people being corrupt. Didn't one of your own papers, the Telegraph, recently discover that more than 50% of your fellow members had fiddled their expenses, some to an incredible extent? 

Add the House of Lords, police who blame their own incompetence on drunken youths, knock over sick men at demonstrations, never mind that they are making their way home for work (a striver, I'm sure you'd agree), kill Brazilians on the metro and lie through their teeth in court about it, and sell stories to the press in return for health spa holidays and cash incentives, a press which hacks people's phones, some dodgy invitations to royal weddings from people who had given use of their private jets to Prince Charles and Mrs Parker Bowles, and finally a state broadcaster which you sometimes wonder ever had time to make programmes given what was going on in its premises, and it's all looking a bit like a  good old fashioned Whitehall farce?

Silly man.

One more question, if I may. Do you really think you're up to this job, or wouldn't you be better suited to prosecuting petty thieves?

With my best wishes for the consequences of your outrageous slur.


Dear Ms Lamont,
If Private Eye thought that any of their readers had ever
 heard of you, you might have made their lookalike feature.
As it is you will have to make do with Munguin's.
Some of our readers will probably be aware of you
Tris x



  1. will Mr Alexander attend the opening of another food bank this time in Aviemore

    1. Nah... he's had one photo op already and it sank like a stone. Another one of his misjudged moves. Like taxing the oil exploration!

      Arise Lord Danny of Foodbank, for services to the Conservatives!

  2. I wonder if Carmichael is proud of a foodbank opening in his constituency, the Orkneys.

    1. Nah, I think that he decided (on seeing Mr Alexander's faux pas of happily opening soup kitchens for the poor he had created) to turn down that photo opportunity.


  3. "gyda fy nymuniadau gorau"

    some of us have enough problems with English and does google translate fo Welsh? White paper day, MSM will be spinning like tops.

    1. Sorry PP... I just thought Carwyn would appreciate a bit of the letter in his own language.

      Yes, you guessed it. Google did do the work, although Little Minguin says he is fluent in Welsh and 73 other languages.

      Yes. Munguin is off to the launch in Dundee. Doubtless the furry one will have a few words to say on the subject. I had to switch they lying git Alistair Darling off this morning (radio). He was lying and lying again. And he sounds suck a smooth Edinburgh Tory. He makes Annabel Goldie sound common.

  4. Tris, what happened to Mr Davidson contribution?

    1. Unprintable language Anon. Couldn't get it through Munguin's censorship.

  5. John Swinney's reaction to Iain Gray's Q - 'Where will money for oil fund come from' is priceless! LOL

    1. Iain's incisive questioning leads cabinet secretary to bury his head in his lap... LOL

      The clue, Iain, is in the word "oil".

      He's a belter isn't he... :)

    2. When every question they ask is written on 'The SNP Bad' headed note paper it blurs the mind of sensibility. What the opposition has shown today is that they are all contenders for the speed reading accolade.

      The fun starts now as the gloves are off.

    3. I've listened to them again and again today saying stuff that just isn’t true, and no one questions them.

      Why do they say it is against international law to share a currency, when there are already other countries that share the currency?

      They point out perfectly reasonable points that the BofE would be able to set interest rates etc, and they say that that means we wouldn’t be able to have different taxes, but they have already allowed NI to vary taxes to compete with Ireland and they say that they are intending to do that with Scotland… So how would that not work?

      I have a friend who is a Jerseyman, and he tells me that their economy is entirely different, despite using the pound… and all their taxes are different (lower usually). So why would it not work? Their social security is different (better) and their pensions are different (better).

      Anyway, how could we trust darling on the economy. He didn’t even know where he lived over the last few years of Labour’s government, and then he had to get us to employ an accountant to do his tax return, WHEN HE WAS CHANCELLOR OF THE BLOODY EXCHEQUER!

      And finally in my rant, I wonder why no one says…well, what is life going to be like under the UK…?

      Come on…we showed you, now you show us.

      What will taxes be like? Will there be electricity? How high will the pension age go? Will there be any form of social security left? If not will we then be able to stop paying National Insurance, because it seems we now get practically nothing for it? How many more wars will we get involved in [given that the situation in Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya is so much worse than it was before we interfered]? How many more lives are we going to take? Will rich people ever be made to pay the taxes they owe? How many other nationalities are racist cabinet members going to insult? And are any members of the cabinet, apart from the obvious) white supremacists?

      And that’s just to start off with.

  6. But Daphne Broon's a NICE person.

    1. Ah... But maybe Lamont is nice too.

      No, OK, it does seem a little unlikely. She seems to filled with hate to be nice.

  7. Replies
    1. I was actually going to use that one instead of the one detailing his fiddling, but after re reading them, I think that one was better.

      Good question. The whole economy is falling down round his ears and he's flipping houses and paying an accoutant to make sure he pays as little tax as possible.

      The thing is, as a cabinet minister, why would he need an accountant? He gets his MP wage plus ministerial supplement, taking him to about £150,000 a year. It is taxed at source. He's not allowed to have outside interests ... A bit of a mystery...

  8. The Life and Death of Alex Salmond
    pretendy King of Scotland

    SCENE IV. Another part of the field.

    KING Alex the ist

    An assertion! an assertion! my Scottish kingdom for an assertion !

    The Unionists-

    God and your arms be praised, victorious friends,
    The day is ours, the bloody dog is dead.

    1. Hmmmm... Is that Walter Scott or Rabbie Burns?

      No, It's William Makewar Niko...

      Probably on the curriculum for excellence for 2016.

      PS what is "ist" short for? Pist?

      I like that idea. King Alex the Pist!

      And who's killed the dog? Taz will be phoning the SSPCA!

  9. 'Twas 2013, the 26th of November
    A day that all cybernats will surely remember
    When all the world's press did assemble and enter
    The theatre at the very high-tech Glasgow Science Centre

    The hacks and the reptiles, with very little urging
    Were gathered to listen to Mr Salmond and Ms Sturgeon
    The purpose behind this very strange caper
    Was to listen to the details of Scotland's independence white paper

    There were many whose faces we could see
    Who were very famous because they are on the BBC
    And other distinguished gentlemen of the press
    Like the Guardian, the Telegraph and not forgetting the Express

    They sat in their rows, faces stoney and stark
    While Mr Salmond made his opening remarks
    And after 5 minutes of the opening session
    The floor was thrown open for them all to ask questions

    The enquiries were fierce and mostly polite
    Only Cochers and Toenails and Severin talked shite
    And though the britnat mainstream media the mic they did keep
    From the rest of the world's journalists there was not a peep

    Eventually it all had to end
    The press had their tweets, blogs and copy to send
    As they had to agree the Scottish Government did win it
    They decided that what was important just was not in it.

    With apologies to William Topaz McGonnagall

    1. Goodness...

      Drama from Niko and Poetry from Anon ...

      This site is becoming one of the most cultured in Scotland.

      I'm thinking National Collective had better look out...

      Actually that was brilliant Anon... Loved it.

      Thanks :)