Wednesday 13 July 2016


A must buy tomorrow
So Munguin mentioned that we hadn't done a joke post for a while, and that it might be an idea to do one again.

So here is it.
I imagine that the first thing Liz said was: "Welcome my dear, I'm not elected either so we should get on splendidly." It was either that or: "And what have you come as?"

Seriously, I don't mean to be sexist, but if a male prime minister had gone to see the queen wearing something with big yellow patches on like bicycle paniers, I have the feeling he'd have been thrown out before he got anywhere near the old dear, for fear of frightening her to death. The other thing I noticed about he was that you could see half way down her cleavage. Also not likely, in a man, to get past the palace guards.

Really, a word to the wise, Tess, don't. Just don't. A man wouldn't get away with it, why would you? It's not clever and it's not nice. It's REALLY not nice.
Erm, you're not serious George, are you?
You must've known Munguin was looking for jokes, yeah?
So, the first bit of good news is that Gidiot's out. Hardly surprisingly. He's made a complete mess of the economy, imposing all manenr of hardships on the poor to try to pay for the mess that Gordon Brown, Tony Blair and the bankers made of the economy. And he has succeeded in paying down the debt in as much as "paying down" and "doubling" mean the same thing. Even the madman Brown didn't lose the AAA rating. Still he'll have more time to spend with his coke.
Yep, that's the Foreign Secretary. No honest, it is!
The next bit of good news is Boris. Now I'd kinda hoped for Boris as prime minister becasue although he'd be pretty crap at it, at least we'd all get a laugh.

The likelihood of getting a laugh at Maggie May, is, I'd have to say, rather slight. So I'm thrilled that Boris is replacing the most boring man in the world, Hammond, as Foreign Secretary. In this role, he will be able to trot around the world making an ass of himself to our mirth, pretty much 24/7.

It may frighten the living daylights out of his hosts, but let's be honest, better to be frightened to death than bored to death,  Hammond's party piece.
You mean the Brit Foreign Secretary is coming?
Hammond, unlike Gidiot, isn't dole bound. He's going to be the Chancellor. So order some strong coffee for the Treasury. (You don't want a pic of him. He's about as handsome as he is entertaining.)
We're the International Trade Department.
Do you want to buy some guns?
Messers Fox and Werritty  are appointed to the International Trade Department (new one, presumably formed to encourage trade with the USA, Saudi and Israel, the only three countries Fox knows).

Amber Rudd, who recently said that she wouldn't trust Boris Johnson to drive her home (who would?), a venture capitalist and banker, is the new Secretary of State for Spying on People and Covering Up Establishment Crime. So now she has her own state limo she wont need a lift from Bojo.

David Davies is Secretary for Exiting Europe, another new department not previously required for obvious reasons.

And the Ministry of War is still to be manned by Fallon, presumably becasue he's good with leaky old nuclear submarines.

So that's Tessy done for tonight.
One way of stealing the curtains as you leave.
I do hope she doesn't inherit Mrs Cameron's personal dresser (did you notice she'd still dressed her this morning in the lounge curtains). She should really get one who doesn't need  a white stick to get over the road.
Aye, well, uh?!?
There was just a rumour tonight that Fluffy Muddle may not be reappointed as Viceroy. Wouldn't that be interesting! 


  1. I am old enough to remember another Foreign Secretary who had a habit of going off message as well.
    Wilson sent George Brown to pacify the natives in the Middle East but for one reason or another (probably one in particular!) things didn't quite work out that way.
    The headlines at the time were trying to compare him with Lawrence of Arabia "He rode across the desert wreaking havoc in his wake" only it wasn't what he was supposed to be doing.
    Pretty sure we are going to get similar lurid headlines from Bojo's foreign adventures.

    1. Ha ha... wasn't he a bit of a lush?

      Good old British way of sorting out the natives. Wreak havoc ... or send a gun boat.

      How long will Boris last before Tess is obliged to find him alternative employment counting paper clips?

    2. Anyone remember the movie "Carlton-Brown of the FO "?

    3. More like

      "The Men from The Ministry"

    4. I've got the dvd, Anon. BRILLIANT. Terry-Thomas plays Boris! Or Boris plays Terry-Thomas!

    5. Aye, I thought so, bringiton. I seem to remember seeing photographs of him even more tired and emotional than Princess Margaret.

    6. Had to look that one up Panda. Looks like fun. See if I can get any of the shows up on iPlayer. But from the looks of it, Hyde-White andso on, it sounds very Boris.

  2. Do you think Bo Jo and Fly Mo, sorry De'Trump, will turn their accidental hair arrangements into a menage a deux? Have we eight years more of bombing anywhere they say?

    1. Well, we still have to hope that (love it) Fly Mo will bomb! Not another country, just bomb!

      Wasn't he rude about him too? So that's the current president and either of the two possibles from next year he's insulted.

      Good start!

  3. When might Alistair Darling and Douglas Alexander hope to receive their portfolios?

    1. It might sound far fetched but I'm thinking that she might yet want to move the cabinet even farther to the right, so the Noble Baron Darling of Roulanch may be approached to lower his aristocratic self to the level of ordinary commoners, and given some sort of job. Job....???? Scottish Secretary to replace Fluffy?

      Isn't Dougie Alexander flying about in Bono's private plane looking for your good self, in whatever conflict you are currently resolving, your right honourableness?

    2. Agent Jim mUrphyJuly 16, 2016 1:21 am

      Thank you for mentioning my very important new role about which the Agency refuses to allow me to speak. Oh, for the good old days when I used to model sportswear and get on the BBC. *wistful sigh*

  4. {Have you noticed that to important (to her) meetings she always wear her leopard "lucky shoes"?

    She has a collection of them, all with different height heels.}

    1. Yes Scot, while I was trying to look away from the inappropriate sight of Mrs May's cleavage, and down past her saddle bags in canary yellow, I noticed she was wearing these orange leopard skin shoes.

      I just thought that maybe, apart from her wellies, she didn't have anything else to wear.

      I hope she got lucky, although frankly, I doubt it.

    2. Black and Yellow. Those are two colours which look very nice on a rosette.

      Is this one of those fashion articles we were asking in jest for last month?

      Munguin delivers, yet again.

      Alba Gu Brath!

      And it looks to me like we are going in May. Start saving up now folks, all those badges and flags cost money. Lets win it this time.

      If you don't know stay at home. Can we get that on a badge with a Labour kinda rose?


    3. I wonder if the prime minister knows about black and yellow. It looks a lot better on a rosette than on that frock.

      Our fashion editor just took a fancy to it, what with her looking like a she was wearing a bin liner, Liz looking like she was wearing a bedspread and SamCam looking like she'd knocked something together from the Downing Street curtains...

      What an appropriate time that would be to go for it. May...

  5. SoS Ruth Davidson; from a safe English Tory seat?

    1. actually Ruthie has just been made a privy councilor which has nothing to do with lavvies. Since flock in the HoL have been cabinet members before, the Governor general doesn't need to be an MP...

      Would make those daft questions at the beginning of FMQT interesting - when does the FM plan to meet the Secretary of State for Scotland?

    2. Could be... or could Ruthie actually do the job of leader of the opposition in Scotland and SoS?

      That would be May poking our FM with a tarry stick.

      But then she clearly intends to do that.

      That speech, before everything was a warning to us jocks that she's having no nonsense from us. We are a United Kingdom and the Conservative Party is the Conservative AND UNIONIST party (although I suspect that had something more to do with the republic of Ireland).

      Before she started all her hug a hoodie; hug a black person; hug a working class person; speech, she gave it to us with both barrels.

      Mr Rifkind once said, in a brief moment of not making money, that the Scots hated Thatcher because:

      she was a woman (not really true; we seem to like women a lot, Nicola, Ruth, Kez);
      she was a bossy woman (can't knock that for accuracy);
      she was a bossy English woman (well, she was).

      Maybe Tessy would like to reflect on the fact that far from uniting us, Thatcher divided like never before.

    3. I didn't know that Ruthie was now a PC.

      That's a first, PP. The leader of the opposition being a PC!

      LOL Love the question... she could ask and then say... why don't you pop over this afternoon, I'll get the cakes.

  6. Yes well one thing is certain this Union is an enduring one the Conservative and UNIONIST
    Party will never allow a separation not now not ever ......

    Nicola has met her match bring it on I say .

    1. Yes, that's it done Niko. We must forget being a nation ever again.

      Her of the inappropriate clothes and horrible shoes has spoken.

      Let us never speak of it again! After all she was elected by... Oh yeah, right, well. Passing on.

      If Nicola isn't careful, she'll send Loathesome as SoS ...and she's a mother, you know!


  7. Actually thought May gave a good speech outside no 10 even got a full text
    Problem is they all make wunnerful promises on entering then sharpen the knives
    Fir loads of backstabbing....

    Bo jo for foreign secretary is a perfect choice by the torys just reveals their
    Myopic view of the World .

    George Osborne economic policies binned asap oh well just proves they were ideological
    And political and not the normal natural way of economics ...but we knew that anyway did we not

    1. The speech suggested that she would make like better for the poor, at teh expense of the rich.

      All I can say is:

      1) look at how right wing the cabinet so far is
      2) look at her own voting record

      She's never shown a touch of compassion as far as I can see.

      Her husband is a hedge fund kind of person.

      When I hear that pensions are to be increased in line with Western Europe and the "living wage" IS a living wage, and that people earning £15,000 are out of tax, and that this will be paid for by the obscenely wealthy, then I may start to believe it.

      I remind you of Mrs Thatchers...where there is discord, may we bring harmony ... that should sum up what I think of Tory promises.

      Never was there a PM who brought more discord to the country than her.

      Yes, you're right about Gidiot, but the new man is a right winger with, according to as Dispatches programme a few years ago, a dubious record on tax avoidance.

      Let's not expect too much. Disappointment is in the air. I can smell it.

    2. As for Bojo, there are a few countries he hasn't who knows, this may give him the chance to catch them. Philip mark II.

  8. When I look at that cabinet, I can't help thinking of an amdram group in a leafy suburb. HMS Pinafore maybe.

    1. PIRATES I thought of first!!!

  9. @ TRis: Isn't the Foreign Secretary supposed to be a "diplomat?" So....BORIS????????

    While we're on the subject, in an American presidential cabinet as you know the comparable position is "Secretary of State." So a trivia question: Who was the first American Secretary of State? No fair Googling!

    Now about the new Prime Minister wearing the bright yellow road warning flag to meet the Queen. Apart from the appalling attire, what do you call that bizarre threatening crouch she assumed as she shook hands with the Queen? A CURTSY? Really?

    Cherie Blair....who as a reputed republican executed a very bad royal curtsy....probably did better than that, and was probably much more appropriately attired too.

    Say what we will about the witch Thatcher, Maggie had a superb fashion sense. And furthermore, she is said to have routinely executed the lowest and most graceful curtsies to "Her Majesty the Queen" that have ever been witnessed at the Palace.

    The royals have such a fetish about it that all of THEM curtsy to the Queen. In fact, the world press recently ran a picture of The Duchess of Cambridge curtsying to the Queen in public. Yet the photograph was described as "rare and unusual."

    So for extra points: Why would a picture of Princess Kate publicly curtsying to the Queen be "rare and unusual?" Again, no fair Googling.

    1. Without Googling, we say Thomas Jefferson.

      I'm guessing for the second question that normally when they are seen in public, they will have already met, before that day. She only has to curtsy the first time the meet in a day?

      Again Munguin didn't Google so it may well be wrong. We aren't really experts on royal protocol here.

      As for Boris ...ha ha ha.... nuts.

    2. Tris: Full points awarded on both questions! Congratulations! There are probably even Americans who don't immediately think of Jefferson in his role as the first US Secretary of State in George Washington's cabinet. Or even as the second VP of the United States in John Adams' presidency. His biggest claims to fame of course are penning the Declaration of Independence and becoming the third president (25 years apart.)

      Right again on the "rare and unusual" public curtsy. Indeed, "People" Magazine tells me that the curtsy is executed on the first meeting of the day; and it's rare that on a given day, royals would not have encountered each other in private before meeting in a public venue.

      As for Boris......I have the gravest concern for the Foreign Office.

    3. Ewww... both were guesses. Munguin may have whispered in my ear, but I promise I didn't Google.

      The curtsying and bowing to members of your own family seem strange even to us.

      But the rule book is incredible.

      You curtsy/bow only to people higher up the pecking order than you. So far so easy.

      But it becomes complex because you take your married partner's status when he or she is in the room with you, but not when he or she is not.

      So, for example, if Middleton (a royal by marriage) walks alone into a room and Princess Alexandra (a blood princess) is there, she must curtsy to Alexandra and say, Good morning or whatever, your royal highness.

      If however she is accompanied by her husband, Lazy Billy, it is Princess Alexandra who will curtsy to her, and refer to her as "royal highness.

      I know this becasue a newspaper article explained it at the time that Willy got married to her. She had to learn to rate people above and below her, and know when to submit to their superiority or expect them to submit to hers. Hard work eh?

      Still in return she lives the life of Reilly and gets a virtually non ending amount of our cash. So there are compensations.

    4. Boy....that business of figuring out who you curtsy to....and then have your own status change if your spouse is in the room would be really hard to remember. And families being families, I guess that getting pissed of at a higher ranking family member and throwing a drink in their face is out of the question?

    5. Errata: That's supposed to be "pissed off", not "pissed of".

      (I wish that Blogspot had a way to edit messages after they are posted.)

    6. Aye, sorry about the lack of correction facility. It's the same for the blog admin.

      I'm trying, with no success whatsoever, to imagine someone throwing a drink in any of their faces. But it is quite fun.

      I was once invited to a garden party at Holyrood as part of a job I had been doing involved the Prince's Trust (an excellent organisation).

      I more of less had to go as part of the job. However when I got the list of dos and don'ts from teh palace I just said NO.

      I don't call anyone Sir unless I feel inclined to, and there is no way I'm bowing or calling anyone in the world "Your Royal Highness". And I don't wear clothes to suit prices. So I didn't go.

  10. I recall Theresa May calling on Brown to hold a General Election due to not being elected and thus having no democratic mandate. Will she call a GE given that the Labour party is a shambles and UKIP losing their most effective communicator. It might even have a bonus as far as Scotland is concerned in that the loss of even one of the current SNP seats could be heralded as a unionist triumph.

    As for Boris being Foreign Secretary that is really taking the piss...

    1. Well, I wonder. She says she won't have an election. You're right though...the SNP could lose some seats. You can't stay at a pinnacle of 56 seats forever. On the other hand they might not adn Fluffy could lose his seat.

      As for Boris, I repeat ...ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, etc ad infinitum.

  11. One other thing about these appointments.
    David Davis has been appointed as the minister in charge of EU exit negotiations.
    He is on record as saying (during our referendum) that Scotland has the right to self determination should we decide.
    However,now that this is a real possibility,he will have to take orders from his boss who believes strongly in unions between countries (but only those where she is in charge!).
    Still,we might get a more sympathetic hearing from him.

    1. I reckon it is a possibility that he (although hard right, a not totally unreasonable man) may understand Scotland's situation. He could well be a help to us rather than a hindrance.

  12. Will Cameron be sanctioned by the DWP for deliberately making himself unemployed?
    You don't receive Jobseekers Allowance for a certain period if you leave a job.

    1. Ahhhhh, bu you see, despite the redundancy payment, he hasn't actually become jobless. He's still of 3 times the average wage for being a part time MP.

      Anyway, no one is in charge of the DWP because Crabby has resigned to spend more time sexting.

  13. I've always liked Edvard Munch's "Scream", but the way these jokers are acting, maybe the laughing cavalier is more appropriate.

    1. Anything by Hieronymus Bosch would be appropriate for this bunch of lunatics

  14. I didn't realise Gideon had a sense of humour. I wonder who the Icelandic Chancellor (or equivalent) is? Now there is someone who has sorted their economy out.

    I don't think Boris has insulted Surinam yet, I'm sure it won't be long though.