Thursday, 16 April 2015

Just for a LAUGH

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvellous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "

"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress." 

Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco . Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher. 

Several of the men went out for lunch at a local café.   When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.    How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?   Clearly  --  this was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker  "

But before they could finish,..........

the waitress interrupted.   "Oh  --  sorry about that."   She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny ..but I have to get up in the morning and you don't!." 


A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car." 


John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do', said Keith.

'Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.' 


  1. Replies
    1. I used to do it from time to time when I was sick of politics and politicians...

      What better time to bring it back...?

  2. I like blogs that have a bit of humour thrown in. Wish there were more like it.

  3. An over confident genius makes a bet with the village idiot.
    The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer to, you have to give me £5.
    If you ask me a question and I can't answer, I will give you £5,000."
    The idiot says, "Okay."
    The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?"
    The idiot doesn't know and hands over the £5.
    The idiot asks, "What animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"
    The genius thinks long and hard for the answer but, gives up and hands over the £5000.
    The genius says, "By the way, what was the answer to your question?"
    The idiot hands over £5.

  4. Replies
    1. Knock, knock!
      Who's there?
      Jim Murphy.
      Jim Murphy, who cares?

    2. TY CH...

      Who indeed...

      I gather Nicola is doing great guns on tv... Apparently Nigel was left in no doubt about what we thought about him.

  5. Laughing my socks off Tris. Happy Blogs are rare these days.

    big thanks for the jokes ... handy for the pub on saturday.

    1. Well Richy. Politics goes on and on and on and... well, ya know.

      Sometimes I... and I guess you...need a break from them.

      I'll make it a regular feature again if you guys want...

  6. Once, long ago, I was explaining to some friends in a pub why I had not turned up to meet them the night before.

    "Well I forgot to change over from the reverse tank when I last filled up" after a swallow of my pint.Sneers all round especially
    from Walrus, named after his moustache.

    "Ye ken how these roads all look alike in the dark? Ah took a wrang turn and ended up in the erse end o naewhere wi an empty tank in the dark".

    Under his moustache Walrus' top lip was being positively gymnastic.

    "Ye ken it had been pissing doon an eveywhere wis soaking? A put her oan the centre stand, put my back on the sissy bar and ma feet ower the handlebars and tried to get to sleep".

    "Well it wisnae lang until headlights woke me up and a wee MGB pulled up beside me". Walrus was just about to ask me which year and model- I put my hand up.

    "Haud oan- there wis this blonde lassie driving."

    Indeed there was - "long blonde hair, a tight chamois leather minidress and legs up to her armpits."

    The other conversations stopped.

    "She asked me if I wanted a lift...ah jist nodded a wee bit lost for words ye ken."

    "Well we drove for a wee while, me trying not to look at her legs and trying to think of something witty to say, but then she told me her dad's pub was just around the corner and i could phone for help there"

    The barman leaned over the counter about to ask 'what pub?' Hand up again.

    "So she's pulls up outside this pub I'd never seen before - a rustic wee dream o a place - and says dinnae worry ah've goat a key."

    "It was dark and empty, but there was still a fire on to see by and she lit a couple of those wee table candle hings."

    Walrus' rollup was dangling unheeded from his bottom lip.

    "She pulls me a pint and sits down beside me on a hard leather couch..."

    I take a pull from my pint. Silence.

    "Whit happened then?" Croaked Walrus eventually.

    "...Ah fell off the fuckin bike."

  7. Oh boy I need that, and thanks to you and all of the above, being a wumman I don't really do jokes, tend to put the punch line in the wrong place. I had a good laugh at all of those.

    1. Well, there are some great comediennes both now and in the past who might say that women can be pretty good with jokes...

      But I think regardless of gender there are some people who are brilliant at telling them and some who are not.

      All I'll say is that I'm better in written form than I am in reality!!

  8. tris

    Best joke i heard wuz Cameron saying he wasn't invited to the debate....ha ha ha

    1. Aye...what a tube. Iwonder who told him to stay away. That idiot Lynton Crosby?

      Better still... who told Clegg to turn up, or did they seriously forget he existed and not invite him.

      The way I see it is you can't bother turning up for the interview, don't expect to get the job.