THIS IS A TOPPER OF A BEEZER OF A DANDY OF A STORY, FROM THE BEANO

A completely crushing blow has hit the first minister. No, not two of his MSPs resigning the whip; no, not being called a bare faced liar by, erm Labour (no, stop laughing, it's not funny)*. No no no, it's worse. Get a load of this!

Some bloke in Kelso with, it seems to me, too much time on his hands, has decided that Mr Salmond calling the Tory government "this bunch of incompetent Lord Snootys" was "an attack on people, identifiable to me as English, solely on the grounds of race", and as such showed anti-English prejudice.

Colin Shaughnessy has written to Lothian and Borders police to make a complaint (although, as Mr Salmond made the statement at the conference, and the conference was held in Perth, it should probably be Tayside Police that he complains to). The sooner we have one police force, the easier it will be for dullards to know whom to write to with their complaints.

The best of it is that Shaughnessy is a lawyer! No, seriously, he is. (Tris checks calendar and notes that it is not April 1.)

But I want to put poor Alex's mind at rest.

You see, first of all, it seems to me that the comment was nothing to do with race and everything to do with the fact that the London cabinet consists overwhelmingly of very rich, privately educated chaps, many of them with aristocratic connections and all of them with absolutely no idea of what life in Britain is like.

But the aristocracy in the UK is not exclusively English, and nor is the Cabinet. Indeed the most senior of the Lord Snootys to which the first minister referred, the leader of the House of Lords, is indeed The Lord Strathclyde, Thomas Galloway Dunlop du Roy de Blicquy Galbraith, 2nd Baron Strathclyde, PC, Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, who from his title (Strathclyde), you might guess, and you would be correct in that guess, is Scottish.

Now, how anti-English is that?

Secondly, the name "Lord Snooty" originates in a comic strip from a Scottish (and very loyal Tory) publishing house, D C Thomson. The strip first appeared in the 'Beano's' first edition in July 1938, so not new then, and to the best of my knowledge it has never caused anyone any offense.

Furthermore, 'Private Eye' has recently been publishing a parody comic strip called "Dave Snooty and his Pals" which takes the Mick (oh sorry was that identifiably Irish)  out of Dave and George, and yes, probably from time to time dear old Tom Strathclyde.

I wish Shaughnessy joy taking D C Thomson, Private Eye and the First Minister, oh, and the Daily Telegraph for this, to court. Maybe they will run a counter charge that it's anti-Scottish to imply that the Second Baron Strathclyde is an Englishman (English Gentleman, please).

And i thought I was sad writing a blog. Honestly, some people REALLY need to get a life.

* Off topic, but did anyone see FMQ? Had wee Ruthie been on the wacky backy or the electric soup or something?  I thought someone was gonna have to send for a straight jacket!