Sunday, 9 May 2010


What a laugh.

Wee Alfie McKenzie (pictured) was mistakenly put on the electors’ register and sent a voting card, and so he did what far too many people were too busy or too lazy or disinterested in the future of the country to do. He used it and he voted.

The only trouble was that Alfie (pictured above) is 14, and thus presently 4 years shy of being allowed to vote legally.

He said that he dressed as much like a Tory as he could manage: a trenchcoat, reading glasses, sharp shoes, gave it his “slightly eccentric aristocrat's walk and best self-righteous Conservative accent” walked into St Hilda's polling station, went up to the table and was handed a ballot paper.

He voted Liberal Democrat because he believes in fair play, which is a bit strange for a lad who just voted illegally... but what the hell. He confided his prank to a teacher who didn’t see the funny side and reported it to the police. (Note to teenagers: teachers rarely see the funny side of crimes, even pretty funny ones.)

However, luckily for wee Alfie, who considers himself to be a Social Democrat, the police don’t seem inclined to prosecute, and neither should they, for Alfie is hardly a danger to society. I reckon the telling off he gets will quell his high spirits for a while.

Doubtless at some time in the future some rag will rake up the story just as Alfie is about to stand for the Liberals and make his name in politics.

He is hoping that someone from the Liberals or Labour will get in touch. I’m pretty sure they will Alfie, but, if you are a Social Democrat, I’d ignore any overtures from the Labour Party. They aren’t your cup of tea at all.


  1. What a trustworthy teacher, they must really like him!

  2. He's a wee rascal that yin. He'll no be able tae concentrate oan his sums th'day, whit wi' aw the reporters hingin' aboot the school gates wi' their cameras an' notebooks an' botherin' him at playtime. Ye have tae wonder tho how he'll get oan wi' the teacher that clyped oan him. Ah mind gettin' clyped oan by a teacher wance, but it wisnae fer votin' in a general election ah can tell ye. When ah wis at school ye werenae allowed tae vote.

    Ah'm led tae believe the lad's a socialist, but had tae vote liberal cos he didnae really hae choice oan his ballot an had tae gie a tactical vote. Of course, we were aw socialists at his age, wavin' oor red flags an' marchin' in the streets. Ye wid think nuthin' o' walkin' aw the way tae London toon, jist tae show yer righteous anger at capitalism an' aw its evils. Singin' aw the way.

    Then ye graw up, an' things change. Yer principles get buried under wet nappies an' dirty shirt collars, ye hae tae turn yer red flag intae dusters, an' its aw ye can dae tae walk doon the street fer yer messages. Life's harder than it looked fae the schoolyaird, yer choices get awfy complicated, an' eventually ye end up votin' liberal, cos ye're jist no sure o' anythin' any longer...

    Alfie's got it erse afore elbie, mibbe that's why he wants eventually tae be like Mr Benn, an auld socialist.

    Of course, ye've got tae wonder at Alfie's sister. A wummin comes tae the door, askin' aw who lives in the hoose, an' the bold lass tells her! She says she thocht it wis fer the census, an' here it wis fer the pollin' register.

    It coulda been the Jehovas Witnesses, an' where wid they aw be then? Ye've got tae be careful hen. If onybody comes tae ma door ah tell them ah'm no in, ah'm away tae the steamie or the races at Musselburgh or some other keich. It disnae always work, but ye should see their faces.

    Well ah wish Alfie aw the best in the future. He should make a great politician, he's got the self-publicity skills awready. Noo aw he needs is a pairty tae join, an' his O levels.

  3. Munguin: You're right there. I'd be likely to confide in that one again, wouldn't you? I know it's electoral law and all that, but you have Jack Straw (Who as a QC should know the law on these things), feeding the five thousand, clearly not in the hopes that they wouldn't vote for him, and that daft old bat Kerry the Solicitor Twit (who should, as a lawyer, know better), releasing details of the postal vote on Twatter, and no one says a word, and poor wee Aflie gets hammered by someone he trusted.

    There's a lesson Alfie. Never trust the establishment. They are such a pile of second rate pants.

    If I'd been that teacher I'd have had a long chat with the lad, and explained that, although he had a voting card and was on the register, he knew it was wrong; he shouldn't have done it, and he had distorted, if only ever so slightly, the right of English adults to vote for the party of their choice. I'd then have advised him that he should tell the authorities: not the police, but the Presiding Officer, and I'd have volunteered to go with him and support him.

    That's the way to make kids into responsible adults.

  4. Oh Sophia. You should write a book, never mind a blog. What a delight to read. And bang on the button, as usual.

  5. OK

    It is time.

    Can anyone tell me

    1) the postal vote figures in all the Scottish constituencies.

    2) the corresponding figure in the last General Election or by-election

    3) how many, if any, of these postal vote applications were verified, when and by whom.

    I would bet my M & S drawers, if I had any, remember I am fur becoated (hell I could be a secret agent from Edinburgh), that they all came in so fast that none were checked, because the local authorities did not have the enough Unite(d) manpower to carry it out in the given time.

    Given that there could well be a postal vote fraud of significance will the responsible authorities now initiate a retrospective check on all postal voters and publish their findings?

  6. Bugger:

    I can't mate. I can't imagine that the SNP hasn't looked into it though. I mean they were well and truly done over at Glenrothes at the by-election. You'd think that they would be aware at the highest level of the propensity of some people to indulge in electoral fraud sightly more important than teh fraud of wee Alfie.

  7. It seems that our elections are not as secure as those in Kenya.

  8. Probably not as secure as those in North Korea. Tom Harris would like it there, they have a very strong government that is not elected by PR. The voting system in North Korea is doubtless crap but not as crap as PR. It is first past the post taken to a logical conclusion. The Dear Leader decides where the post is and when he has past it and nobody else is standing so he must be first. Never mind that 99.99% of the electorate did not vote for him he got enough votes to establish authority.

  9. Would you care to elabourate Munguin?

  10. Ah sorry... you already did.

    Yes. You can have very strong government .. or you can try something else. What matters is good government. But this is Britian and they are not very good at trying something different.

    Everyone seems to be worried about the markets (a narrow perception of the wellbeing of the country) which in turn seem to be far more concerned about what is happening in Europe, than what's going on in Westiminster District Council with a pile of third raters fighting over a moribund parliament and a house in a gated community.

    Get over yourselves. You're not important and more and haven't been for 60+ years.

  11. Kenyan and other observers from Africa monitored our election and were amazed to find this great bastion of democracy (laugh out loud) had the most insecure elections they have ever seen with practically no checking to make sure people are who they say they are. That will be why young Alfie was allowed to vote. If we held Thursday’s election in Kenya it would have been declared unsafe. There you are another string to our great DEMOCRATIC bow;

    -Unelected head of state=democracy nil
    -Unelected upper house=democracy nil
    -FPTP means vast majority of seats are always safe and the entire election revolves around a tiny minority of floating voters in marginal constituencies=democracy nil
    -the elections are insecure in terms of postal vote fraud and now voter ID fraud=democracy nil

    Did I leave anything out?

  12. The trouble is that people like Tom Harris equate strong government with good government which is of course rubbish-strong government leads to compacency, stagnation and corruption and if it goes on too long it loses momentum and makes catastrophic mistakes- The last 2 did that is Thatcher/Major and Blair/Brown why can nobody see that?

  13. Munguin

    Is that not like how the Gorgon is thinking and acting?

  14. Its incredible how the markest manage to work in countries where they have coalition government all the time; like err Germany would that it were that we had their markets and their finacial postion.

  15. Bugger yes it is-his government is moribund and it has made ctastrophic mistakes because it was strong and has been all along-but was it good? Hardly.

    The one Eyed Cuckoo of Dunfermline has obviously become unhinged and now dignity is going out of the window after good government, gravitas.

  16. My post at 11:24 was made wrt to Munguin's at 11:11

  17. Sorry Bugger you are comparing our erstwhile leader with North Korea's Dear Leader. It has certainly been very difficult to get Kim to step down and go away so in that respect yes.

  18. What a grass his teacher was. Phoning the police on a 14 year old lad who was sent out a voting card. One can only presume that his teacher was either a disgruntled Labour voter or a Tory.

    This lad and his cheeky vote certainly influenced the final vote in the election .(NOT)

    His teacher should concentrate on his/her own job and let the police chastise those teens who take drugs and cause havoc in our towns and cities.

  19. I think that the hard thing about voting ages is the bloody mindedness of it all. I mean there are 14 year olds...and there are 14 year olds if you see what I mean.. I know I certainly was 'grown up enough' to vote when I was Alfie's age. So prosecution for being eager to participate in our electoral process? No, if anything I'd shake his hand.

    Plus- I've relaunched new-right following my fit of dispondency, same name and everything ;) Cheers Tris, I almonst quit blogging altogether there.

  20. Yes Allan: Couldn't agree more. Perhaps it would be a good idea if he/she concentrated on teaching and gave up on sneaking confidences.

    I agree too that druggies should be of more importance to the police, but let's be honest, they are hard work, and wee Alfie was easy.

  21. Dean: Of course there are 14 year olds and 14 year olds.... but he was wrong to do what he did no matter how bright and politically switched on he is. But there are worse things to do than to want to use a vote that was sent to you. It wasn't like he stole someone else's vote. Yep he gets my handshake too.

    I'm genuinely delighted you're back blogging again. I don't always agree with you but I like to read what you have to say, and often I find myself nodding with you. Even when I'm shaking my head I still value your opinion.

    Welcome home mate.