NOTE TO BETTER TOGETHER...

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You haven't done pestilence, drought, floods, famine or volcanic eruptions yet.

Probably best to get them out pretty soon, or no one will be listening... and that would be a pity because these are as worthy of a good belly laugh (and we all need a good belly laugh) as this one is. 

Seriously, step back, look at, and listen to, yourselves. Barbed wire borders, exclusion for the EU, roving charges, Gas and electricity subsidies from England, the end of the western world... 

You're getting sillier and sillier. 

Oh look, this is what an intelligent person thinks.

We're thinking that maybe we'll have to have you committed.

LORD HELP US...

George's 'Paradise Lost' speech went down like the Titanic
We should remember that, for him, the end of the UK is the end of him being important.
It is no wonder he is so passionate about maintaining
 his station in life and the income that goes with it

Earlier this week it was reported that Anas Sarwar had somewhat grandly, appointed a gaggle of peers (Wiki tells me that the collective noun for Lards is "house", but I think gaggle is more fitting) to reinvigorate the NO campaign's argument. The idea was to bring something fresh and positive to the debate; the positive case for the union that we all been waiting for these many years.

Among this 'gaggle' was The Noble Baron, the Lord Robertson of Port Ellen, whose aristocratic line stretches back ...ohhhh,... more than 14 years. 

And it fell to this noble aristocrat to kicked off for Labour and their new positive approach to the importance to the people of Scotland of remaining a part of the United Kingdom, which as the Tories keep telling us, is the most successful union of countries in the known universe, ever.

In a speech in New York, His Lordship held nothing back. We all know by now, the contents of this speech. (If not the BBC report it at the previous link.) Was there ever so much positivity in one room at one time, I ask myself.

Unfortunately for the No campaign, the reaction form the public and the press in the UK has been rather less enthusiastic than they might have hoped for, as is illustrated by the cuttings displayed above.

Still we do have the contribution of the 'merry' old soul, the Noble Baron, the Lord ffoulkes, to look forward to!

That should be fun... I wonder if it will involve dancing in the street!

**********

Spoke too soon, huh...

When will prime ministers learn that the fastest way to a red face is backing someone who has broken rules, pocketed more money that most of us will ever see, treated officials with disdain, appears to have threatened newspapers, and then makes an apology that isn't even slightly apologetic?

Maria '£1.2 million profit' Miller has resigned, after taking account of the feelings in the Conservative Party, not, you'll note, the country, nor even her constituency. 

She was reported to be close to tears and wishing she could have stayed. (My counsel to her is not to worry. There are almost as many opportunities to fiddle from the backbenches as there are from the ranks of ministers.)

In another hammer blow to Cameron's authority, it was the backbenchers who hounded her out of office, and not the prime minister.

Still, I have a feeling that perhaps she could be useful to the Treasury now that she is free of ministerial briefs herself.

After all if she can turn around that sort of profit on a house, wouldn't it be an idea for her to advise Gideon. He seems to be nothing but a dead loss.

**********

Pasties for supper... how jolly!

Bless him though, our Gid does his best. I'm not sure for whom he does it, but I'm sure it's his best.

The shame of it is that his best is simply, as "Private Eye" would say, "piss poor".

It seems that despite the rosy glow in which our beloved chancellor painted the state of the UK's finances only a few weeks ago, he neglected to count in £100 billion of debt, that must have dropped behind the settee when he was doing his sums, and was inconveniently found by the cleaner just this week when she gave the place a good once over.

Cameron and Osborne are the luckiest guys alive. If there was anything like ministerial material on the Labour front benches, they'd be looking at oblivion next May. As it is, they look like walking it...

**********

IT'S A DOG'S LIFE

Labour Aristocrats are Better Together in London

King Anas, moved up in the world. Appointing noblemen to jobs

Anas Sarwar has appointed, if you please, The Noble Lord, Baron ffoulkes of Cummnock, The Noble Lord, Baron Robertson of Port Ellen (where they speak Gaelic), The Noble Lord, Baron Reid of Cardowan, The Noble Baroness, Lady Liddell of Coat Dyke and The Noble Lord, Baron McConnell of Glenscorrodale (if it's no tartan, it's a skirt) to the Yes for Labour campaign or whatever it is called.

Thatcher lookalike

Doubtless his reasoning for doing this is that:

 a) the Labour party relies heavily for anyone of gravitas on a House of parliament that they have always vowed to abolish (but never have) and

 b) because they know that ordinary working class Scottish people really love and deeply respect the their social betters.

I know for a fact that one word from the mouths of any of these people, who are my betters, will immediately change my mind.

Frankly I think they are taking a big chance with this.

George, as sober as a lord

The want to get a positive message across, but as far as I can see we have already had plenty of people with ordinary red blood trying to tell us that with a Labour government in England all social ills will be cured. There will be social justice for all our peoples and we will have enormous clout in NATO, The EU, The UN, and every other world body.

It hasn't worked thus far.

Why do they think that there is much chance of the message being any better when it comes form blue bloods that rely on the House of the Living Dead for £300 a day tax free and loads of subsidised grub and booze.

Wee Joke.
If it's not tartan, it's a skirt

I mean, I don't want to criticise, Anas, but, personally, I’d be wondering if these noble personages weren't bending the truth just a wee bitty so that they could keep their aristocratic snouts in the plentiful troughs of Westminster.

They should get Mental Mickey Forsyth to join them. I know he's a Tory, but they are all much of a muchness.

Dear Mr Cameron...A poem by Mato21

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EVEN THE ARISTOS THINK WE SHOULD VOTE "YES"...

...AND THAT "NO" WOULD BE A DISASTER

CAMERON TELLS THE TRUE BLUES WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR...EVEN IF IT'S GARBAGE

David Cameron has spoken of his love for the "incomparable" United Kingdom, as he set out what he described as a "positive vision" for preserving the union. Cameron hailed the shared history of Scotland and the other nations of the UK building the industrial revolution, fighting two World Wars, creating the NHS and staging the Olympics.

And he dismissed Scottish National Party leader Alex Salmond as a "man without a plan" whose proposals for an independent Scotland were "all over the place".

He told delegates at the Conservative Spring Forum in London: "These four nations. Three colours on the flag. One incomparable United Kingdom. 

Nothing to stop it, Alex

"We love this country and all it stands for - so let's win this referendum for all our futures. Our next big fight: the one to keep our United Kingdom united. Let us set out our positive vision for the future of the UK." (No, we don’t all love this country. Many people live in some kind of hell; many other couldn’t care less about it. Chipping Norton, Dave, is not the whole country!)

Setting out his case for the UK to remain united, the PM asked: "When the future belongs to the innovators, why would we want to put up walls between the bio-engineers in Edinburgh and Cambridge? (Like there isn’t any chance of us working across international borders as we do at the moment with other European states, the USA, Japan and many other countries?)

"When stability and certainty are what brings in investment, why would we break apart one of the oldest and most successful single markets and currencies on the planet?" (We won’t be. We are in a single market. It’s called the EU. Doesn’t Britain sell stuff to and buy stuff from France, Spain and Germany?)

But he said that supporters of the union were fighting for a No vote on September 18 "not just because the UK works - which of course it does - but because we love this country". (Well, it doesn’t work actually and you may love it , Dave; it’s been good to you. Eton, Oxford, parliament, Prime Minister, loads of money, seat in the House of Lords and great pension to look forward to. What’s not to like? You remind me of HRH the Prince of Wales announcing that he felt very privileged to be born British.) 

Keep talking, Dave

Scotland and the rest of the UK have "ties that run rich and deep", said the PM. "Two hundred years ago we were leading the industrial revolution and shaping the world's economic ideas. One hundred years ago young men from the Highlands to the Valleys went to war together, and many fell, together. (We fought with people from other countries too, Dave. It wasn’t just Scotland and England, Wales and NI against the world.)

"Seventy years ago - the D Day landings, the Highlanders running on to the beaches of Northern France to the skirl of the bagpipes. (Patronising git! In almost every conflict in the last 100 years we have fought alongside people from many countries. Let’s not forget the enormous contribution of Commonwealth countries, the Soviet Union and the USA. We…we don’t have to be ruled by the London Tories to fight together.)

"Sixty years ago - building the health service that says no matter where you're from or how much you've got, we will look after you. (Oh please. Given what you are doing to the Health Service even you must have seen mentioning that as a big mistake.)

"And one year ago - the single-tier pension, which says if you've worked hard all your life we will support you - a mark of respect for those who have worked hard all their lives and a symbol of our solidarity on these islands." (Thanks a million. Soon you’ll be 75 before you get it. Scotland will be able to afford pensions… just like Norway, Sweden, Malta, Luxembourg, Switzerland, Iceland, RoI. It’s not exclusively British.  Indeed Britain has the lowest pension in Europe by comparison with average wages.) 

Yep... that's what we like to see... an open mouth

Mr Cameron rejected the argument that flying the flag is wrong and taking pride in Britain's history "vulgar". (Fine. Fly your flag and we will fly ours.)

"I say no," he said. "Head for head we are a people that has influenced and improved the world like no other - and this is what I'll proudly teach my children." (Do you ever mention all the harm you’ve done… you know, all the deaths your governments have cased; all the misery you wrought on people that didn’t want to be herded into reservations, or have bombs dropped on them?)

He cited the UK's democracy and its celebration of injured war veterans in the Olympic torch parade as examples of what made him proud. (Probably the least democratic country in the Western World, with a powerful unelected head of state, unelected house of aristos, churchmen [from one church only] and party funders, and a house with members elected by FPTP, often totally unrepresentative of the votes in their constituency. In particular, Scotland ruled by the Tories by returning one MP?)

"This is what I love about our UK," said Mr Cameron. "The decency. The family. The solidarity”. (What a load of piffle. What you like about it is the way you live at the top of the dung heap.) 

Eton Boys don;t like being crossed, do they

"The health service we built together (what?), the help in hard times we provide together (what?), the starving people around the world that we help feed together, the freedom we fought for together.” (What freedom? Iraq, Afghanistan? And how about the starving people in cities up and down the country queuing up at food banks and soup kitchens? The help we provide for the disabled and the sick, thanks to Ian Duncan Smith and Atos? Is that the help you’re talking about? Obviously you’ve never been  a recipient of the kind of help that drives you to kill yourself.)

Mr Salmond's desire to have independence while keeping the pound was "like someone asking for a divorce and then saying 'but do you mind if I keep the joint bank account and credit card?'," said Mr Cameron. (No, it wasn’t you economic illiterate. It was common sense. Have you seen the article in the Herald?) 

Respect! Or not.

And he added: "Alex Salmond talks about having a plan for Scotland... yes - he's on draft 83. (No, he’s not, but as circumstances change, the plan changes. It’s called government. You’d know nothing about it.)

"The reality is, he is a man without a plan - and let's be bold in saying it." (No. He’s not, and you know that. For a man without a plan he’s got us to more or less neck and neck… And since you mention it, your plan is, erm …what exactly?)

Needless to say in a reply Nicola Sturgeon rubbished everything he said, much more expertly than I did.

HOW TO MAKE ONE AND A HALF MILLION AND PAY BACK £5,800

He he he... I got away with it

Tory MP Maria Miller claimed nearly a hundred thousand pounds in expenses for a second home she hardly used and then moved her parents into it, to live for free at the tax payers’ expense. Miller a supporter of the Bedroom Tax also claimed for food and furniture, council tax, telephone and TV licence for the property.

Scot free, because I'm an important person

She was told off but cleared of the most serious charges and ordered to pay back just over five thousand pounds even though she was criticised for her "attitude" to the inquiry, which pretty much means she lied and obstructed the commissioner. There are allegations that the press was warned to back off by both her own staff and Downing Street, by being reminded that it was miller who was overseeing press regulation.

But David Cameron said  that Miller was doing an excellent job and that people should just leave it at that. 

It is a pity that we all cannot be tried by a parliamentary inquiry for our wrong doings because the prisons would be empty, as we all said sorry for stealing and lying. 

The Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards recommended that she he made to pay back £45,000 of stolen money, but MPs on the Commons Standards Committee overruled the recommendations and let her off with £5,800 payback and a 30 second apology. 

Miller has since sold the property on which she made such a killing for a £1.2 million profit. So she'll not be worrying too much about her old age.

But don't get the idea that you could get away with it.
You're just oinks

People thought that the expenses scandal was a thing of history but more and more it seems that they have simply found craftier ways of stealing. They didn't go into politics to be thwarted by the likes of you and me.

MARGO

I was going to write something long and serious about Margo who died today.

But many other people have done a far better job that I would have; people who really knew her for the warm and lovely person that she was. People like Derek Bateman. I briefly met only once in parliament and knew her only by reputation.

And what a reputation.

I can't say I always agreed with her, but honestly, who can say that of anyone? I don't always agree with myself, never mind anyone else.

I thought that Margo faced her illness with fortitude and good humour. I never heard about her moaning. She just got on with the hand she'd been dealt and worked at what she was good at. 

She knew that her health and her faculties would deteriorate over time, and she was as prepared for this as I suppose you ever can be. 

She knew too, that when the time came that it was too much for her and when she felt she could no longer face life, she could afford to take a plane to Zurich and pay the fee required to end her life legally.

So it was for other people who couldn't begin to consider affording that that she launched her bill to legalise limited euthanasia in Scotland. 

Patrick Harvie, her close friend, will now take that bill through parliament on her behalf. I wish it a speedy and successful passage.

It's incredibly sad that she won't be here to see independence. She has been, for a very very long time, one of the key players in making it possible.

So I feel reasonably confident in saying that Margo wouldn't have wanted a huge fuss and bother over her death. Rather she would just remind us, as she did last year and the year before... If we just convince one person each, we are home and dry.

Then, I suspect, she'd tell us to get out there and get on with it.

DO SAVAGES LIKE THIS DESERVE A SIRHOOD?

WARNING: THIS POST HAS DISTRESSING DETAILS OF ANIMAL CRUELTY BY LOWLIFE SCUMBAGS

This is Millionaire Banker, Tory Advisor and member and supporter of Countryside Alliance Sir David Scholey.

He is one of many wealthy individuals who are willing to spend in excess of £60,000 for the privilege of shooting a lion in South Africa.

These lions are bred to be shot in so called canned hunting operations which have grown significantly in South Africa over the last decade. They breed the lions from cubs often bringing in tourist to play and walk with them boasting on their conservation work. The young animals are then prepared to be released into shooting areas where they will be brought out via meat baits in front of the guns of so called trophy hunters. In many cases the shooters will have been drinking and will blast wounding the animal many times before it’s killed.

Some operations even allow the use of high powered bow and arrows to kill lions. To make matters worse the hunt operations will provide the head and skin of the lion for use as a rug and a wall trophy and keep the bones which they will then sell into the Asian medicine trade at great profit. This trade is leading to a huge increase in the poaching of wild lions across Africa (little over 200,000 left).

None of this seems to worry Mr Scholey who seems very proud of his kill. The Countryside Alliance and US National Rifle Associations are very happy for their members to participate in these trophy hunts despite the obvious cruelty and its impact on the future of a threatened species.

Here's what the creep told The Sun:

"I have been hunting all over the world for many, many years and I have always hunted within the legal arrangements of the country concerned. I regard that as an entirely personal matter.

The good guy lost this particular battle; the savage won. Pity.

"All the animals I hunt are wild beasts. And I have felt threatened by them at times. (AWWWWWWW Not as threatened as they turned out to be... still we can always hope.)

"The lion I killed certainly wasn't an endangered species where I was hunting it."

Next time the Countryside Alliance start attacking the RSPCA don't forget to ask them when will they throw out African trophy hunters from their membership like David Scholey.

Note: there is now a petition to have his knighthood removed please sign here (thanks Darren Cooper http://www.change.org/en-GB/petitions/david-cameron-remove-sir-david-scholey-s-knighthood

FOTOS FOR FRIDAY

How can you trust someone who changes his age every year?

Bless him, he tried, but no one listened 

If you are called for interview, take garlic, a cross and a stake!

Well... his job's at risk!

Indeed

If he'd actually done this he couldn't have got more publicity

But then, who listens to Nick Clegg?

Someone took a photo in my bedroom!

The words "tosser" and "useless" come to mind

Bravo Vince!

You and 29 others

You have been warned: Poison!

Who cares?

Oooops Alistair, Freudian slip?

How come?

Risk, Professor?

I was thinking a sticker would look good on him...
Well, better than that jacket which is even sillier than
John Barrowman's

Really, as well as the jet lag, this must take some getting used to.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

I hope this wee fella got where he was wanting to go!

Yes, please don't. Looks really good on this lad, but really bad on you.

"Anyone got a hot water bottle I could borrow?"

AUNTIE'S HAVING HER PICTURE DONE...

The BBC has admitted to paying out £100,000 to people who have been bullied and harassed for not having a tv licence, when in fact either they did have one, or indeed they didn't need one.

I can sympathise with these folk. For years I didn't have a tv. I never watch programmes and I decided that there was no point in cluttering the corner of the living room with something I didn't use. But of course the BBC licencing people didn't believe me and I got letter after letter telling me that they were coming to get me. To begin with of course, I thought it was a genuine mistake and so I wrote back to them telling them I didn't have a set.

They ignored that and sent me another letter, a bit more threatening, so I wrote back explaining that I'd already explained myself in a previous letter, but in case they didn't speak any English I had written the same letter again but this time in French.

And you guessed it. It didn't work either. They sent me a very stiff letter pointing out that they were now going to send someone to see me (scary stuff). 

So this time I wrote in Latin. 

I mean you can never tell in these days of high unemployment when you're going to run into a classicist ... even in a pit of a company like the outsourcing giant, Crapita.  But alas and alack, it appears that there was no one there who spoke a world of the ancient tongue, for the letters went on and on... ad infinitum, as it were.

In the end they seemed to have given up and I thought that the relationship was over. But then I got sick and had to have an operation. And when I got home I was a bit useless for a while and was persuaded to purchase a tv set to help fill the long days. Along with the television set, I took out a direct debit to pay the licence fee.

And you'll never guess what happened. OK, I underestimated you. You will.

Despite the fact that Crapita started to take £12 a month from my bank account and provided me with a piece of paper to say that they were doing so (I believe it is called a television licence) they had obviously missed our poly-glottal correspondence for started it up again, just like we'd never fallen out... and it continues to this day, bless them. We're on to Thai now.

Frankly, I'd not mind a few pounds out of their compensation fund for my own troubles. Writing letters in dead languages isn't altogether easy.

But they appear to have other, more deserving causes for our hard-earned cash in the form of their late and very much overpaid director general, Mark Thomson. They have, it appears, allocated the princely sum of £20,000 from licence payers' money to pay for a portrait of the man to be hung in Broadcasting House.

I'm not entirely sure how that is going to benefit the viewers or listeners in any way at all. Are you? On the other hand it would seem about the right level of compensation for all my troubles.

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS' DAY

UK(ip)OK

*Click to enlarge

Never mind Alistair, just as you see your campaign being pilloried left right and centre and your own good name being held aloft as a figure of fun, someone has come along to show you the way.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the No campaign's secret weapon: Ukip's very own loonie in chief, Nigel Farage, who has come to bail Alistair and NoBlair out. Here's a man who can claim even more in expenses and do less work and more drinking than the greediest Tory Earl with a moat for cleaning or a flipping chancellor. 

YesBlair and all you nasty cybernats better beware. You have been warned.

Nasty Nigel is on his way to hostelry near you...