CHARLIE COSTS US A PRINCELY SUM AND THE BBC TRIES OUT A NEW COMEDY TURN IN REAL LIFE

Yes, we are indeed all in this together.

Well, sort of together, in a manner of speaking, you might say, more or less. The Daily Telegraph has two stories, however, that remind us that some of us aren’t even slightly in it together.

First of all Charles of Rothsay has increased his staff by ten, from 149 – 159 full time equivalent staff, and doubled his travel expenses despite travelling fewer miles in the last year. His staff, includes an amazing 26 personal staff, presumably to squeeze his toothpaste and wash his face for him.
His income from Cornwall (part of the Crown Estates not ceded to the country in exchange for the Civil List) rose by £635,000, which on its own might have been considered to be a rather good deal, but his grants from the government... that is to say us...rose by 40%... yes, you read that right, 40%. That’s an even better deal.
And no one seems to be able to stop this man and Mrs Parker Bowles, from spending like they were the ruling monarchs of a rich first world country.

As usual the royals have trotted out a flunky to explain why the figure for travel is so much more this year than last. It appears that last year the Canadian government covered the cost of his foreign visit to Canada, whereas, on top of all the grant money and Crown Estate money we dole out, we had to pay all his foreign travel this year.

Apparently the royal wedding (that the Windsors and Middletons were going to pay for out of their own pockets) amounted to a good deal of the expense (so clearly they didn’t, and it was you and me who actually paid for it). We’d can presumably anticipate another bill hike when Harry gets hitched and heaven only knows how much the ugly sisters will cost us.

The other story which caught my eye related to the ex Deputy Director General of the BBC who was made redundant last year, and who received a payoff of, wait for it, £950,000. Yep, nearly a million to pay him off. (And he wasn’t even any good. I remember reading that we had to pay the travel expenses of the DG and his family when they came back from their holiday to deal with some minor crisis, despite this man being left in charge.)

Other payoffs at the BBC included a woman, who had served less than two years as director of marketing, communications and audiences, at a cost of £390,000 . I thought you got a week’s pay for every year you had been in the job... well that’s what “other ranks” get. So that makes her weekly wage look pretty special!

Why can’t these people see just how annoying it is to find that your wage has been frozen; your pension reduced; your pension age increased; your winter fuel allowance cut; your roads unrepaired; etc, etc, ad infinitum, while those who can get away with it, rob us blind.

We’re not all in it together some of us are in clover, and I’ll give you three guesses where the rest are...

GOSSIP, GOSSIP, GOSSIP... BANG!

The BBC’s political editor, Robert Peston has been disciplined by his bosses for what they consider disrespectful tweets about their royal highnesses and even her majesty over the period of the “society function of the year”, or as I prefer to call it, “the great distraction”.

Peston, whose strange delivery style with lo-o-o-o-o-ong drawn out vowels is already a gift to the satirical comedy shows, was hauled over the coals for tweeting:

‘The really important thing about this truly magical day is they can have sex at last.’

‘Bit worried about the new princess. Plainly didn’t read her BBC health and safety manual. Too much waving. Big RSI risk.’

In another, he asked what the collective noun was for Royal pundits, naming Simon Schama, Andrew Roberts and Andrew Morton.

He tweeted: ‘The correct answer, as students of constitutional history will know, is “a lickspittle”.’

In a tweet which might be seen as patronising, he wrote: ‘My favourite moment in a magical morning was when Sky News told us that Her Majesty knows the name of every one of the horses. Bless her.’

Jeez, when I read the headline in the Mail online, I thought that he’d actually been rude. I can’t help but think that the BBC management is over-reacting just a bit and he’d be quite within his rights to tell them to “get stuffed”. Needless to say the Daily Mail readers are choking themselves with anger, demanding that he be sacked.

The Mail also has a complicated (to me) story about the rift between socialite Annabel Goldsmith and her daughter Jemima Khan on one hand, and Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles on the other. It’s fascinating the trivia that these people engage in, and that the readers of the Mail clearly lap up.

From what I can make out, it seems that, despite being Diana’s closest friend Annabel didn’t get an invite to the wedding, because Camilla Parker-Bowles and her “husband” are not happy that they (the Goldsmiths) are supportive of Julian Assange. (Clearly it’s not in Charles’ best interests to have a load of secrets revealed, and although the UK government has given him an exclusion from the FoI Act, there’s not a lot Cameron can do about the Wikileaks.) So anyway, there’s a rift and it wasn’t helped that Jemima tweeted ‘Kate Middleton – those are not heir-bearing hips are they? Unfeasibly narrow.’

The worry is that as Annabel is simply the hostess with the mostest, that Camilla will find herself edged out of events, which I thought was a bit unlikely seeing as princess parker Bowles is the heir to the throne and as such anyone who is anyone (except me) would like to have her at their party. Hey but what do i know, I’m only Scottish, and we don’t count in these matters.

Oh dear. The things you end up reading, and then worrying about, when you’ve already heard all there is to hear about Osama bin Laden being shot by the Americans.

Apropos of which, I loved the heading in the Daily Telegraph:

Osama bin Laden killed: live

NO INVITATIONS FOR BLAIR AND BROWN TO THE PREDICTED DELUGE

So, at last, presumably thanks to the duke of Rothsay, who seems to have had a lot to do with invitations’ list, the true political colours of the royal family have been made clear.

There are four ex-prime ministers of the England and the UK living; two of them have been invited to the wedding and two have been ignored. Strangely the most recent two have been ignored. Not so strangely perhaps, they are Labour.

The palace says that the reason for this is that the two Labour ex-prime ministers, unlike Mr Major and Mrs Thatcher, are not knights of the garter. Neither, however, is Tara Palmer Tomkinson, nor Posh Spice, Rowan Atkinson, Elton John and a vast array of other people. They are, however, and no matter how bad they were, ex-prime ministers.

So clearly the duke of Rothsay is a Tory. (Well, no wonder when you consider that in the short time that Cameron‘s boys have been in, the chancellor has given them vast amounts of money and they have been given total secrecy for the Queen, Rothsay and Willie.)

While on the subject of the wedding, I read in the Telegraph this morning that:

Royal wedding: heavy rain forecast for big day

It's the news the country had been dreading

No it’s not Telegraph, you vacuous, sycophantic muppets. The news the country is dreading is another soldier killed in Afghanistan; a plane shot down over Libya; another increase in VAT; another rise in petrol prices, food bills, gas and electricity bills; another round of cuts; a letter from the inland revenue telling us that once again they have made a mess of our taxes and we owe them more money. I suspect that most of the royals can afford a dry pair of shoes, which is a bloody sight more than some of their “subjects”.

Maybe the palace was worried that Blair and Brown, being... ahem... 'socialists', wouldn't have a spare pair of shoes.

Pics: Bonnie Prince Charlie ... oh go on, we need a laugh; Tara Palmer Tomkinson (I bet she can't say that when she's legless...although looking at the pic, it seems that she'd have to go some to lose these legs... not quite the same story about her nose though... She's had to have it rebuilt for the wedding, having disolved it in cocaine. Bless her, she does so much good with her money, keeping plastic surgeons in work.

RAMBLE ON....RAMBLE ON

Accepting hospitality from American billionaires is expected behaviour of Prince Andrew, but now I hear that Charles’s trip to Washington will be paid by a Texan tycoon with links to Augusto Pinochet. Joe Allbritton, who in ‘return’ got an invite to the wedding, is providing a private jet for HRH.

According to Clarence House it will save the taxpayer money, but I understood that Rothsay already received around £16 million a year to fund his work for the country, on top of £16 million from the Duchy of Cornwall to keep himself in kilts, and the crocodile in dresses and jewels.

Charles, who calls himself Defender of Nature (how loonie is that?), is expected to clock up more than double the average bloke’s annual carbon footprint on this one trip. His office said the 'economic climate' made the exchange a consideration. So now, GREAT Britain is selling seats at the royal wedding in return for flights. If the ‘economic climate’ at Clarence House is so dire, Charles could video conference his speech at Georgetown University, or of course, travel like you or I would...cheap seat bought in advance!

It must be a bother having an arse that doesn’t fit into economy seats.

+++++++

The wedding may be one of the hottest tickets in town, with loads of tacky people going, but one NOT so tacky invitee has declined. King Norodom of Cambodia has a busy schedule. Like his dad before him (who declined to attend Princess Alexandra’s wedding) he will be spending the day at home in Cambodia. Probably a wise decision Norodom. The Windsors are providing the food, not the British government. As they are well known for being as tight as drums with their own money, it will likely be cheap and nasty.

+++++++

My favourite satirical comedy programme “The News Quiz” was marred this week by the inclusion of Matthew Parris, who insisted on making serious political points (nope Matty, that’s not what satire’s about) and then insulting the Scottish government by insisting that they operated well only thanks to English tax money.

If they have him on again I won’t listen to it.

+++++++

It’s part of the coalition agreement that government and civil service internships be open and offered to everyone, no longer just for the sharp elbowed middle classes with connections, according to the deputy prime minister and IDS. But Cameron has either forgotten, or thinks he’s above any of these tiresome rules made for lesser beings. He will be offering a neighbour an internship without advertising the job or doing interviews.

"In the modern world, of course you're always going to have internships and interns – people who come and help in your office who come through all sorts of contacts, friendly, political, whatever.", he said. Strange two members of the government he’s supposed to oversee didn’t know that.

+++++++

In a poll on MSN to find the most and the least attractive royal of all time, the most attractive was Princess Grace of Monaco; and the least attractive was Princess Eugenie of England. Grace’s family were well represented in the list of attractive, with her daughter and grandson making the top ten. The bottom ten contained all the Yorks... along with Henry VIII and the princess from Shrek... Among the attractive ones was Crown Prince Frederick from Denmark. I think that if Scotland has to have royals, it would be agreeable if they were a bit more like the Danes. The crown prince was on holiday in Australia and went in to a bar. There was a cute Aussi girl sitting at the bar. He sat down on the next bar stool and said “Hi. My name’s Fred and I’m from Denmark.” They’re married now. They somehow seem like real people.

Pics: Chic and Cammy looking less wrinked than normal; HM King Norodom of Cambodia is busy counting his matchbox collection that day; David Call Me Cameron, the Botox King choking on his words; TRH Prince Fred of Denmark and his Mrs.. I've got a shirt like that... and jeans like that...and trainers like that. Wait a minute, I think he stole my clothes!

WE CANNOT STAND BY AND WATCH A DICTATOR SLAUGHTERING HIS OWN PEOPLE

Watching the television news tonight, I was reminded that a just a few short weeks ago Messers Sarkozy and Cameron were touring the world insisting it was vital for the West to take action against Gadaffi.

I particularly remember Mr Cameron saying, in what I imagine he considered his statesman voice (not unlike Jim Hacker’s attempts at Churchill), that we in Britain could not stand by and watch as a dictator murdered his own people.


He was hailed by the Tory Press as a world leader, quite literally, as he was leading the attempts to force the world into action against the Libyan dictator. The press were, of course, as happy to leave the mention of Sarkozy’s involvement to the 8th or 9th paragraph as they were to point out that President Obama was dithering and indecisive.

Of course they were wrong on all fronts. Mrs Clinton was infact, working on diplomacy behind the scenes, as is the job of the Secretary of State and Cameron and Sarkozy were well out of their depths in involving themselves in matters they didn’t fully understand.

Now don’t misunderstand me. I don’t think that it is easy to leave people to die at the hand of a heartless, cruel and murderous oaf like Gadaffi; and I wouldn’t want the responsibility of declining to get involved, but with my limited knowledge of what goes on in the world, I could see that what we were dealing with here was likely to be more than just Libya.

Tunisia and Egypt had already dispatched their dictator presidents and unrest was already apparent in other Middle East countries. Last night I mentioned in my ramblings the fact that in the tiny kingdom of Bahrain, whose crown prince will be the guest of the Windsors next week, medical personnel were being 'disappeared' because they had seen the dreadful carnage caused by the Bahraini police and their friends from across the causeway in Saudi Arabia.

Today over 50 Syrians have been killed on the orders, Mr Cameron, of their dictator, Bashar al-Assad (who fortunately is not invited to the Windsors’ wingding).

Surely if ordinary people could see that contagion was not only possible, but highly likely, what on Earth possessed Cameron to make such stupid pronouncement? Did HE not foresee that within weeks people would be asking why he was not equally affronted by the death of peoples of other countries at the hands of THEIR dictators?

It would appear that he did not; and neither did his foreign secretary, nor any other his numerous advisors in the FCO. Of course Bahrain and Syria are not the only countries to which this has spread. Unrest is rife in Yemen, and has even spread as far as the nailed-down-tight kingdom of Saudi Arabia, to Morocco and to the much easier-going Jordan, where it seems to have been contained by the swift actions of modernist King Abdullah.

No one now knows how long we will be involved in yet another war which has nothing to do with us; and in the meantime other poor, pathetically downtrodden people will be crushed by dictators to whom doubtless, our governments sold the wherewithal to do it...

And we simply have neither the money nor the manpower to do anything about it. Cameron’s Churchillian moment, which looked fairly daft at the time, now looks plain ridiculous.

MORE RANDOM RAMBLINGS

One of the invitees to this wedding thingy they are having in London, England, is HM King Mswati III if Swaziland (pictured with President and Mrs Obama). His Majesty is one of the richest of the world's monarchs, has 14 wives, a fleet of luxury cars and rules over a country of 1.2 million people, more than 60% of whom live on less than €1 a day and are trying to cope with the world’s highest per capita AIDS infection rates. He has recently put down, with violence, an uprising of the people against him

Clearly the king is not related to the Windsors and so his invite, by the Duke of Rothsay, must mean he is a friend of Charles. He keeps some very odd company does that Charlie. His mother should warn him about speaking to nasty men.

***

The Independent is revealing the intimidation and detention of doctors treating dying and injured pro-democracy protesters in Bahrain.
At least 32 doctors have been arrested and detained by police in the last month in a campaign of intimidation running directly counter to the Geneva Convention guaranteeing medical care to people wounded in conflict. Doctors around the world have expressed their shock and outrage.
Doctors have even been arrested in the operating theatre while treating patients and others have been “disappeared”. The Crown Prince of the country is another of Charlie’s guests at the wedding. A man whose security must be paid for out of the money saved by slashing pensioners’ winter fuel payments.

***
Only the Daily Mail would come out with this. Across the top of its Home Page are pictures of a young soldier who fainted in the heat while wearing full dress uniform. What a damned shame. I’d love to see some of the fat drink soaked journos on the Mail stand up straight in the heat never mind with ridiculous uniforms on. Then in true tabloid form, having embarrassed the poor lad, they make a huge fuss of the fact that for once, just once, it was much hotter in England than on the Costa del Sol, the headline (more Sun than Mail) is “Wish you were here amigos?”

***
It seems that endorsements for Alex Salmond to be Scotland’s next First Minister are coming from every direction. The latest is Tommy Brennan, one of Scotland's great trade union leaders of the past. He cites Mr Salmond's goal of the re-industrialisation of Scotland with renewables energy technology.

Mr Brennan said: "Alex Salmond's vision for Scotland is one all Scots should support. I'm delighted to endorse him for a second term as First Minister. I remember only too well the pain caused by the de-industrialisation of Scotland under the Tories in the 1980s and 1990s, and believe that Alex Salmond's ambition to re-industrialise Scotland by leading the renewables energy revolution is an inspiring goal for young Scots and for jobs and industry in the 21st century."
Alex Salmond warmly welcomed his personal endorsement saying that it was wonderful that Tommy shared the SNP’s vision of Scotland leading the world in the green energy technologies of the 21st century.

***
The Telegraph reveals that Israel under Menachem Begin armed Argentina during the Falkland/Malvinas War of the 80s which established Mrs Thatcher as a war leader in the image of her beloved Winston. Apparently Begin saw a deal to sell the junta weapons, including air to air missiles, missile radar alert systems, fuel tanks for fighter bombers and gas masks, as a form of revenge for the hanging of a personal friend, Dov Gruner, by the British Mandatory Authorities in Palestine in 1947.

Ironically, the weapons which were dispatched from Israel apparently destined for Peru but were then transported on to Argentina, were probably paid for by our senior partner, the USA. I wonder if they knew.

Pics: The King of Swaziland with the Obamas; Injured protestor requiring treatment from the ever dwindling number of medics in Bahrain; Oor Eck basking in the praise of all: Menachem Began who armed the Argies as part of a personal vendetta of hatred against the Brits.

HOLD THE FRONT PAGE.......

This just in from the friendly folks at Sky News.

It's official: the Prime Minister WILL be wearing a morning suit for The Wedding!

There is some confusion over a previous steer, that he would wear a lounge suit. That had provoked some derision along the lines of "Call Me Dave" trying to be just like one of us, man-of-the-people, not-posh-at-all, etc, etc. .

Apparently, the earlier briefing was wrong and he’d "always" intended to wear tails - and why not? If you can't get dressed up for a Royal wedding, then when can you? (The alternative to that is that a message came down for the palace telling him to smarten up and toe the line otherwise they would stop supporting him, no matter how much he doubles the Queen’s income. But silly me, that would involve a U-turn...tsk tsk. As if!)

However, Mr. Cameron is not quite going for the Full Monty (phew, that's a relief!): he'll be wearing tails, but, I am told, no top hat. (Hopefully there's a shirt in there somewhere.)

Wow, wow and treble wow. Now isn't that just the singularly most exciting thing you ever heard?

Elsewhere, Mrs McGinty's cat got stuck up a tree in Auchinmacshoogle and Jeemy McTumshie had tae get his dad's ladder and get it doon.

More really interesting stuff that will keep you awake tomorrow from Sky via Munguin's Republic.

You read it here first.

JUST IGNORE THE AUTHORITIES: HAVE A PARTY

The minute that the wedding of William and Kate Middleton was announced to be taking place around the time that the de facto income tax increase and reduction in tax credits would be felt in pay packets “up and down the country” (why is it always “up and down, why not “down and up” which is what it would be if you lived “up north”?), I suspected that this was a cunning plan to distract the distractible from the start of the painful truth that “things are only getting...erm.... worse”.

I can see the planning process in my mind’s eye, as if I were there...

“Now Gideon, old thing, when all this bites there’s going to be the most frightful stink. What can we do to distract the masses?”

“What about a royal wedding David, erm, I mean prime minister. You know how the terminally sloppy can easily be distracted by a handsome young man in uniform and a beautiful bride in white with loads of kings and queens and trumpets, plus we’ll all be invited... How jolly."

“Spot on Gids old bean. I mean it worked for Mrs Thatcher when she hitched Charles to Diana. Just the job. Best it were done soon anyway; he’s starting to look like his uncle Edward. And we can give the proles a day off work. Industry will kick off a bit but we can hint at a few knighthoods and that will shut them up. Splendid fellow, Gideon. I knew you’d come in useful one day.”

So, I suppose it was not terribly surprising that Cameron ventured “up north” to Manchester, (18 hours south of here by Virginrail, but up north to those who count anyways) to promote the wedding.

Yes, the UK prime minister was promoting the wedding (good use of his time) and telling people who were having trouble with planning permission that “families should ignore the bureaucracy and push on with their celebrations”. (Only “families” note, so if you're single, beware!)

He is apparently angry that some local authorities have created obstacles limiting the “fun” on the bank holiday. This is the reason, he thinks, that relatively few parties have been organised so far. (On the other hand it could be that few can afford them, or that few care, or that local authorities don't have the money).

Cameron is holding a party in Downing Street on the day of the wedding, so that should be jolly... all the neighbours can come and have jolly fun... imagine how much fun that will be. Lots of "jolly" and lots of "fun". Golly Gosh!

A “senior source” (makes it sound like elderly bottled water) said: “What we are basically saying is ignore your council if they try to put you off.

The only permission you need is to close the road and then you can have your party.

OK, so apart from the dodgy grammar, which we might have expected to avoid given the expensive education that ''senior sources'' have undoubtedly had, it appears that the advice Downing Street is giving to people is that, as long as there can be a road closure, ignore anything else.

Never mind that the neighbours don’t want it; never mind the hazards or the noise or rubbish or anything else. Just defy the local authority, party and most of all, forget the tax rises.

Ewwwww dangerous ground Mr Cameron....Who is it that cleans up the mess and takes all the rubbish away? Ah yes.

NB. If you live in Scotland, before you decide to take him at his word and break the law, it might be well to remember that Mr Cameron’s remit does not extend to undermining the police or local authorities in this country.

SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING BORROWED, SOMETHING....ER.... REDHEADED?

"The fairy-tale romantic union of all the centuries. 29th April 2011”, may be exaggerating the importance of THE wedding that we are all being bombarded with, but that is how Guandong Enterprises advertises their commemorative “Made in China Royal Wedding Souvenir” mug.

The company's website says that it is : "A beautiful cup to commemorate the most beautiful occasion. Crafted in the finest bone china, it features an exquisite design of the happy couple with ornate gold detailing to honour this great moment in history. Please be our guests to own this esteemed, limited edition heirloom to celebrate with your work associates, friends, family and loved ones."

Ye gads... and that was produced in a Communist state!

But from what I can see, it’s more a fairy story than a fairy tale, because the pictures on the mug are Kate Middleton and Harry Wales.

Now I realise that there is a certain amount of passing around of suitable breeding stock in the upper crust of English society. Indeed when the prince that May of Teck came to Britain to marry in the early part of the 20th century, died, she was simply allocated the next one down. Either they were determined to have her as queen, or she was determined to be queen, no matter what!

But I can’t help but wonder if Kate just looked at Willie’s balding pate and though to herself that, although when she chummed up with him at first he seemed to have a lot of his mother’s looks, as time goes on he looks less and less like her and more and more like his father. And that has to be bad news. However Harry looks nothing at all like any of the Windsors!! As such he would probably be a far better bet.

Or maybe it just that, when it comes to westerners, we all look the same to them...

Pics: (1) The ‘offending’ mug, which is now of course worth a great deal more than the ticket price!! (2) Before and (3) after. Kate’s not getting all that she signed up for in the hair department. (4) He looks more like his father every day...and he seems to like a drink like his Auntie Margaret!. (5) His father back in the day. It’s just as well he had "the books", for he sure didn't have "the looks"!

SOMEONE IS HAPPY THE TORIES ARE IN POWER

The royals must be delighted to have the Tories in power for, while bad things are happening daily to people like us, it has been unmitigated joy at the House of Windsor’s house (if you get my meaning)...well I should say houses really, for there are many.

Yes, Dave has rained down (see that: clever use of rained/reigned) benefit after benefit on the family to which he is, I’m told, distantly related. But then, why not? After all, the story goes that when Dave decided that he wanted to be in politics, and the natural party for his sort was the Tories, they showed little interest in putting him forward for a seat. Well, they wouldn’t. Unlike most politicos, Wee Willie Hague for example, he had shown no interest in politics, or in the Tories, at Oxford. His politics, such as they were, were right wing, but they would be. I mean if you had his money wouldn’t you want to keep your hands on it?

Anyway, I ramble. The point is that the Tories weren’t interested in Davie, until one day the Tory chairman got a call from someone at the palace. No, not her, don’t be silly. It was one of her flunkies, but a top flunky it must have been for, lo and behold, the next thing is that Dave is an MP.

So it’s payback time Cammy. And the payback has been big. First the chancellor announced, hidden at the end of the budget, that the Civil List was to be scrapped and a new system of payment for royals initiated. Of course no one imagined that, in a budget so full of bad news for “ordinary” people, that this would mean a large pay rise for the Queen. Apparently Charlie, who is at the bottom of everything avaricious and profligate in the royal family has been writing to ministers for 20 years trying to get them to do this. All have resisted until Georgie who was a pushover and tent folded right away.

So next, it appears that “one” (Charlie) is fed up with one’s private business being known by all and sundry. So...letters, emails and documents relating to the monarch, Charlie and Willie will no longer be disclosed even if they are in the public interest. Yes, you read that right. Even if it is in the public interest!

Again this was tacked onto plans called (ironically) “opening up public bodies to public scrutiny". No one noticed its inclusion as “added protection" for the royals in the small print. You couldn’t make it up.

And now, when unions on the Tube have threatened a strike on April 29 when William and Kate are to be married, Dave’s spokesman has blamed the unions for undermining a day of national celebration. Celebration? What?

His rail minister said “most people” are looking forward celebrating the wedding. Again, what? Most people don’t care squat. I know not one single person who is interested.

Half the population doesn’t give a toss for a start. Guys may be appy to have a day off, but after that....pfffffffff?
And do women want to spend the day gazing at what other women, with a million times (literally) more to spend on clothes, are wearing. Dave is happy because it’s just before local government elections in England, which they want to win. Of course he’ll get a free feed at the palace afterwards.

So never mind all these people being thrown out of work, cold, hungry. We MUSTN’T have the royal wedding ruined... (like they will be using the Tube!!!)

Well, it's an ill wind......

Pic 1: “How awfully clever of you Charles, you doubled the money and the prols aren’t allowed to know how we spend it. Your father always said you’d come in useful for something if we kept you long enough. It's just a pity it took you 20 years to do.” Pic 2: “Sorry I’m late ma’am, the damned tubes are off.” Pic 3: “Ah yes, this is one’s garden; you paid for it, you stock it, you maintain it. Splendid, isn’t it? Take a good look; you’ll not see it again.” Pic 4: The Tent Folder General, hiding with a friend.

ELECTIONS AND REFERENDUM? WHAT ELECTIONS AND REFERENDUM?

When I heard that Wills and Kate were to marry so soon after the coalition took power, I was reminded that Charles and Di did just the same thing the last time that the Tories were doing nasty things to us.

It is, as it was 30 years ago, a way of distracting attention; it’s a way of promoting the ‘feel good’ factor among vast numbers of the population. And of course, for those of us that don’t give stuff about weddings of rich kids with mediaeval titles, there is the advantage of a bank holiday, which according to the BBC reporter was announced in ‘Britain and Wales and Northern Ireland’. (That may just give us an insight into the thinking of the BBC.)

(Public Holidays in Scotland are a matter for the Scottish Government in conjunction with the Queen, and the Government’s proposals to the Scottish Parliament are expected shortly.)

But in choosing the week before the Scotland’s General Election, and of course the UK wide referendum, is William being used by the Prime Minister to divert attention away from an extremely important decision on the future of voting in the UK and of course the choosing of the government of our country.

It is widely reported that William and Kate have made all the decision themselves and they haven’t allowed anyone to interfere, but we all know that that is simply not true.

These events have to be coordinated by the Government, the Palace, the Church, the Commonwealth, the Security Services. The invitations have to be at least vetted by the Foreign Office. No one of importance must be left out. Pecking orders, seating in the abbey and at table, where people will be billeting. All has to be co-ordinated by the Duke of Norfolk, Earl Marshall of England and the Marquess of Cholmondley, the Lord Great Chamberlain and their thousands of staff.

In any case they are protesting far too loudly that it’s all been the couple’s decision.

Blanket tv and newspaper coverage from now until the event will mean that there will only be days left for politicians to get their message across the UK for the referendum... and of course our own General Election campaigning will doubtless be relegated to the bottom of page 17 in what passes for newspapers in Scotland.

Events such as royal weddings have the effect, at least on some people, of encouraging a flag waving national pride. A contentment with the good old ways; the fine old traditions of fair play and first past the post... maybe... uh Dave?

The Scottish General Election (and indeed the Welsh and Irish elections) will be demoted to an event of secondary importance, which of course to the Tories, not expecting to win them, they are. Local elections in England, where it is possible the Tories and their little helpers will suffer large losses, will be quietly forgotten while the papers report on tales from the honeymoon.

The Respect Agenda takes yet another dive out of the window... and David Cameron has stuck it to Nick Clegg, yet again.

But never mind Nick. AV wasn’t worth having anyway (you said so yourself), because it’s not PR, and in any case you still have your title and the car. Enjoy them while you can.

MARRIAGES ARE MADE IN HEAVEN..

Or at least, that's what they say.

(Not that I see much evidence for it I have to say, but that’s another matter. )

But this one has surely been made in David Cameron’s little bit of heaven for there is nothing like a wedding to cheer people up and nothing like a royal wedding to cheer up the masses.

It won’t of course do much for me, but many, if not most, people will forget how awful everything is and they will feel very British and there will be loads of Union flags flying and at least for a while all will be well with the world...

It’s already had the undoubted plus of pushing off the front page and away for the kind of rage that we would have expected from the rags that Cameron has authorised the payment of millions to prisoners in Guantanamo, as compensation for our Secret Services being complicit in their torture, despite the fact that at least some of them have been released without any charge. State kidnap and torture, but Prince Wills and Kate have managed to push it into the “also happened today” bit of the paper.

Likewise the fact that (English) legal aid is going to be drastically reduced, with the possibility that, at least in some matters, redress to law will become the preserve of the rich. (The upside is that there will be a lot of lawyers who have been living off the fat of the land, who’ll have to go take on proper work now.) You might have expected that to come in for some stick, at least in the Labour supporting papers.

Between now and next year, when it is expected that the wedding will be held, there will be millions of words written for the media about dresses, menus, hymns, who’ll be best man and flower girls and, what the Queen will wear, where they will go on honeymoon.... and who will be coming to the huge bash that will have to be held, doubtless distracting us from the financial problems to come. Cameron will probably be hoping that no one will ask how much it will cost.

One can’t help but draw comparisons with the wedding of Charlie to Diana, which at least partially distracted the masses from the discomfort of the Thatcher revolution of the early 80s.

I can honestly say that I wish them a happier time together than the bungled mess that that was, whoever was behind it.