JUST IGNORE THE AUTHORITIES: HAVE A PARTY

The minute that the wedding of William and Kate Middleton was announced to be taking place around the time that the de facto income tax increase and reduction in tax credits would be felt in pay packets “up and down the country” (why is it always “up and down, why not “down and up” which is what it would be if you lived “up north”?), I suspected that this was a cunning plan to distract the distractible from the start of the painful truth that “things are only getting...erm.... worse”.

I can see the planning process in my mind’s eye, as if I were there...

“Now Gideon, old thing, when all this bites there’s going to be the most frightful stink. What can we do to distract the masses?”

“What about a royal wedding David, erm, I mean prime minister. You know how the terminally sloppy can easily be distracted by a handsome young man in uniform and a beautiful bride in white with loads of kings and queens and trumpets, plus we’ll all be invited... How jolly."

“Spot on Gids old bean. I mean it worked for Mrs Thatcher when she hitched Charles to Diana. Just the job. Best it were done soon anyway; he’s starting to look like his uncle Edward. And we can give the proles a day off work. Industry will kick off a bit but we can hint at a few knighthoods and that will shut them up. Splendid fellow, Gideon. I knew you’d come in useful one day.”

So, I suppose it was not terribly surprising that Cameron ventured “up north” to Manchester, (18 hours south of here by Virginrail, but up north to those who count anyways) to promote the wedding.

Yes, the UK prime minister was promoting the wedding (good use of his time) and telling people who were having trouble with planning permission that “families should ignore the bureaucracy and push on with their celebrations”. (Only “families” note, so if you're single, beware!)

He is apparently angry that some local authorities have created obstacles limiting the “fun” on the bank holiday. This is the reason, he thinks, that relatively few parties have been organised so far. (On the other hand it could be that few can afford them, or that few care, or that local authorities don't have the money).

Cameron is holding a party in Downing Street on the day of the wedding, so that should be jolly... all the neighbours can come and have jolly fun... imagine how much fun that will be. Lots of "jolly" and lots of "fun". Golly Gosh!

A “senior source” (makes it sound like elderly bottled water) said: “What we are basically saying is ignore your council if they try to put you off.

The only permission you need is to close the road and then you can have your party.

OK, so apart from the dodgy grammar, which we might have expected to avoid given the expensive education that ''senior sources'' have undoubtedly had, it appears that the advice Downing Street is giving to people is that, as long as there can be a road closure, ignore anything else.

Never mind that the neighbours don’t want it; never mind the hazards or the noise or rubbish or anything else. Just defy the local authority, party and most of all, forget the tax rises.

Ewwwww dangerous ground Mr Cameron....Who is it that cleans up the mess and takes all the rubbish away? Ah yes.

NB. If you live in Scotland, before you decide to take him at his word and break the law, it might be well to remember that Mr Cameron’s remit does not extend to undermining the police or local authorities in this country.

ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND IT GOES; WHERE IT STOPS NOBODY KNOWS

I was listening to the news today with growing incredulity.

Early on I heard that councils throughout the UK were expected to make big savings over the next 5 years. A survey, carried out by the BBC and concentrating mainly on England (surprise) but also having effects in the Celtic countries, showed that most councils expected to lose large numbers of jobs, and could expect to see severe reductions in services.

The first cuts will affect the least essential, but still important services like leisure, parks, swimming baths, libraries, etc., but old people’s accommodations and social services cuts cannot be ruled out as time goes on. Birmingham in England, the second largest local authority in the UK expects to lose 2000 jobs, and cannot realistically expect to do this with voluntary redundancies and recruitment freezes.

I was reflecting that at least locally, libraries play a vital part in the lives of some of the poorer people in the city. They provide facilities for those who have no internet access at home. Kids who need to use the net to access information for school projects, unemployed people looking for work, older people who can’t afford computers and wouldn’t know how to set them up use the facilities of libraries throughout the town. They host reading groups for young children and facilities for people with learning difficulties; they run courses more easily accessible and less daunting than the college or the universities. And for some it is a warm place to sit on a cold day. And imagine closing down swimming baths, or reducing access to them, just as we were being told that the Olympics in London were going to be of immense benefit to us all; likewise all the other sporting facilities provided by the local parks department and the community centres.

As I reflected I thought about why we are in this recession. Of course (sorry Danny) it’s all America’s fault... according to Brown, but I have a recollection of Northern Rock having a loan book that even a Glasgow moneylender with access to leg breaking equipment wouldn’t touch. And I remember that RBS was up there lending to people who hadn’t a hope in hell of paying the money back, and who would make restitution to the bank only on the sale of their now much more expensive property....until, woops, the property bubble burst. So no, it was our bankers as much as it was theirs.... Much of this mess is down to bankers and financial institutions.

So I’m betting you can imagine how I was feeling tonight when I noticed that a certain Mr Gulliver of HSBC was awarded a £9 million bonus on top of his £800,000 base pay for “exceptional performance" in trebling the profits of his division to $10.5 billion.

OK this is an extreme case and HSBC didn’t take money from the government, but all over the banking sector, it’s back to business, like all this silliness of the last few years never happened. Last week, Stephen Hester, chief executive of RBS gave up his bonus but the state-owned bank revealed it paid at least two of its bankers more than £7 million in 2009.

It’s another of these moments when you ask yourself.... is this a dream? They were greedy; they got into a mess; we bailed them out; because we have bailed them out we don’t have any money and we have to do without basics; and they got greedy again.....

OK. I know it’s not quite that simple, but it’s not far off....

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