DAVE CAME BACK TO SCOTLAND AND DID US PROUD BY TALKING PATRONISING RUBBISH

The Highlight of the Conference, you might have thought, but with all these empty sets is it possible that  Vera Lynn was doing a tour of Scotland and fetched up in Stirling on the same day as Dave?

Eton Boy Cameron used his speech to the Scottish area conference to make the case for the Union, defending welfare reforms, and saying that Tories should be "proud that we're the party making the bold case on welfare".

Leaders, speaking to their faithful have a duty to tell them what they want to hear, but they should remember that what they say is heard outside the conference hall and temper the rhetoric accordingly. I mean you can go too far...

Dave The Toff said that there was no turning back on austerity, (mystifying us with the line: “The UK is not only stronger together but is also richer together”.  It must be an Eton Oxford thing. I’m just not seeing it).

"But” he went on, “the argument about the future has to be won where it really counts: in the heart as well as in the head.

"Let's show that our case stacks up on paper. But let's also make sure it resonates with people too. Win in the head, and win in the heart. (This should be good.)

“This is about the future of our island; the next chapter in our story (Queue "Land of Hope and Glory playing in the background). "

"There is simply no challenge we face today where breaking up Britain is the right answer. (Well, none YOU face Dave, but then, you are you; and we are us and betwixt there is this almighty chasm.) 

"Scotland should remain part of a dynamic, enterprising, prosperous, compassionate Britain. (Where's that then? I don't recognise any of these words as suitable adjectives for Britain.)

"The UK should be a country where we are cutting our deficit, not arguing about how to divide it up and where we are fixing welfare, not doubling the problem by splitting up (How would you double the problem by splitting the UK up? Not seeing the logic of that at all!). We should be pulling together, not pulling apart. (Bit of the old school song there, if you missed it "with our bodies between our knees"...eww err.)

"Together we're unbeatable. (No, we're not.) United we're unstoppable (Hmmm, you know that's not true). The case is unquestionable (Not so: I for one am questioning it...but I may not count for I didn't go to Oxford or Eton). Head, heart, body and soul, we will fight for our United Kingdom every step of the way." (OK, that was very passionate, now get nanny to wipe away your tear and get on with it.)

He trotted out his old faithful that appears to impress Tories: 12,000 people north of the border work in defence companies backed by a British defence budget that is the fourth largest in the world. (Of course that defence money could be used for other things... Oh no sorry. That's not what the White House wants to hear; and in any case many of them are working for a French company within that British defence budget.)

Strangely he told the faithful "If there's one thing we've learnt from the financial crisis: you can't have banks that are too big to fail. (I say strangely  because, although we have known about this for some time, nothing much has happened. Lloyds selling off a few branches is really not going to make them too large to fail.)

"The UK's history has always been one of shared endeavour with different countries, proud in our individual identities but working together for a common good." (No. It has very largely been about England, which is not unreasonable seeing as it is the biggest country. Many people used to talk about Russia when they meant the Soviet Union and no one had heard of The Kirghiz Soviet Socialist Republic.)

"We saw it when our soldiers fought together under one flag on the beaches of Normandy (in a war where our men and women fought alongside Indians, Australians, Americans Canadians, Free French, Polish, etc, etc, ad infinitum). We saw it when our doctors came together to build our NHS. (Only the English NHS is officially called the "National Health Service".  All of the services were founded in 1948, based on legislation passed in 1946, 1947 and 1948. NHS Wales was part of the same structure as England until it became independent in 1969. Scotland's was always quite separate. Each system operates independently, and is politically accountable to the relevant government: the Scottish Government, Welsh Government, the Northern Ireland Executive, and the UK Government which is responsible for England's NHS. ).

"We saw it in the scientific breakthroughs that we made together: from the television to penicillin. (Of course we never have worked in scientific co-operation with any other countries in the world and the minute independence is up and running our universities will cease all communications). 

"And we saw it last summer as athletes from around Britain, no matter where they were from, draped themselves in one flag." (Possibly this was because they wanted to,  and possibly it was because the Saltire and Welsh flags were banned from stadia.)

He asked: "With still so much more to come why wouldn't we want to face the future together?" (Erm, I really have run out of space, maybe you could try again to tell us why we would, when we pay more tax than the rest of the union and get less back; when recent academic research has shown how every part of the UK suffers in comparison to London, from which this government is now evicting the very poorest, and that the UK compares badly with almost every other developed country a host of issues). 

In defence of his social security reforms, his mission, he said, can be summed up in one sentence: "To turn our country around and give all our people the best chance of success." By throwing poor people for whom there are no jobs out of unsuitable homes for which there are no alternatives, because it wasn't economically viable to build homes for them and because controlling rents would hurt his rich friends. Nice one Dave.)

"It hasn't been easy, and it certainly hasn't always been popular (yeah, you can say that again! Ask Nick!). But our plan is working (Sorry? Did I hear that right?). In case anyone has any doubts, there will be no turning back.

"The welfare system is unaffordable (POSSIBLY BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO COLLECT TAX FROM YOUR RICH MATES) and compassion isn't measured by the size of the benefits you pay. No, it's about helping people get back on their feet if they possibly can." (And leaving them to die if they can't, presumably, because that is what you are doing you heartless bastard.)