THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING...OR NOT

Well, it's been a funny old weekend. We've been told by the Herald that Dave the Spiv Cameron has appealed to Vlad the Impaler Putin, for help to deal with Salmond. When asked for a comment of course Downing Street demurred.

Then we read that Scotland on Sunday (yes, it does still exist) had managed to get Downing Street to deny that they had contacted the Kremlin, and say that nor would they in the future.

Rumour has it that the Eton Spiv has entered into some agreement with the Spanish prime minister, who of course also faces losing face and a loss of income from its richest nation. This, by the way, would be the same Spanish prime minister who was threatened by the imperial power of a British gunboat if he didn't mind his Ps and Qs over Gibraltar.

I'd be worried if I were Gibraltarian. Even spoilt boys who went to Eton probably realise somewhere deep inside that they can't always have everything that they want, and that compromise occasionally has to be made. I wonder if our second hand arms salesman has traded one thing for another with their sleazebag government. Heaven knows Mariano Rajoy, and Spain in general, could do with some good news, what with corruption hanging over the government and one of the infantas of the king, not to mention the king himself at his lowest ever popularity being boo'd in the streets!

Dave might not want to lose Gibraltar, but how much more embarrassing (and expensive) would it be to lose Scotland (and that's all he'll be caring about)?

Then, of course, there has been the revelation that despite us being told over and over that British troops did nothing wrong, there may be senior ministers of the Labour government prosecuted for atrocities carried out by Britain in Iraq. Geoff (Buff) Hoon and Adam Ingram together with General Peter Wall are accused that they "knew or should have known" that men under their command were committing war crimes. Based on the theory that "the buck stops here", should not Tony Blair and the Commander in Chief not also be in the dock?

Don't worry though, Labour and the Tories may be deadly enemies, but when push comes to shove, crooks usually stick together. Wee Willie Hague is fighting this with all his erm, might!

No more foreign aid till Nick Griffin's debts are paid off

We have also seen posters for the Better Together's friends, the BNP, saying that there should be no more foreign aid while pensioners are cold and hungry in UKokland. It is commendable that a right wing party has even noticed that the old and the poor are being maltreated, but isn't it typical that they would do other poor people out of comfort, before they would demand that the bankers pay back the money they stole; the house of lords be abandoned, and the royals made to live in just ONE massive palace in London instead of 5? Yet more proof that the Tories control Better Together!

And dear old Gordon Brown, proving that that doctorate he got on the Labour Party history, was, erm patchy, says that after a No vote, the Health Service should be devolved to Scotland.  Hmmm. The health service is one of the few things that has never NOT been devolved Gordo. Try to keep up. (That's the problem with only occasionally visiting the UK; you tend to forget how things actually work here).

Oh dear

Of course there was, earlier in the week, that hilarious story about our Spiv turning out for a photo opportunity with someone who had benefited from the Help to Buy scheme. There was Dave, we imagined, pretending to be all warm and friendly with this poor working mother in her joy at finally being able to get her foot on the housing ladder thanks to the beneficence of the British Conservatives. Pity that it turned out that Dave's struggling single mum was in fact a BMW driving, estate agent! Who employs their spin doctors?

If that wasn't enough, it was revealed that Dave gave his own hairdresser an MBE (the award that they give to cleaners, according to the late Michael Winner, who was offered and refuse it as being beneath his dignity). Still no such immodesty for Dave's £90 a snip barber.

The funniest tweet I've seen all week was this corker from someone who may be slightly delusional, or at least in denial about the debates that Ms Sturgeon has been involved in, but also seems to have a lamentable lack of knowledge about Scottish and British history.

I thought you might like some of these photos too:

Quick, call Vlad; get that submarine back...

UKOK alright!

You could try the Chinese; they are very close to Eck...
 trouble is they don't like you

Too late: Eck got there first as well...

Look what happens when you can't give an MBE to your hairdresser...

Yep... like a lot of things you never thought would happen...

Patricia the door opener to whom doors may yet be closed

Lobbydog’s blog picked up on the fact that his readers have been writing to say that Patricia Hewitt should not be rewarded by being invited to take a seat on any more boards of directors.

The latest to be considering her for a directorship is Eurotunnel. I said the other day on this blog that, if she gets her directorship then I will never use Eurotunnel again.

It appears that The Independent has also reported on this subject that a growing band of people have said that they will blacklist companies of which this woman is a director.

Brilliant!

I doubt in truth if there is much that she can offer a company now. She has been suspended from the Labour Party in disgrace. She is standing down from parliament and hasn't the remotest chance of a peerage. She's a figure of fun because of her daft coup attempt with that other trougher Hoon the Horrible, not to mention her gullibility for falling for the sting operation set up by the Sunday Times/Despatches team. She is unlikely to be able to wield any influence with government or with senior civil servants. She is persona non grata. To be seen with her, or having to do with her may tar one with the same brush.... dangerous.

I wouldn't touch her with a tarry pole. It's only a matter of time before the greedy old fool will get caught out with some more horribly misjudged actions.... you know, like the coup that couldn't even topple Gordon Brown.... lol .... eejit!

I imagine the only way that this woman could open any doors would be if they gave her a job as a doorman, err woman... err person on the Eurostar. (Sorry Harriet.)

Can you imagine "The next train is leaving for Paris from platform 3 ... Le prochain train part pour Paris du quai numéro 3", said in that mock Thatcherite voice?

YOU COULDN'T INVENT THIS MAN IF YOU TRIED

Sorry if I seem to be going on and on about Geoff Hoon (and the rest of the sorry assed bunch of losers that constitute the Labour Party) but I really just can’t get over what a complete balloon (yeah, it rhymes too) the man is.

He was stupid enough to give an interview to the Today programme this morning. Amazingly the BBC saw fit to give him the coveted 8.10am spot with the star interviewer. (For anyone reading who doesn’t listen to the Today programme [Radio 4], the interview right after the 8 o’clock news is considered to be the most important of the day, when most people are listening, and is much sought after by politicians wanting their message to reach the largest number of ears.)

Well, I don’t know what he thought he would achieve by this, but whatever it was, he certainly didn’t in my house.

He apologised for "showing-off" to an undercover journalist over his political influence, and admitted, "I certainly got it wrong. I should've known better”. He then went on to justify that behaviour, arguing: "Most people faced with a situation where they know they are leaving a job, working their notice, would think about their future. The skills, the experience of a member of parliament are not readily translatable into other walks of life." {Skills?????}

He repeated this matra over and over again. He had to think of his future. He needed to ensure that he had employment. Most people would think it was reasonable, indeed sensible to be looking for work. His pension wouldn’t kick in for many years. (When do they get their pension; at 80?)

He continued: "I accept that in the course of that conversation I said a number of things that because I thought I was engaged in what was an informal chat - wasn't leading to any particular position.”

Interviewer James Naughtie was particularly amusing when Hoon protested that he didn’t want to be a Lobbyist. Naughtie responded: “No, you seemed to suggest you were a bit above that.”

Naughtie, never one to miss the opportunity of knocking a politician when he’s made a fool of himself, dragged up the matter of Hoon’s attempt with Hewitt to topple the prime minister in a coup which had fizzled out before it was launched. The journalist asked if he had believed that he had the support of cabinet ministers, and Hoon in true politician style dodged and dived. But for any of the public who might have forgotten that farce, it was all brought back to life.

If Hoon is looking for a job, what he was doing was a very public, very bad interview. The message was: I’m a tube; I run off at the mouth and show off; I promise stuff I can’t deliver: I am a liar. Geez a joab!

As a post script, I heard that Pat Hewitt is being considered for a job on the board of the Channel Tunnel. Now I’d have said that that poor tunnel has more than its fair share of bad luck in the past, and that Pat Hewitt is a further piece of misfortune that it could well do without, but I’d like to add that if she ever becomes a director, I for one, will never travel on its trains again.

Pictured: Buffoon Balloon Prune Goon Hoon and the lovely Patricia Hewitt, the train drivers amie! The cover of Hoon's CV.

BUFF HOON THE GOON GETS THE BOOT FROM NATO COMMITTEE

Well, poor old Geoff Hoon has cooked his goose well and truly this time.

It seems that he has been dismissed from a high level group of NATO personnel chaired by ex-Secretary of State Madeline Albright and tasked with studying new strategic concepts for the alliance (whatever that may be, and indeed whatever use he would have been to them).

He was caught on camera for a Channel Four Despatches programme bragging that a recent tax-payer funded trip to Washington DC, had involved “three days work for NATO followed by ‘a couple of days of Hoon work’”. He shouted his mouth off about the role that “provided him with commercially lucrative insights which could be useful to the arms industry”. He now wanted to turn his contacts and into “something that, bluntly, makes money”. Nice one Buster, we pay for you to go there (first class, I have no doubt, and pay for your hotel and food and you spend the time working for your greedy little self to make money in the arms trade. What kind of pond life are you?)

Anyway, his butt must be well sore because as a result of this piece of bragging to a young female journalist posing as a businesswoman, he has been tossed out of the Labour party and had his ass sacked from the NATO job that he was getting all these contacts from.

As my dear friend Spook would have said if he were writing this.....”wee shame”.

It appears that Anders Fogh Rasmussen, the secretary-general of NATO, asked him to leave when Gordon Brown made clear that he did not wish the former chief whip to remain a member of the committee.

So there you go you wee tube....... That’s what you get for trying to impress the ladies that despite your thinning hair, double chin and lined face you are still a force to be reckoned with. A word to the wise..... It’s probably best to remember that if a young lady is showing interest in you of any sort at all, there’s probably an ulterior motive, so watch out for the hidden camera, and mic, and keep your silly fat gob shut.

To think we once entrusted the lives of our troops to this fool.


Pictured: NATO summit and The Right Dishonourable Geoff Hoon, MP

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JUST WHEN THEY THOUGHT THE STRIKE WOULD FILL THE FRONT PAGES......

It seems that when Mohamed al-Fayed claimed some years ago that you can hire an MP like you can hire a taxi, he was right.

Stephen Byers, along with some names you might expect to be connected with anything dodgy, Pat Hewitt, Geoff Hoon and dear Margaret ‘Dry Rot’ Moran, (I’m going to sue...erm.... or pay the money back).

The investigator, an undercover reporter for the “Sunday Times” and “Despatches”, posed as a company executive looking to hire MPs for lobbying work. Byers, a former minister, allegedly described himself as “like a sort of cab for hire” for up to £5,000 a day (expensive cab!).

Hewitt claimed she was paid £3,000 a day to help a client obtain a key seat on a Government advisory group, while Hoon said that he had contacts that he could use to make money. He too charged £3,000 a day.

Moran, the disgraced Luton MP , surprisingly not in the dock with the other Labour Party MPs boasted of a “girls gang” of colleagues to help clients, including Jacqui ‘the dodgy lodger’ Smith, Hazel ‘this is my cheque’ Blears, and, wait for it, no lesser a person than Harry ‘you know where to find me’ Harman.

Byers allegedly said he had a deal with His Lordship Adonis, on behalf of National Express, which he said wanted to dump the East Coast rail franchise which was making a loss, without having to pay up in penalties. The deal supposedly was that Adonis would criticise National Express publicly but terms would be agreed which favoured the company. The decision to terminate the franchise last year left the taxpayer hundreds of millions of pounds in the red. Thanks Byers! Byers also boasted he could and did use his friendship with Peter Mandelson, along with his ability to get information from Number 10.

It is alleged, although denied by the company, that he lobbied Mandleson on behalf of Tescos to have food labelling regulations altered and they were. Needless to say after the allegations became public Byers said that he had been exaggerating what he could do...... Adonis and National Express also denied the allegations and Mandy had "no recollection" of talking to Byers about the issue. I’ve heard that one before! (He thinks he’s Ronnie Regan .... the hair dye and the astrologer are just around the corner.)

Hewitt claimed that she was offering to do the work only after she left the Commons, although that’s not how it looks to me. Nauseatingly she said: “I am always willing to give advice to companies who have something positive to offer our country,” as she wiped her eye on the corner of her union jack hankie. Pass me the sick bag.

Hoon’s lawyer said his comments had been misrepresented. How exactly you can misrepresent... looking to turn his knowledge and contacts into “something that frankly makes money” , I don't know. It all sounds pretty clear to me.

Of course the ever delightful Moran warbled something about 'hypothetical discussions about the future’ and ‘an attempt to rebuild my life.’ But nobody takes her very seriously any more. (Like the type colour...? It matches her hat.) (It is a hat, isn't it?)

But the allegations are serious, implicating, as they do, people still in ‘power’, and not just the headlined has-beens. Perhaps the most serious is Moran’s allegations that Harman is or was part of her “contacts”.

And they ask why people aren’t interested in politics and don’t vote.... Pfffffffffffffffff.


Pictured: Stephen, trying to ward off the collapse of what was left of his reputation; the lovely Pat and the even lovelier Geoff pictured "together" because, I imagine, of their last venture into the disreputable as a twosome; and finally a big fat orange thing that I thought would look amusing on the page... you know... a joke.

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