THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING...OR NOT

Well, it's been a funny old weekend. We've been told by the Herald that Dave the Spiv Cameron has appealed to Vlad the Impaler Putin, for help to deal with Salmond. When asked for a comment of course Downing Street demurred.

Then we read that Scotland on Sunday (yes, it does still exist) had managed to get Downing Street to deny that they had contacted the Kremlin, and say that nor would they in the future.

Rumour has it that the Eton Spiv has entered into some agreement with the Spanish prime minister, who of course also faces losing face and a loss of income from its richest nation. This, by the way, would be the same Spanish prime minister who was threatened by the imperial power of a British gunboat if he didn't mind his Ps and Qs over Gibraltar.

I'd be worried if I were Gibraltarian. Even spoilt boys who went to Eton probably realise somewhere deep inside that they can't always have everything that they want, and that compromise occasionally has to be made. I wonder if our second hand arms salesman has traded one thing for another with their sleazebag government. Heaven knows Mariano Rajoy, and Spain in general, could do with some good news, what with corruption hanging over the government and one of the infantas of the king, not to mention the king himself at his lowest ever popularity being boo'd in the streets!

Dave might not want to lose Gibraltar, but how much more embarrassing (and expensive) would it be to lose Scotland (and that's all he'll be caring about)?

Then, of course, there has been the revelation that despite us being told over and over that British troops did nothing wrong, there may be senior ministers of the Labour government prosecuted for atrocities carried out by Britain in Iraq. Geoff (Buff) Hoon and Adam Ingram together with General Peter Wall are accused that they "knew or should have known" that men under their command were committing war crimes. Based on the theory that "the buck stops here", should not Tony Blair and the Commander in Chief not also be in the dock?

Don't worry though, Labour and the Tories may be deadly enemies, but when push comes to shove, crooks usually stick together. Wee Willie Hague is fighting this with all his erm, might!

No more foreign aid till Nick Griffin's debts are paid off

We have also seen posters for the Better Together's friends, the BNP, saying that there should be no more foreign aid while pensioners are cold and hungry in UKokland. It is commendable that a right wing party has even noticed that the old and the poor are being maltreated, but isn't it typical that they would do other poor people out of comfort, before they would demand that the bankers pay back the money they stole; the house of lords be abandoned, and the royals made to live in just ONE massive palace in London instead of 5? Yet more proof that the Tories control Better Together!

And dear old Gordon Brown, proving that that doctorate he got on the Labour Party history, was, erm patchy, says that after a No vote, the Health Service should be devolved to Scotland.  Hmmm. The health service is one of the few things that has never NOT been devolved Gordo. Try to keep up. (That's the problem with only occasionally visiting the UK; you tend to forget how things actually work here).

Oh dear

Of course there was, earlier in the week, that hilarious story about our Spiv turning out for a photo opportunity with someone who had benefited from the Help to Buy scheme. There was Dave, we imagined, pretending to be all warm and friendly with this poor working mother in her joy at finally being able to get her foot on the housing ladder thanks to the beneficence of the British Conservatives. Pity that it turned out that Dave's struggling single mum was in fact a BMW driving, estate agent! Who employs their spin doctors?

If that wasn't enough, it was revealed that Dave gave his own hairdresser an MBE (the award that they give to cleaners, according to the late Michael Winner, who was offered and refuse it as being beneath his dignity). Still no such immodesty for Dave's £90 a snip barber.

The funniest tweet I've seen all week was this corker from someone who may be slightly delusional, or at least in denial about the debates that Ms Sturgeon has been involved in, but also seems to have a lamentable lack of knowledge about Scottish and British history.

I thought you might like some of these photos too:

Quick, call Vlad; get that submarine back...

UKOK alright!

You could try the Chinese; they are very close to Eck...
 trouble is they don't like you

Too late: Eck got there first as well...

Look what happens when you can't give an MBE to your hairdresser...

Yep... like a lot of things you never thought would happen...

SNAPS ON SUNDAY

Like most of this prat's policies; not thought through.

But it's OK, because WE have nuclear weapons

You've been warned. Who's a pretty boy?

There are some actions that are beneath contempt, and here's your man who'll be behind a good number of them. Seriously, the kind of man who would seel his own granny

Well duh, guys...

Anyone want to buy my granny...going cheap

Spivvy  thicko

Cheap as chips is old Nick

Point to just one of them that has something between their ears

The UK figure includes the Scottish figure, so they are probably even worse off that the table suggests

Sometimes you just have to be rude, especially when it's Mr Pointless that makes the "point"

White van man. 

Better Together my arse. 

Tories...don't you just love them?

The best is yet to come...

Well, you lied about everything else, you dick

True though... how do we get rid of the Tories?

And all our mates in the Lords have made lots of money; then there will be plenty of part time directorships just that Huhne got, at fat salaries. Oh yipee, it's fun to be in government.

Well, yeah, to you it is... not so hand for us though

Michael Moore. I liked him better when he was fatter and made great movies about neo cons instead of being one

Of course you do Dave, then you can sell off the practises cheap to your spivvy mates.

Well duh, because, unlike Kate Middleton or mrs Parker Bowles, you don't have blue bloody. Jeeez, it's not hard. Concentrate.

UKOK. Never was a logo more appropriate. Off Topic. Does anyone know what happened to Blether Together?

White Van Man again.  Going back to the original white van, did it not occur to Mrs May that she is the Home Secretary. She should round up illegal immigrants and deport them if she wants them gone. Not put a van round the streets with a message saying "please go home". 

As always, click on imagines to make them readable.

TO FIND A HAPPY STORY TRIS SEARCHES THE WORLD

I looked back over the last few posts and realized that they were singularly depressing. Of course there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a reflection of how things are in the UK right now.

But having promised Monty that I would look for something a bit more cheerful, I was searching around through the tabloids. I went through the NOTW, Record and Star (I reckoned the broadsheets would be too serious) but apart from Jordan looking like a ridiculous old string bag in a lacy pink thing more suitable for a girl 1/2 of her age (her real age, not the 31 she seems to have been for the last decade or so), there was nothing.

No, I lie, I had a real laugh at William’s moan in the NOTW that he was “furious at being made to smooze (I presume that means creep) with two faced FIFA officials”, which I thought was hilarious seeing as we are all obliged to “smooze” with him and his family. Oh dear, the thought of that has just caused a wave of nausea.

Apart from that there was X Factor related material. Apparently there has been a SHOCK exit of Cher (whom I thought was a 70 something year old American singer with a face lift that involves her knees being around where her bosoms used to be, but no, once again I’m wrong). Anywho this new Cher (you’d think she could have found another name; it’s very confusing) has been snubbed by someone called Cheryl. So that was interesting wasn’t it? Wasn’t it? ...Oh OK.

I was surprised not to see Brucie on the front page ... I heard Ann Widdecombe got ditched from his show...so sad. But Peter André managed appear with yet another girl friend to make Jordan jealous, or is it the cage fighter that dresses up with women’s clothes... Another confusion. It’s really much more intellect sapping than The Spectator.

I did eventually find a happy story, however, in the Gibraltar Chronicle. It concerns a young lad called Carl Figueras who has had to have a liver transplant. He was apparently surprised last Wednesday when a ‘wish of a lifetime’ came true and he got to go to the Santiago Bernabéu stadium in Madrid to see Real Madrid play against Valencia.

Young Carl got to meet players from both teams including Ronaldo from Real Madrid (see pic) and his favourite player Casillas (goalkeeper). That’s odd; goalkeepers aren’t usually “favourites”... Oh well, another puzzle for me to worry about.

The visit was sponsored by Gibraltar charity, Wobbles. I love it when a kid, who should never have to go through anything like a liver transplant, has something really wonderful happen to them. Wobbles sound like a great charity.

I hope Carl continues to make a recovery and can soon go back to Madrid to see his team... hey, maybe even have a kick around with Ronaldo, and see if he can get one past Casillas...?

Right I think that that is a good news story. It’s a pity I had to go to Gibraltar to find it.

Pics: (1) Jordan. With smoothed out the wrinkles and a pink string bag. Looks dead natural too, don't it just? Apparently, at least according to the NOTW, that is sexy. Oh well, "à chacun son goût" as they say in Monaco. (2) Two normal young lads out or a stroll together. (3) Gibraltar: Funny wee place. I flew over on a day trip from Morocco once. Tiny, lots of apes and really funny money. (4) The happy lad Carl with enjoying his day. I hope you Google your name Carl and find this. Get well soon matey!