SNAPS ON SUNDAY

He should join the progressives on that bench.
He's so out of place in Labour.

Hold the front page. Jackie Baillie lied.

Pretty much sums up the London Government

Hi there Dave.
THIS is the BIG SOCIETY and we want a word with you.

"Man" might be a bit flattering in this case.
Well, OK, a lot flattering.

Remind me, why is he the secretary of state?
Oh yeah... Duh.

Back to their old tricks.
English Labour is hiring staff for Scottish Labour.
How fraternal.

Well, at least one part of their government listens.

Like that's gonna happen. Give up a seat in the big boys' club?
There'd be no point in being a politician unless you could shmoose Obama and be seen in the White House.
Talking of which...d'you remember how proud Dougie Alexander was
when he was there with Miliband. Awwww.

They have Michael. They just can't contemplate obscurity

Well, old boy, they're British. It's quite different from being foreign
don't you know. What!

 If you can't work that out you dumbass,
I'm not sure you should be let out alone.

Isn't that place falling down? Wouldn't it be dreadful if it slid into the Thames with all these fine people in it?

Thank goodness that these great minds are pouring over the legislation, picking out all the flawzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Just shows what a meritocracy the UK is though.
Even oinks like this long haired beardy rebel
can get his fat butt on a red bench
for being a greasy establishment lick-spittle .

Got it.
Move parliament to Buckingham Palace
and find a council house for the Windsors.

That pretty much sums it up.

So yeah, Francis, Scotland is on it.

Yep, of course you will, but no one believes anything you lot say
any more, so take your millions and sod off.

Thank goodness you're nothing to do with our policing. It's in enough of a mess without your interference.

YOU'D HAVE A JOB MAKING THIS STUFF UP

Nice to know our studios are being used equitably for the licence payers
regardless of their political views

And we'll get this Sun readers tweet plastered all over the papers
and a big fuss will be made about cyberbrits

Ah, how well I remember David Cameron lying about independence
 being a matter for the Scots alone. But then he asked Putin to get involved,
then the President, and quite possibly the next president.
Was it Tony Blair that got God to tell the Pope to speak out?
We must be a very important little country.

SNAPS ON SUNDAY

...VERY NEARLY

Gordon Foot-in-Mouth Brown

Want to explain either of these illustrations, Nigel?

There's a change afoot.

Well, I think I should start paying for the Sunday Herald
and stop paying for the BBC

So, who's for good and who's just plain evil?

Starting at the top and working all the way down

Some random thoughts that flitted through my mind....

On average, figures suggest that there are around 120 murders a year in Scotland. Why then have our newspapers and news channels been so full of one murder in Bristol? It is likely that, in the time that this has been being reported, 10 people have been killed in Scotland, and apart from the one at the bottom of my street, which I only heard about because I have very nosey neighbours, there’s been no mention of them. Strange!

Isn’t it wonderful what money and a title can do? His Nobleness Strathclyde, the Tory leader in the Lords, looks like something you would see in the ring at a cattle market. No one in their right minds would call him aesthetically appealing, and yet he managed to arrange a series of sexual liaisons with Brigit Cunningham, who is a bit dishy, even if she is 48. Of course she has been round the block a few times, but even so. Someone with Strathclyde’s looks would have, without £10 million found it difficult to pull a dead rhinoceros!

Richard Lochhead, our Cabinet Secretary for Rural Affairs and the Environment, is working hard to get America to lift a 40 year old import ban on Haggis. US import laws ban any product which contains sheep’s lungs (I didn’t know that!), but with the vast number of Americans who have Scottish ancestry, a huge market could open up for Haggis manufacturers if he is successful. Good work Richard. Another example of the government of Scotland working for Scotland.

Didn’t Her Nobilityness Warsi make a bit of a twerp of herself with her rant about Islamaphobia? She has embarrassed the government for the second time in a few days. Dave was forced to distance himself from the comments she made on dinner party conversations about Islam, and of course she put him in another difficult situation when she put the boot into the right wing of the Tory party for not making much of an effort in Oldham and Saddleworth. One of the pitfalls, perhaps, of appointing inept ministers because they tick boxes as representing a couple of minorities?

When Alex Salmond appointed his first cabinet in 2007, he reduced the number of Cabinet Minister (and therefore the cost thereof) to 6, including himself. By contrast the Labour shadow cabinet contains 10 members plus a parliamentary business manager and chief of staff, and a chief whip, who also attend shadow cabinets. Should Labour win the General Election in May, can we look forward to a doubling in the cost of the top level of government?

Gordon Brown apparently fears that journalists may have hacked his phone. The number of times it was flying across the room and smashing to pieces against a door, wall or fireplace, I should imagine no one much left him any messages. Who’d want to speak to him anyway? How incredibly dull that would have been.

Pope Benedict must lack an irony gene as he called upon the Italian government to show a strong moral example to the public following on the scandal of Sylvio Berlusconi and the underage prostitute. Who was it again that said “And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?” Oh yes, Jesus wasn’t it? Have you heard of him Papa?


Pics: Tubs to his friends (and lovers) Strathclyde, the answer to a maiden's prayer, specially a maiden that's short of a few bob. Richard Lochhead, our man down on the farm, being force fed carrots. Baroness Warsi two steps behind her beloved leader. A Nokia after Gordon discovered that Tony had beaten him to see Obama in the White House!

OK IT WASN'T THAT FUNNY, BUT IT WAS A JOKE

The “plot” against the life of the Pope turned out to be a bit of a damp squib... The men who were arrested and kept in prison over the weekend were allowed to go free Sunday morning as not a shred of evidence could be found against them.

No weapons were found in their homes; no explosive materials, no plans or recipes for bombs. Nothing.

It appears that they were working men having a joke in the canteen about the Pope and his expensive visit to the UK and someone suggested something that went a bit too far and everyone laughed. You know how it gets in the canteen...

Frankly given the record of the Church on the child abuse scandal and the fact that the Pope was the guy in charge of priests' discipline for years when it was happening, and that he allowed people to get away with it, I’m surprised that the visit went as well as it did.

Normally the one thing guaranteed to get people REALLY angry is child abuse. It can even get the normally apathetic to stir their stumps and take action. But apart from a few muted protests, nothing much was said about it. The Pope said he was sorry and it seems that that is enough for people. It wouldn’t be for me, but there you go.

So anyway, the plot was a joke in bad taste that got 6 blokes a weekend at Her Majesty's pleasure for nothing much more than I've heard around Dundee over the last few weeks. You’d have thought that London’s finest would have been able to distinguish between a joke in the canteen and a serious terrorist threat. Tessie May really should be looking at how effective these people are.

Mrs Cressida Dick wasn't in charge of the operation was she?

Pictures: The Home Secretary dressed for the office... surely not? Cressida the incompetent moron that organised or rather didn't organise the operation that led to the death of an innocent man because she couldn't find the room she was supposed to be in (and who was promoted as a result of it) Dick. And a small instruction manual which you may find useful if you travel to the English capital and are likely to come into contact with plod.

Don't you just wonder what planet some of these people live on?

WRONG RIGHTED...AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

Well... it came and it went and it cost a fortune.... and of course the Duke of Edinburgh put his big clumping foot in it...

“Hello Ms Goldie. Are you wearing tartan knickers?” said old Phil, betraying a lack of something in his upbringing.

Displaying, in her turn, good humour and quick wit, Annabel replied: “I cannot possibly comment and even if I had, I could not possibly exhibit them.”

Smart old bird is our Annabel. She knows when not to display her undergarments. And I for one am not buying certain reports that she winked saucily at the Duke as she said it...

It's a thought though, that if any other man had said that to any other woman, he would have had his collar felt, spent a night in the pokey out at Saughton, and got himself 5 years on the sex offenders’ register.

However the Duke had to make do with yet another headline proving that, even after all these years, when he is let off the bosses leash for a few seconds, he’s just a dirty old sailor at heart... and Ms Goldie is surely only grateful that he managed not to say it in front of the Pope.

Meanwhile another octogenarian linked "atheist extremism" throughout Europe to Nazism, which was rich coming from an ex Hitler Youth in the form of Pope Benedictus XVI. Remembering that, despite all the Masses he is conducting, this is a State visit, meaning that he is here as the King Pontiff of a small Mediterranean State and thus the visit should be about politics and not religion, that was not the most diplomatic of starts.

To be fair, the good Cardinal Kaspar managed to start it off badly before the poor old Pope had left Vatican City by likening England to a third world country. So, to parody the song, things could only get better.....

Well, this time they did. The Pope was fed haggis, neeps and tatties for lunch, Susan Boyle gave him a blast of her powerful pipes, and the sun shone for him....

Which was just as well as the poor man had to do all this with just his wee white skull cap.

Was it a case of “and then his hat blew off”?

No, I don’t think so. It seems that whist the Pope's motocade was heading down from the Palace, this wee wuman was spotted running hell for leather (if you'll pardon the phrase!) away from the procession clutching a red hat which matched perfectly her red shoes, gloves and bag, and shouting, “Efter a’ thay years.... it's back...it’s mine... IT’S MINE..... as she disappeared down Mary King’s Close.....

No one we know, I suppose!?

Pics: Philip of Edinburgh; Annabel looking cross; His Holiness avec ... and sans said hat.

..........