Munguin Towers Penthouse
April 25, 2015
Dear Food Banks
I'm sure that you will delighted to know that, as a result of yet another intervention from that ex-politician (although to be fair I suppose we should call him a double ex politician now), there is good news for people who are in danger of starving to death in what they tell us is the world's 8th largest economy.
Gordon Brown has promised that, should Labour be in a position of power after the General Election, he will personally ensure that each and every food bank in Scotland will receive the sum of £5,000.
This will be rather like, I suspect, he ensured devolution super max, home rule and the best devolved settlement of any country in the world last September. (Note to Tris. Find out how that went, will you?)
Mr Brown also says that if he or Jim Murphy had been in power (ah, if only) he would have dealt with the situation right away. He cannot understand why the SNP and the Conservatives haven't.
Gordon rides to the rescue, as ever. Having saved the world, from the ham fisted efforts of Darling; then having saved Better Together from the ham fisted efforts of... oh dear, Darling again, he will save the hungry of Scotland. At least that cannot be laid at the feet of Darling, can it?
Anyhow, your problems are over, Food Banks. Tell your normal donors that they can stand down for the foreseeable future... well, for a couple of days anyway.
Hunger, we can announce, is a thing of the past in this oil rich nation of ours. Just as it is in Norway.
Rejoice at that news.
(Note to Tris: Extend invitation to Brown to come and take tea with you to show our gratitude. I'm busy that day. Munguin.)
Dear Ruth Davidson,
I understand that the London Tories have come up with this poster which depicts Scots as thieves of British cash. The idea may have come when the English Tory leader suggested that he wouldn't trust Alex Salmond not to pinch his wallet.
Can you confirm to us at Munguin's Republic that you will not allow these distasteful posters to appear in our country and that you will speak to Mr Cameron about having them banned in his country too.
Can you please address your response to my PA, Tris.