Wednesday, 22 April 2015

JUST FOR A LAUGH

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife. 
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A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards." 
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Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you.

And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children.

And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" 
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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night.
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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong. 
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns 
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Santa Claus has the right idea ...
Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge 
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I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx 
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante 
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The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~ Zsa Gabor 

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine 
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Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain 
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Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan 
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What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman 
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Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith
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I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope
 
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A woman drove me to drink ...
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields 
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It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns 
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The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown 
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal
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9 comments:

  1. I enjoy a good joke and the auld ones are the best. Could not believe nobody had commented. Only one criticism, do not use turquoise ink again, very hard to read. Otherwise I had a good laugh, not that I have been crying anywhere, so much humour in our campaign.

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    Replies
    1. Point taken.... :)

      Delete
  2. Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the House of commons.

    One is from London, another is from Manchester, and the third is from Edinburgh.

    All three go with an official to examine the fence.

    The Manchester contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for my crew, and £100 profit for me."

    The Edinburgh contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £300 for my crew, and £100 profit for me."

    The London contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the official and whispers, "£2,700."

    The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

    The London contractor whispers back, "£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Edinburgh to fix the fence."

    "Done!" replies the government official.

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  3. One of my favourites.

    "a husband is a man from whom the nerve has been extracted"

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Here's some really, really bad ones..................

    What's red and lies at the side of a road?
    A bus.
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    What do you call two guys hanging onto a wall above a window?
    Kurt 'n' Rod.
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    What do you call the security guards employed by Samsung?
    Guardians of the Galaxy.
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    Pass me medication over......................

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What's brown and sticky?
      A stick.

      Delete
    2. LOl We'll have a Really bad jokes page one day!! OK?

      Delete