Saturday, 26 February 2011


I've had rather a busy weekend doing loads of stuff, so the posts have been a bit lazy, with a couple of jokey ones and borrowing a post from James... Sorry guys! Will do better, I promise.

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Lawyer: How old is your son that is living with you?
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
Witness: We both do.
Lawyer: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Lawyer: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.

Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.

Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: She said 'What disco am I at?'

Lawyer: Mr. Smith, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, Sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget things.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?


  1. LOL Tris, very funny! Now I'll add a famous one that is often attributed to Abraham Lincoln. It involves an incident in court when the young inexperienced lawyer asked one too many questions on cross examination.

    His client was accused of biting a man's ear off in a tavern brawl. The witness to the assault was on the stand being cross examined by Lincoln. Lincoln got him to admit that it had been was very crowded and noisy in the tavern. So Lincoln asked: "Can you say for certain, with all the noise and confusion going on, that you actually saw my client bite the ear off.
    Answer: "No"

    Lincoln should have stopped there. But he went on to ask: "Then how can you possibly be sure that my client bit off the ear?"
    Answer: "Because I saw him spit it out."

  2. A court in Ayrshire. The judge says "Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?" The accused mutters "Fuck all". The judge says to the Clerk of the Court "What did he say?" Clerk of the Court "Fuck all, my Lord". Judge "That's funny, I could have sworn he said something"!

  3. Danny, John... Thanks for your excellent contributions!

    Only in America, and Ayrshire, huh?

  4. LOL, Great stuff.

    I suppose in the case of the Lawyer's he/she can be a bit robotic on the questioning and just steam roll into asking the obvious.

    The Witnesses!! I rest my case lol

  5. I suspect that all those lawyers are labour voters!

    2hrs 25mins long video which I thought might be of interest.

  6. Allan, I wonder if lawyers get as bored asking the same dreary questions as teachers get teaching the same dreary lessons, doctors do of the same dreary complaints and salesmen of the same dreary customers...

    I expect the answer is yes. :)

  7. CH: I watched a bit of the video... I particularly liked the comedian going on about offense. But the bloke who was talking about the government being a corporation was a tad on the ennui inducing side.... lol