Tuesday, 19 February 2013


The awesome and hilarious Alan Bisset strikes again with some hilarious satire on the desperation of the No Campaign. (Lifted wholesale from National Collective, totally without permission. )
The Better Together campaign has launched its strongest defence of the Union yet, warning that an independent Scotland will no longer be allowed to call things ‘things’.
Speaking on the BBC’s Newsnight programme, Better Together’s Alistair Darling argued, ‘Alex Salmond is pursuing a separatist agenda into the unknown, which means Scots don’t have a clue what’s going to happen about defence, our status in the EU, or even what things are going to be called.’
Pressed by Gordon Brewer on this last point, Darling gestured towards the table in front of them.  ‘Well look, three hundred years of shared history in the Union means that everyone, from Lands End to John O’Groats, can agree that this is called a table.  But what’s it going to be called in an independent Scotland?  A ‘yorrok’?  A ‘mogrump’?  This glass of water could become a ‘deerg’ of ‘klot-juice’ for all we know.  It’s these very uncertainties which are worrying Scots about separatism.’
When the SNP’s John Swinney replied that a table will still be called a ‘table’ in an independent Scotland, he was challenged by the Conservatives’ Ruth Davidson.  ‘Have the SNP checked that with EU lawyers?  In Germany it’s called ‘einen Tisch’.  In Italy it’s ‘una tabella’.  In Spain it’s ‘una mesa’.  Does Alex Salmond seriously think the EU will just automatically allow him to keep on calling it a table?  What kind of independence is this anyway, when Scotland has to ask permission from Brussels to keep on calling things ‘things’?
The overwhelming legal evidence does indeed seem to bear out the Better Together campaign’s point.  When asked if a table is called in Italy ‘una tabella’ several top European lawyers were able to confirm that it is true.
‘It all adds up to another very bad day for the SNP,’ said Labour’s Margaret Curran.  ‘Scots will be appalled to know that they might no longer be able to communicate with their friends and family in the rest of the UK about simple things like tables or glasses of water.  Why break the thousands of strong, traditional links between our nations, of which this is just one?  It might mean, for example, that the next James Bond film is called in Scotland The Unicorn House Rowing Team Adventure or the Olympics renamed, ‘The Fud Games’!  Is that really what most Scots want?
Willie Rennie, of the Scottish Liberal Democrats, has backed up the claim.  ‘Alex Salmond thinks that, after independence, we can just wave a magic wand and things will still be called ‘things’.  He forgets the painstaking process we’ll have to go through.  There are over two million words in the dictionary.  European lawyers will have a field day going through all of them, one by one, in order to check that they can still be called by that name.  How much is that going to cost exactly?’
The offical response from the Yes campaign is that, ‘An independent Scotland fully intends for English to remain its first language.’  Darling, however, was quick to attack the SNP’s weak position here: ‘How could Salmond call Scotland independent when our ‘first language’ would be that of another country?  It’s preposterous.  The English language will remain with England, it’s as simple as that.  Fact is, we don’t know what language Scotland will be using because the SNP haven’t invented one yet.’
Editorial, p.7 – ‘Will Scotland one day be called Fred?’
Alan Bissett
Author, Performer and Playwright


  1. I will repost my comment here.

    I wlil slitl wtire and sepak in elsingh wehn we bomece ipendenndet

  2. LOL... Maybe Niko will too!

  3. It was a funny piece right enough. I thought the 'comments' from Ruth Davidson were damn close to reality lol

    That all said, I'm still needing to break this habit of calling this yonder place 'Tris Republic'... not even sure when this happened. I'd soon snap out of it if I received a sharp bitch-slap each time I mis-typed the name :P

  4. Aye Dean, sometimes they are funny enough to make satire redundant!

    Don't worry about calling it Tris' Republic.

    Little Munguin set the blog up and took early retirement at the age of 2!

  5. This is just fall-down funny. Right up there with the BBC Scotlandshire piece on the history professors' outrage about the possibility of 300 years of history being destroyed.

    It's a pity only independence supporters read these pieces, but this one certainly brightened up my day every time I read it!

  6. Rolfe:

    Yes, it is good. How I wish I could write like that!

    Dean's read it and he's utterly against independence for some unfathomable reason (only joking, Dean), and probably Niko will read it, and bless him, he's against independence (although his faithful dog will make him vote for it, so his vote is in the bag).

    I dare say they may be a few others who read it and don't comment... I hope so.

    Anyway, although I can't take any credit for it, I'm glad it's brightened your day. :) it did so for me too!

  7. well snp the ‘first language’ is easy to define its Salmondisms or in old money
    'Just a pack of lies


    Exit Servant
    Is this a Table which I see before me,
    The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
    I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.
    Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible
    To feeling as to sight? or art thou but
    A dagger of the mind, a false creation.
    a ‘yorrok’? a ‘mogrump’?

  8. Someone shall need to tell me what either a 'yorrok' or a 'mogrump' is...

    1. Try google or didn't you learn that in your state funded education!

  9. Deano

    do you actually read Tris polemics before launching yourself
    in fury upon them.

  10. Dean:

    Clearly a yorrok is a kind of birstel and a mogrum is a super powered burmestrick.

    Hope that was helpful :)

  11. Alas poor yorrock, I kent him weel, Niko.

    I always knew there was a bit of a Shaken Spear about you, or was it Shakin' Stevens... Oh, one of these...


  12. Just for a laugh

    Oscar Pistorius why would some one burglar his house
    late at night just to have a shower???

    1. Reading your posts are enough side splitting for one day.

  13. Hmmmm...CH, waht fo?

    1. First and last letters have to be in place tris to make sense.

      Daen tikhns taht Luboar and Troy are not aahtoriioutran paitres sownhig his patilcoil irocgrnane in rateleiy wichh is why I qetoiusn his admeiac qalifuacition in pocitils

  14. I have to admit that I wondered that Niko. It's a bit like the very last room you would expect a burglar to be in... Now what can I pinch in the bathroom... shower gel, toilet paper, tooth paste piles ointment....?

    Also remember listening to his statement and thinking... you said your legs were off, and then a few sentenced later you said you kicked down the bathroom door.

    Mind you, I'm asking myself whey a murder in South Africa is making such headlines here. With the greatest respect to the dead woman, why is she any different for the dozens of others that were murdered that day in South Africa?

  15. Hilarious CH.... Love the picture of Trump. Imagine having that much money and hair like that? Amazing.

    Love the wee dug too...was that Ryan with him.

    Taz would have him for supper...

    1. Nah he would pinch the sausage first and then the puff pastry.

  16. Taz... a dog of taste!

    1. I don't know about that looking at who he associates with!

  17. Better Together Campaign Must Up Its Game

    So go ahead, campaigners, I invite you to persuade me, and millions of others who are eligible to vote, why we should agree with you. Why should I vote 'yes' or 'no'? Why should I back your campaign and not the other? The Better Together campaign in particular needs to engage and persuade the nation, or risk losing the referendum. This campaign needs to seriously up its game if a 'No' vote is to succeed.

  18. Well, they are not wrong there CH.

    You're too wee to have WMDs; you're too poor to deal with banking crises; you're too unimportant to be anything of consequence in the EU; you won't have the 4th largest military in the world...thus you won't be respected and feared all over the world, because you won't be able to kill any more people than say, Finland, and that's not much.

  19. Good to see my Glasgow Uni students voting NO! to separatism


    A sign of the inevitable Unionist victory.

    1. Did a poll here today with a 29% turnout the cat was too bothered eating and sleeping, the dog was dreaming, the hens didn't have time as they were scratching around and after the 2 votes cast it was 100% for independence.

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  21. LOL @ ch...

    Dean: you lot were telling us only last week that only 23% were voting for independence, so it looks like we've put on a hell of a load of support in one week.

  22. I never, I agreed with you that that survey was deficient and the realistic figure was probably more around 34%.

    Thus, this Glasgow Uni poll confirms the picture I suspected. Though I will admit at being pleasantly surprised at how high the No vote was in the end.

    Pretty big sample size, and worrying too - these are the SNPs beloved 'youth 16-23' year olds, voting in their droves for 'No' to separatism.

    1. Thus, this Glasgow Uni poll confirms the picture I suspected. Though I will admit at being pleasantly surprised at how high the No vote was in the end.

      And has as much creditability as the FSA regulation of the financial industry or the FSA regulation of the food industry, horse meat mince dressed as beef utter mince.

      Pretty big sample size, and worrying too - these are the SNPs beloved 'youth 16-23' year olds, voting in their droves for 'No' to separatism.

      Give me strength! Ask a flock of sheep if they prefer shepehrds or foxes to look after them sums up the this polls validity, no brainer.

      If you believe this poll has any validity in Scotlands voting intentions then I would seek a sanity doctor sooner rather than later. 13% turnout of mostly political careerists seeking to climb on the Westminster ladder same as yourself!