Wednesday, 7 August 2013

JUST FOR A LAUGH


These are from an American book called 'Disorder in the Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. I thought we needed a break from politics...


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

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And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

19 comments:

  1. Bwahahahaha! I especially like the clever come-backs from the expert witnesses. I'd be overtaken by esprit d'escalier in similar circumstances, I'm sure.

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    1. Think I might too, Rolfe. It would be difficult not to...

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  2. Total and utter class!

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  3. You Scots are cool! Here in the States, we can go for a decade or two and never encounter "esprit d'escalier" in a sentence.

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    1. Ha ha ha ha ha... That had me rolling about the floor...

      En fait, Danny, on trouve cette expression très rarement en Ecosse, sauf pour, peut-être, parmi les gens très intellectuels et bien cultivés….ou parfois chez la république de Munguin !!!

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    2. LOL @ Tris.....thank God for my high school French. Glad to know that this is not exactly the common street talk of Glasgow and Edinburgh. Otherwise American culture would be further behind than I had imagined. And of course it reaffirms my faith in the level of discourse one routinely encounters on Munguin's Republic. ;-)

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    3. Sweetheart, if you can point me to an English or even Scots expression that says what "l'esprit d'escalier" encapsulates so pithily, I'll gladly use it.

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    4. LOL Danny. I remembered how you managed to translate in the past. French teaching must be better in the States than it is here!

      Rolfe: There is no more appropriate expression than that. You have left our American cousins stunned by the erudite nature of Scottish discourse! :)

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  4. Hee hee.

    I find this funny as well!

    Of 1,015 people polled, the number who think Blair McDougall is “Always telling the truth” about independence is… 3.

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    1. LOL... These three must be certifiable.

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    2. They have been sent to look for the elusive woman who is still missing. oops no politics till the morrow.

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    3. She still missing, CH?

      I wonder if Ed's got her locked up somewhere in case she says something left of centre...

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  5. Brilliant responses there. Reminds me a judge in, I think, Ayrshire who asked the accused if he had anything to say before being sentenced. The accused replied "Fuck all". The judge did not hear him properly and said to the Clerk of the Court "What did he say?" The clerk replied "Fuck all, my Lord" and the judge replied "That's funny, I was sure he said something"!

    I'll get me coat!

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    1. LOL LOL...

      That's well above your normal standard, John.

      I'm not sure it will endear you to my mum though...

      That and cheap plonk? tut very tut.

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    2. I do know a rather similar one that has as it's punchline "the one with the real hair"....

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    3. That sounds like one my granny wouldn't approve of Rolfe... :)

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  6. A bit worrying for the USA who need a lawyer.

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    1. I wouldn't mind betting ours are just as bad, Marcia...

      Well nearly as bad... LOL

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