NIGEL HEADS FOR ACADEME....SNIGGER

Nigel Griffiths, MP for Edinburgh South, is standing down (at the next election obviously) to take up an opportunity in an “international education institution”.

The man is best known for his unfortunate meeting with a “female of the opposite sex”, not his wife, in his office in the House of Commons on Remembrance Day 2008, which involved them getting naked. He is further renowned for having lied when the circumstances of the tryst became known telling people that he was so drunk that he had no recollection of what had happened. It later turned out that he had taken photographs of his performance and later uploaded them on to his computer. Funny thing the memory, eh Nig?

What else is there to say about him? Nothing much except that he is a close friend and supporter of Gordon Brown. Despite this, however, he seems to have been unable to progress in government in any way since his mate became prime minister despite a lamentable lack of talent in the Labour Party. Some say that this is because he is completely and utterly talentless.... I couldn’t possibly comment. Oh OK, I could. I’d say it was bang on! But then, you already know the level of esteem in which I hold Griffiths

According to The Caledonian Mercury, Mr Griffiths said: “After 30 years of continuously elected service in Edinburgh, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and it would not be right to delay accepting this position, since I want to give the Party time to select a new candidate to fight the forthcoming election. I firmly believe that Labour will hold South Edinburgh, given Labour’s excellent track record in our capital city and the slump in Liberal Democrat support after they took over Edinburgh, now labelled ‘the meanest council in Britain’. There is no evidence of any surge for the Tories here.”

My interpretation of it is closer to this. OK. I’m pretty useless. My majority has fallen every time I’ve stood, and last time it was only 405. Since then you caught me out having a sex romp with a tart in my office and then lying about it. Then it turned out I had tried on such dodgy expenses claims that they were rejected, and we all know that takes some doing. So rather than embarrass everyone with a really humiliating defeat and come in 14th in the contest just behind a plank of wood, I have been told to stand down. I thank you very much for the .... er, no, I mean, for all the support ...blah blah.....

Bye bye Griffiths. I wonder what “international education institution” is going to be employing you. Whichever it is, it will suddenly have become a laughing stock. I hope for its sake you disgrace it a little less than you did the House of Commons.