A FEW RANDOM THOUGHTS ... BEING WITHOUT THE INTERWEB

So, there was an outAGE that caused outRAGE as a BT exchange went down in Edinburgh causing internet services all over the east of Scotland, Northern England, and Northern Ireland to fail. So I was offline for 24 hours. It’s the first time for ages I’ve been without internet, and it’s scary how many times I thought... oh, I’ll just check that up on the net... only to remember that I didn’t actually have the net.

I was even forced to watch BBC 24 to find out what was happening, and while I was watching, for the first time in ages I actually ironed some shirts! So it’s not all bad.

Of course I caught all the news about the bombers from Yemen and their printer bomb. It’s strange, or perhaps it’s not, that I trust politicians so little as to wonder if the whole thing could have been a massive hoax by the West, to buoy up public support for the billions that is spent on anti-terrorism. The most awful thing about it was the appearance on TV of the odd Theresa May. That woman’s voice grates so much that I have a message for the terrorists. They have punished us enough! No more already!!. Talking about punishment, was that a chain, and I mean a real chain, that the Home Secretary had around her neck. She looked as if she’d called in at a press conference after being at some sort of bondage party. Or maybe that's what they are going to do to criminals now that they are closing prisons!

I guess that threw up a slightly more serious question. If we expect our male politicians to show up wearing suits and shirts and ties, can we not expect that the female ones try to look a little less kinky?

Of course, because the BBC is virtually a part of the Labour Party, we had to have full coverage of the chimps’ tea party that is Scottish (huh) Labour having their conference. Scottish (huh) Labour of course had Miliband the younger along. We got the tired old story from him about SNP broken promises. Not that we’ve not heard it before or anything, but... well, as they say, “the old ones are the best”.

Now it doesn’t surprise me that Iain Gray doesn’t understand minority government. As I’ve said before I wouldn’t let Iain Gray run a message. But I thought that Miliband would have grasped the political inevitable that, whatever is in your manifesto, if you are a minority government, you depend upon the opposition parties having the best interests of the country at heart... and his party, from day one, only had its best interests at heart. Even Wendy’s brother said of her that she always put the party first! QED.

Just one though... as Ed rambled on about broken SNP promises, does that mean that wee, whatisname will have to find something new to say? Shock!!!

Staying on the theme of the Labour bash, I note that they had Harriet McHarman there too on loan from England and the Wimins’ Lib Movement...

She upset people by referring to Danny Alexander as a “ginger rodent”. As Mike Smithson (Political Betting) asks, would Harman have been so quick to poke fun at ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation, as she was to point out sneeringly that Mr Alexander has red hair.... Did no one tell her that in THIS country there are quite a few people with fair skin and red hair... It’s a Celtic thang!

Clearly Miliband must have given her a carpeting because it didn’t take too long for her to apologise. A cheap laugh from the Jocks at conference Harriet, but it leaves you looking like a hypocritical fool... and we’ll remember at the next election! I wonder how many ginger votes Labour will get.

Oh dear.... Have I rambled?

Pics: Thersa May's kinky wellies; Fisty Cuffs What'isname; the top table at the SCOTTISH (huh) Labour Party Conference, and the Chief Secretary to the Treasury

"We have big plans for this country - and we intend to see them through”

Not if I can help it!

Gordon Brown yesterday set out a raft of vague policies couched in management speak and called pledges, and he promised “Prosperity under Labour and Austerity under the Tories”.....

Sheeesh! Sometime I wonder what planet the man is from... if indeed any.

He made these pledges legally binding on a Labour government too. Right! The only problem is that, later, when Ed Miliband was asked on radio if, given that they were legally binding, failure to deliver would mean that the government would be in court, Ed said, no, but we could kick them out of office....

Erm, what Ed?.... I thought we could do that anyway.... It’s called democracy.... you know, what we now have in Iraq, Afghanistan and the UK... or don’t, actually, but that’s another rant.

So in reality the legal obligation thing is a gimmick that us thick “ordinary” people are not supposed to see through.

Here they are, then, along with my immediate thoughts. If you have your own to offer then you know I’d be delighted to hear them:

1. Secure the economic recovery and halve the budget deficit of £167 billion through economic growth, fair taxes and cuts to lower priority spending.

[Well, whoever gets in is going to have to do the first half of that, otherwise we will be broke. If the Retirement Pension rise completely nullified by tax increases (by failing to raise the allowances) is your idea of fair taxes, I doubt I’ll like that policy much.]

2. Raise family living standards, with low mortgage rates, increased tax credits for families with young children, helping first-time buyers and re-linking the state pension with earnings from 2012.

[How will you know if you have raised family living standards? What will the indicators be? And why not raise single people’s standards too? How can you help first time buyers when building societies ask 10-15% deposits, houses are £100-150,000, and there are student loans to repay? You can’t guarantee mortgage rates as they're commercial, and you’ve been promising to look at the pensions/earning link since Barbara Castle embarrassed you into it 13 years ago....]

3.Build a "high tech" economy, with support for businesses and industry in creating one million new skilled jobs; the delivery of high-speed rail, a green investment bank and broadband access for all.

You will create a million jobs, but your plans for downsizing the civil service and putting everything on line will lose between 1-2 million jobs. So, how does that work? The high speed rail is in England only right? How will you get broadband to all and how will they use it given that computers cost £400-£1,000, and broadband costs £30 a month? Try living on our planet for a while! And a green bank? Lord save us from another bloody bank!]

4. Protect frontline investment in policing, schools, childcare and the NHS, as well as a guarantee of cancer test results within a week.

[Can you imagine any government which would not guarantee investment in all these things? And did you know that police, schools, childcare and the NHS are absolutely nothing to do with you in OUR country? Are all these pledges just for England, or is this another "presidential debate" moment?]

5. Strengthen fairness in communities through an Australian style points-based system to control immigration, guarantees of education, apprenticeships and jobs for young people, and a crackdown on anti-social behaviour.

[Will you remember that the UK is not London and that immigration issues are different depending on where you live? Why have you not cracked down on anti-social behaviour before given that it makes the lives of millions of people unbearable? Are you remembering that policing is nothing to do with you in my country? Where will the apprenticeships be? Where will the jobs be?]

Please Gordon. Slip out into the real world quietly in disguise and find out what the hell is going on. Then go back and think again. If you can’t do that then shut the hell up and stop telling us fairy stories. We’ve heard them all before.

Remember “Things can only get better”?

Pictured: (Click on to enlarge) Labour Pledge Card, and some demented North British muppet.

PS: Don't forget to change your clocks if you're in the UK: (Spring forward, Fall back!)