A Redneck buys a
ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man
verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says,
"I want my $20 million."
To which the man
replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today,
and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said,
"Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want
it."
Again the man
patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest
during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious
with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to
give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!''
A man was walking
along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so
he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The
genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only
one." The man thought for a minute and said, I have always wanted to go to
Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make
me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to
Hawaii."
The genie thought
for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think
of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how
deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement
that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for
a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have
always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them
laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get
along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"
The genie considered
for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or
four?"
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila,
floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from
monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a
book store and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a man is standing
in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him
... is he still wrong?
If someone with
multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage
situation?
Is there another
word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit
unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Where do forest
rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when
you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly without
wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock
petrol station toilets? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't
have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep
shrink when it rains?
Why do they put
Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Is it true that
cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best
thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about
egotists: they don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is
to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate
the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get,
the better you realize you were.
Age is a very high
price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is
the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent
men; they think they're listening.
Give a man a fish
and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and
drink beer all day.
Before they invented
drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy
infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world is
a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If one synchronized
swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is
the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so
terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
