Sunday, 17 January 2016

JUST FOR A LAUGH

WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER

What do you expect from such simple creatures!?

Their last name stays put.

The garage is all theirs.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

They can be President.

They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell them the truth.

The world is their urinal.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

People never stare at their chest when they're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

They know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

They can open all their own jars.

They get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Their underwear is $6.95 for a six pack.

Everything on their face stays its original color.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

They don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

They almost never have strap problems in public.

They are unable to see wrinkles in their clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

They don't have to shave below their neck.

Their belly usually hides their big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

They can "do" their nails with a pocketknife.

They have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

They can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes


It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. 

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice. 

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?" 

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred." 

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!" 

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" 

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house." 

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." 

"And what happened?" 

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." 

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?" 

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." 

There is a long pause. 

"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?" 
A guy walks into a bar and noticed three pieces of meat hanging off the ceiling. He asks the bartender why they are there, the bartender replies “if you can jump up and slap the meat you get free drinks for the rest of the night, however if you miss you have to pay for everyone’s drinks for the next hour. Wanna try it?” The guy says “Nah the steaks are too high” 

12 comments:

  1. 30 seconds is way too long, for a phone call. And my beard has went from black, to red, to grey and now it's turning white.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes 30 seconds is too long....

      Erm not sure about your bear though... sounds like Andrew Lloyd Webber designed it...

      Delete
    2. I'll be 50, this year. And a grandfather.
      I. Couldn't be happier, unless we were independent.

      Delete
  2. Well I wasn't expecting that and it was very enjoyable. Have one wee concern about men and shoes, three pairs are never enough in my house. I find selfies horrible, my camera will photograph using the lens on the front. I have tried a selfies and shall we say they have been deleted every time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I got mixed up with days and ended up making Sunday, Saturday... add I didn't reckon anyone wanted politics on Sunday.

      LOL I laughed at the shoe one too. I have no idea how many pairs I have.

      And like you I have selfies. I look at myself and decide it's time I regenerated like doctor Who!

      Delete
  3. Anyone buying a selfie stick needs their head examined.

    3 pairs is not enough, at least for boots. I like my boots, but unfortunately only one pair of cowboy boots (no I hate line dancing) is all the wife allows.



    zog

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I saw one in a shop the other day. TBH it's the first one I've seen in real life. I've never seen anyone use them.

      I've got dozens of pairs of shoes, most of which I don;t wear becasue they aren't comfortable enough. But shoes, like all other clothes seem to last me forever, and I hate throwing them out, although I'm better at it now that there is such need for second hand clothes. Thanks Tories!

      I used to have a pair of cowboy boots, but one night I had to walk home in them...5 miles. By the end of the walk my feet were bleeding. I never wore them again.

      Delete
  4. Just seen another joke.............. Jeremy Corbyn.

    The man has lost the plot. Nuclear submarines on patrol with no weapons.

    Alex Salmond is getting close to joining him. He wants Trump banned from the UK. Trump's an idiot, but you cannot ban a presidential candidate, and not because you've had a few verbal fisticuffs with him. I'm annoyed with him as Nicola is fighting the proposed changes to union law, then Eck opens his bloody mouth and attracts attention.

    Keith Vaz can be added. He's agreeing with Jeremy, but then Vaz is one of the most egotistic of all politicians who will do anything for attention.

    This could be an interesting week.


    zog

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I mean that's just batty. Get rid of teh bloody subs as well...

      Salmond should shut up.

      I disagree that you can't ban a presidential candidate, although he isn't one yet. But it isn't helpful to call for something that they will never do in a million years.

      You CAN ban a nut job like him... but britain wouldn't ban a possible president if he were a monster from outer space. Britain will do, as usual, exactly what America tells it to do.

      Alex, for all that he did for us in the past, is sometimes something of an embarrassment. It would help if he just did his job.

      Delete