A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a
few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing
of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line,
but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made
you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died
recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I
can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye,
Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he
stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few
things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the
clerk.
A man came into his wife's room one day. "If I were,
say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her.
"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her
nails.
"How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you any
more?" he asked nervously.
"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing
her nails.
"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Frank went on,
"if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me
then?"
The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Frank, I'll always
love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss
you."
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed
because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer
goods.
On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time
I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and
that would be how???....)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's
"just" a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating."(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds
off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm
taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
only."(as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other
use."(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news
flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,eat
nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's
superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to
fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
