WHAT WAS THAT TWINGE?

Sometimes, even I have to feel sorry for some indecently rich people. And between chuckles this morning when reading this article, I am sure I could detect just a wee, tiny, infinitesimal twinge of sympathy... or maybe it was lumbago, who knows.

Fred Goodwin, Fred the Shred, and to Gordon Brown and his cronies ‘SIR’ Fred was, until a couple of years ago, a lucky man. Doubtless he had some talent and a lot of drive, having risen from relatively humble beginnings to be the chairman of Scotland’s biggest company, and one of the UK’s big banks (having taken over Williams and Glynn and National Westminster Banks, the latter of which was three times its size).

He was even knighted in 2004 for services to banking, despite, or perhaps because of his ruthless management style which saw him “shred” companies, paring them to minimum staffing levels and maximum profits. Oh, how little they knew!

Well, we all know what happened then. We all know, because the prime minister of the day told us. It all started in America, spread around the entire world, and landed here, in Britain, and North Britain.

Of course those of us with more than one working brain cell knew that that was the usual pile of rubbish that Brown was apt to blether*. What we knew was that in many parts of the world banking and bankers had been allowed to get out of hand; they believed that they had found magical ways of making gold, latter day alchemists if you will... but alchemy is a science that belongs in the 17^th century world of “Captain Face”, “Subtle” and “Dol Common”** or maybe even today’s “Harry Potter”. And, as had happened before, it all came crashing down.

And because Freddy boy and his bank had been in the forefront of the alchemy, the seeming possessor of the philosopher’s stone that turned base metal into gold, he came crashing down the harder when the whole banking Ponzi scheme fell apart.

But in the way of these things, Fred picked himself up, dusted himself off, and despite, or maybe because of the intervention of the then Minister for the City, Paul Myners, he trotted off abroad and into the sunset with his knighthood, a pension of gigantic proportions and the prospect of another job in the offing, while the British taxpayer was left with a multi-billion pound bill to pay for the credulity or, stupidity perhaps, of its leaders...and bankers.

However, not all has been rosy for Goodwin, despite his fortune. The size of his pension was revealed as being £700,000, not a bad amount for steering a company downwards to be worth approximately 2% of what it had been worth a few years previously, causing outrage. Then someone used parliamentary privilege to reveal that Freddy was one of the super rich who had paid for a super-injunction. In this case to hide the fact that he had been having an affair with a Royal Bank colleague (supposedly promoted by him well above her level of competency), and as a result of which his wife booted him out of their house.

And now a new book about him, written by two Tory MPs (but politically neutral) promises to be a good read. Finally, and worse still, it will be serialised in a national newspaper... so we’ll all get to know all Freddie’s dirty secrets.

Now anyone feeling twinges?

*Scots word meaning “talk rubbish”

** The Alchemist: Ben Jonson.

Pic: Fred Goodwin... smirking...

MPs DON'T WANT TO FUND THE "INDEPENDENT" COMMITTEE THAT TRIES TO STOP THEM FIDDLING....

Well...would you look at the expression on that little piggy’s face.

The angry and defiant look from Mr Woolas, or Wool Ass as I prefer to call him is, it seems, directed at the new parliamentary expenses agency. Perhaps they have refused him his wife’s cosmetics, blouses and underwear on his expenses.

According to the Telegraph, disgruntled MPs have threatened to bring down the new supposedly independent allowances watchdog in protest at being treated like ordinary human beings and not the gods they think they are.

Now when I say it is independent, I use the word loosely because the MPs have to vote for its funding. They have already had some of the rules changed because it took time for them to get their money..... and they are not like ordinary people and have to make arrangements to suit when public bodies mess them around.

So members of the Speaker’s committee refused to sign off on the budget for the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority (IPSA) and demanded officials provide new information before they would agreed to fund the body, raising the prospect that it will not be able to continue.

That’s the way to do it guys. I wish I could just refuse to fund the Revenue or Jobcentre Plus or DVLA or TV Licencing.... or whoever happens to be making a mess of my finances this week. Come to that I wish I could stop financing the Royal Bank!

MPs crowded the committee room and shouted and barracked the staff of the IPSA as they answered questions. (It’s nice to know that they can get really worked up about something, isn’t it?) and one was heard to shout “Bastards”, perhaps after a particularly liquid lunch, possibly on expenses, so it’s good to know that our representatives are showing our kids a good example on the behaviour front.

Presumably they will be fighting with equal vigour the next time that one of their constituents gets done over by some public body. Or maybe they’ll just yawn and pass the letter over to some clerk to deal with.

Bob Russell, LibDem, called the organization the most inefficient he had known in 40 years of public office. He should get out more. Really!

Nick Brown, Labour Chief Whip, indicated that there were no satisfied MPs... Well of course there aren’t, you balloon. No one who has had an open cheque book for years and years is ever happy with being kept in check! People like Winterton resigned because of it.

Charles Walker, Conservative, accused IPSA of wasting money after a compliance officer was appointed to investigate questionable claims. Erm, Charlie, don’t we have the same sort of thing on TV Licences, Tax, Social Security? Aren’t there snoopers all over the country making sure that we stump up and don’t cheat? Why would you be different?

On the basis that evidence turned up by the Daily Telegraph showed that over 50% of your number cheated on their expenses and took what was not there (in other parlance stole), I think it’s not unreasonable that you should be treated just like ordinary mortals.

A word of warning: don’t try to mess with this committee you set of conniving, dreary little cheats. We’re angry. You should know that. We haven’t forgotten. We are all suffering hardships to pay back for the incompetences of the last few years. Don’t add insult to our injury by continuing to assume that you are above it all. That would be really foolish.


Pics: Phil Woolas, Joanna Lumley's doormat, a collection of MPs, and Charles Walker who clearly has been off planet over the last year or so... out to lunch maybe (they have long lunch breaks in parliament)?