TO FIND A HAPPY STORY TRIS SEARCHES THE WORLD

I looked back over the last few posts and realized that they were singularly depressing. Of course there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a reflection of how things are in the UK right now.

But having promised Monty that I would look for something a bit more cheerful, I was searching around through the tabloids. I went through the NOTW, Record and Star (I reckoned the broadsheets would be too serious) but apart from Jordan looking like a ridiculous old string bag in a lacy pink thing more suitable for a girl 1/2 of her age (her real age, not the 31 she seems to have been for the last decade or so), there was nothing.

No, I lie, I had a real laugh at William’s moan in the NOTW that he was “furious at being made to smooze (I presume that means creep) with two faced FIFA officials”, which I thought was hilarious seeing as we are all obliged to “smooze” with him and his family. Oh dear, the thought of that has just caused a wave of nausea.

Apart from that there was X Factor related material. Apparently there has been a SHOCK exit of Cher (whom I thought was a 70 something year old American singer with a face lift that involves her knees being around where her bosoms used to be, but no, once again I’m wrong). Anywho this new Cher (you’d think she could have found another name; it’s very confusing) has been snubbed by someone called Cheryl. So that was interesting wasn’t it? Wasn’t it? ...Oh OK.

I was surprised not to see Brucie on the front page ... I heard Ann Widdecombe got ditched from his show...so sad. But Peter André managed appear with yet another girl friend to make Jordan jealous, or is it the cage fighter that dresses up with women’s clothes... Another confusion. It’s really much more intellect sapping than The Spectator.

I did eventually find a happy story, however, in the Gibraltar Chronicle. It concerns a young lad called Carl Figueras who has had to have a liver transplant. He was apparently surprised last Wednesday when a ‘wish of a lifetime’ came true and he got to go to the Santiago Bernabéu stadium in Madrid to see Real Madrid play against Valencia.

Young Carl got to meet players from both teams including Ronaldo from Real Madrid (see pic) and his favourite player Casillas (goalkeeper). That’s odd; goalkeepers aren’t usually “favourites”... Oh well, another puzzle for me to worry about.

The visit was sponsored by Gibraltar charity, Wobbles. I love it when a kid, who should never have to go through anything like a liver transplant, has something really wonderful happen to them. Wobbles sound like a great charity.

I hope Carl continues to make a recovery and can soon go back to Madrid to see his team... hey, maybe even have a kick around with Ronaldo, and see if he can get one past Casillas...?

Right I think that that is a good news story. It’s a pity I had to go to Gibraltar to find it.

Pics: (1) Jordan. With smoothed out the wrinkles and a pink string bag. Looks dead natural too, don't it just? Apparently, at least according to the NOTW, that is sexy. Oh well, "à chacun son goût" as they say in Monaco. (2) Two normal young lads out or a stroll together. (3) Gibraltar: Funny wee place. I flew over on a day trip from Morocco once. Tiny, lots of apes and really funny money. (4) The happy lad Carl with enjoying his day. I hope you Google your name Carl and find this. Get well soon matey!

IS A ROYAL WEDDING ON THE CARDS FOR JUNE?

Brown may have missed out on a good thing and left it to Cleggeron.

When things are going badly in the country, it is always a good idea for the prime minister to rake around and see if there isn’t a royal you can get married off. A royal wedding always generates good feeling, the awwww factor, and of course, the nearer to the throne, the bigger the draw, and the greater the “feel good” effect, and consequent boost for the government.

So, I have to say, during the dying days of the Labour government in London, I expected to hear that Prince Charles and the Middletons had announced the marriage of their respective offspring. But no, either Brown didn’t think of it, or Wills had the bottle to tell him that he wasn’t going to get married for the benefits of such an unpleasant, unpopular and inept prime minister.

Now, although nothing has been announced, bookmakers have stopped taking bets on 2011 being the date we can expect the wedding to take place. It seems they feel that it’s now a done deal.

William Hill has instead opened a market on which month William will marry Kate and where they will go on honeymoon. They rate June 2011 as the most likely month for the wedding at 1/2, with July 3/1, January to May 4/1, August 7/1 and September to December 10/1.

The private island Mustique in the Caribbean is favourite for the honeymoon at 4/1, followed by Saint Tropez in the south of France at 11/2. Slightly more off the wall, they rate Butlins at 250/1 and Magaluf at 500/1.

So it looks as if they are pretty certain that there will be an announcement soon.

It sounds like a starter. Just when the serious newspapers will be full of the doom and gloom of the October Spending review that will spell the end of any kind of popularity that the coalition government has enjoyed, the Red Tops and the other tabloids will daily speculate on the dress, the meal, the ceremony, the honeymoon destination, the bridesmaids, the ....... oh well, all that stuff....

Hopefully then no one will notice that the country is collapsing around them. Faced with a choice of making a front page splash on the redundancies in the police, or the local council closing its libraries and swimming baths, or the fact that Kate has chosen a French designer to make her dress, or an Italian for her shoes...... the royal story will usually win.

I bet the likes of terminally talentless celebrities like Jordan, Peter, Cheryl, and their ilk, who depend upon ever more bizarre lifestyle choices for their continued fame and fortune will be spitting feathers, foreseeing their relegation to page 23!!

But a wee word of caution to the government, ... royal weddings don’t come cheap, and with William being so senior in the royal family it will be the state that picks up the bill for the wedding, the feast and the security for the thousands of kings, princes, presidents and other “top” people who will descend on London for the event.

People may very well start asking how all this can be afforded when retirement homes are having their budgets slashed.

In the meantime, I wonder where I put my top hat and tails.......

MEANWHILE, OVER AT THE DAILY STAR......

I was trawling around on the computer tonight looking for something interesting and different to write about: something more relaxing than politics, when lo and behold I came upon the Daily Star, that organ of record.... or something. Well obviously most of the paper is given over to the antics of Peter André and Katie Price, and how their daughter “Princess” (OMG) turned up at Pete’s house with bruises all over her, and so Pete phoned Katie to ask her what it was, and she said it was mascara. So Pete phoned his solicitor (instead of just getting a cloth and trying to wipe off the mascara) and then he wrote about it in his magazine column (yes, he’s a journalist now as well as a mega pop star).

So, it seems that someone in the police reads Mr André’s column because the police came round.... and Pete just can’t understand it.... Well of course he can’t. His brain cell was probably working on something else at that moment.

For how long will this ghastly pair continue to use their kids to get themselves in the papers and buoy up their totally talentless superstardom?

Another story that caught my eye was one about a swan, who has been causing grief to some rowers on the River Cam near Cambridge. It seems that the bird, whom they have dubbed “Mr Asbo” (Lord aren’t they clever!) has been “terrorising the river”. Appeals have been made to the Queen, asking her to remove the swan on the grounds that all swans in England are the property of the monarch, which, of course, is not true. Not that the Daily Star could be bothered finding that out.

Dinghy sailor Ashley Sparkes, 27, said: “He came at us full speed, flapping his wings.” Oh dear Ashley. That’s erm....ever so....erm.....interesting....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Put your brain into gear Ashley... What time of year is it? Yes, It’s Spring. And what happens in Spring Ashley? Yes, animals and birds have young. So the likelihood is that the swan is guarding its nest.

Try not rowing for a few weeks while the eggs are vulnerable. Or row somewhere else. Pfffffff.

Right, that was supposed to take my mind off politics and make me smile.... but it didn’t work.

Pics: Asbo, the good looking swan, and Peter Andre

.........

THIS IS WHAT THE IDIOT KATIE DID NEXT

I’m not the kind of person who would normally give a second thought to the antics of the terminally untalented Katie Price. She appears to have made herself famous for ....... being famous. Someone told me that long ago, when Adam was a lad, she was a model. A model of what exactly, I’m not sure.

Anyway, suffice to say that anyone with even the meanest intelligence can see through her and the stunts she comes up with to remain famous, whether it is her on-off fight with her ex-husband, or her marriage to a cross dressing cage fighter. If she were a singer she would release an album; if she were an actress she would make a new film or appear in a new play; if she were 10 years younger she could still be a model. As it is she has nothing to offer but being salacious.

OK. That’s her business, and, I take my hat off to her, she’s damned good at it too. She must be one of the most famous people in the country, possibly abroad too. It takes a certain talent to be able to do that without having even the smallest evidence of any actual talent, if you get my meaning. Presumably all the fame has brought her wealth too. Good for her, I’ve always said, in a kind of superior way....

But, for all the tasteless things Price has done, only one has really made me sick and angry.

She has apparently given her 2 year old daughter a glam make over, the result of which can be seen above. Needless to say this will feature as part of her next money making project, a television series called “What Katie did next”. (Susan Coolidge must be turning in her grave.) The child, whose name, heaven help her, is Princess Tiaimii, appeared like this on the social network site Facebook, incurring, not surprisingly, the wrath of her father, Peter André (well known for...erm....uh.... There are sentences you wished you’d never started, aren’t there?)

Why can’t people allow their children to be children? There is something wrong about making a small adult out of a tiny child. Childhood should be magical; it should be fun; it should be about being a child. It’s unhealthy to do this and it even unhealthier to put it out on the net. And if Price, who appears to have the IQ of a snuffed out candle can’t see it, then surely one of the many men in her life might be able to tell her that it is quite simply unwholesome.

To me this nonsense makes the child look like a painted doll; an embarrassment. To a paedophile god only knows what message it sends out, and whilst Price’s children may be safe from that, she might spare a thought for the children of her “fans” for whom, Lord help us, she is a role model. Their kids might not be so safe.

If that range of thought is beyond her you really would think, wouldn’t you, that even this grim woman would care enough about her children to spare them this.