DAVE REWRITES HISTORY AND TELLS HIS FOLLOWERS HE WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG

David Cameron has patted himself on the back for getting it right over Scotland. "It was the right call", he is reported to have said. 

Scottish Conservative Party Meeting

According to the BBC he was addressing a “packed - and jubilant” reception for Scottish Conservatives at the party's annual conference in Birmingham. (That must make a nice change from the usual half empty hall.)

(Warning: You may need to avail yourself of a sick bag for this next bit.)

Cameron talked about his sleepless night as the results came in on 19th September.

"I tried to go to sleep. It wouldn't work. I was sat (sic) at 3 am in the morning (sic) in the press office at Number 10 Downing Street.

"At about four o'clock my children came down. Nancy and Elwyn.  Elwyn was wearing some tartan pyjamas. (The child is 8 for heaven's sake. It is stretching the bounds of reasonable possibility that even a privileged rich boy sent out for tartan pyjamas and chose to wear them that night. Oh, and David, we don't actually do much tartan here. That's for the tourists and day trippers.) 

Och aye, the noo, we a' wear the tartan and talk like teuchters
and we only eat porridge and oatcakes.

"They knew how worried their Dad was - and they cared deeply about it too. And they watched result-after-result come in and I must say I now know the definition of relief.” (I'm finding it hard to believe that an 8 year old and a 10 year old really cared enough about Scottish independence to get up in the middle of the night attired like something from Brigadoon and make their way from the flat into the offices at No 10 Downing Street. Does no-one look after these children?)

Head teuchter fae
Rothsay

"Going to bed as prime minister of the United Kingdom and waking up as prime minister of the United Kingdom." (Don't get too used to it. Boris is creeping up on you, and he may be a buffoon, but... he's twice the bloke you are. As a thought, at this point, I know the Queen is on holiday in Balmoral, and of course that is in Scotland, and therefore barely connected to the rest of the world, but would it really be necessary for the Prime Minister to deliver the message that the UK was safe, personally. I mean, we do have the interweb up here...and she does have an enormous staff.  Added to which she's getting on for 90. You woke her up in the middle of the might to tell her? Prrrrrrrrrr...scratch!)

He said he had been inundated with messages from around the world from "friends" of the UK "delighted that we have decided to stay together but also impressed that this country would do it in such a clear, fair, open and democratic way". (I'll give you that one. Although most of the countries that congratulated you, probably made the break for your empire themselves, so that's a bit odd.)

"In politics they say you should never gloat and that is normally right, but there is one small one. (You've pretty little to gloat about Mr Cameron, so enjoy it while you can. But do remember that it's likely to come back and bit you on the butt.)

"We had a very clear strategy, a very clear plan, When Alex Salmond was elected into Holyrood with a very clear SNP majority, we could have ducked the fight we could have tried to put off what he wanted to do have let him have illegal referendum after illegal referendum." (That would have ignored a rather large elephant in the room. Sorry Alex, that came out all wrong. I didn't mean you!)

Boss teuchtar

He went on: "We could have let him, rather cowardly I think it would have been, break up the union by stealth. (Well, you could have, but rather like Spain, you would have looked like an autocracy, trying to hang on to the cash cow and refusing to listen to the will of the indigenous people, and almost certainly you would have lost, as Spain will.)

"That was not the choice we made. We said 'one question, one referendum'. Fair, legal and decisive. (But then you had to promise what you had sworn you wouldn't promise. You won, but you had to go back on everything you stood for in order to do it.)

"And let's not forget - in the dying weeks of the campaign - there were one or two people who were beginning to wonder whether that was wise. Let's just say now, loudly and proudly - it was the right call!" (Well Dave, you were one of them, according to your conversation with the ex Mayor of New York. You remember the one you had to apologize to the Queen about? The one where you also said you would sue the polling companies for giving you ulcers, because we were winning until your volte face?) 

Mad teuchter.

He stressed that the "vows that we made about further Scottish devolution.

They will go ahead." (Well, we await them with interest. Just remember that you were working hand in glove with Gordon Brown over this and he promise Federalism on your behalf. We await it with eager anticipation.)

The prime minister also said the Conservatives have a "huge political opportunity" in Scotland to win more seats at next year's general election. (Yes, that may be true. But this is mainly due to the fact that being in coalition with you has caused the Liberals in Scotland to implode. Estimates are that of the 11 seats they currently hold they will lose 9, 3 of which are likely to go to the Tories because they are in "Liberal" rather than "Democrat" country. You might have gone on to say that Labour's association with your party will likely cost IT dearly with the bulk of the seats looking like going to the SNP, on current reading. Munguin's Republic will be carrying shortly a guest post by Dean on this subject.)

He said: "We have got some targets in our sights." (Well yes, we all do, but so often these things don;t come to pass... for all of us.)

He also praised Ruth Davidson for her part in the campaign. (Well, I suppose someone had to.)