LIGHTEN UP...IT'S THE WEEKEND

I'm sorry about the lack to postings over the last few days. I've been having some work done on the flat and it's involved a shed load of clearing up. I've now got a load of decorating to do. I hope in the meantime you enjoy these American funny stories...

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

****

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today." 

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

 So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. 

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars." 

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on." So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! 

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. 

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn’t intend to come back).  He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.  So I did."

****

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,  yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
 
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

 When I got fired, you were there to support me.

 When my business failed, you were there.

 When I got shot, you were by my side.

 When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

 When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

 You know what Martha?'

 'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 

 'I'm beginning to think you're bloody bad luck.... 

****

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn’t want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she did... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

****