Monday, 2 January 2012

It's not the time for politics... maybe tomorrow! In the meantime, some jokes...



Two neighbours are talking to each other. 

First neighbour: Do you know that my dog is so smart, he waits for the newspaper to drop at the doorstep and then delivers it to me?
Second neighbour: Of course, I know that very well.
First neighbour: Really, well then, how?
Second neighbour: My dog came and told me.


A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there is a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"


A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit !!"


Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!

I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking"
I said, "It's me........I'm talking to the beer"!

A man was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a visitor waiting for him outside the bar.
He had just bought another large beer and he didn"t want anyone to drink it.
So, he wrote a little sign on a piece of paper and left it by his beer that said: "I spit in my beer."
When he returned to his bar stool there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer too!"

A boy and a blonde a stranded, in a blazing hot desert. They walk for miles and come across a shop. The boy buys food and water for the journey whilst the blonde bought a car door. "What will you do with a car door?" asked the boy and the blonde replies, "So that I can roll down the window for fresh hair when it gets too hot"

A blond walks into a library. 
"PLEASE CAN I HAVE A CHEESEBURGER?!" he shouts at the top of his lungs.
"Sir, this is a library," the librarian says.
"Oh, sorry," he whispers. "Please can I have a cheeseburger?"


16 comments:

  1. Who is Jack Schitt?

    The Schitt family history is finally revealed.

    Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt”. Read on and you’ll be able to handle the situation intelligently.

    Jack is the only son of Awe and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedip & Schitt. Jack married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple begat six children;
    Holie Schitt,
    Fulla Schitt,
    Giva Schitt,
    Bull Schitt and the twins
    Deap Schitt & Dip Schitt.

    Against her parents wishes Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out.

    After fifteen years of marriage Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name and became Noe Schitt Sherlock.

    Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son named Chicken Schitt.

    Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseparable throughout childhood, subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the “Schitt-Happens wedding”, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were;
    Dawg,
    Byrd and
    Hoarse.

    Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned a few years later with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.

    So, now if someone says to you, “You don’t know Jack Schitt.” You can beg to differ. You now not only know Jack Schitt but everyone on the Schitt list.




    I've got loads more of them

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  2. Why did the chicken commit suicide?






    To get to the other side.

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  3. HO HO HO.

    You boys shoulda teen on the telly!

    Ged... That was a fascinating history of the Schitt family. Did Bull marry into the Cameron family, by any chance?

    LOL Stevie... was that is a Christmas cracker?

    Wolfie: You still on the plonk?

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  4. Man is driving through Glasgow and sees at the side of the road a sign that says

    "Talking dog for sale £5.00"

    He stops, locks the car, it is Glasgow, and goes over, rereads the sign a goes to the door of the house

    He rings the bell and a man comes to open it.

    He asks about the dog and was the sign true.

    The man takes him around the back and there lying, half in and half out of a kennel is a weird looking dog, part wolf, part collie and part Einsteinish.

    The dog is called over and the "buyer" is invited to question the dog.

    The "buyer" talks for a few minutes to the dog and then asks what he had done with his talent.

    The dog replies that he had worked for MI5/6 and been loaned to the CIA from time to time. He would be taken into meetings with one of the home side who would feign blindness and would just settle into the corner of the room during the discussions, allowing himself to be petted and stroked by all and sundry. He would winder around the room nudging and nustling into the friendly opposition members and during recesses he would stay in the room memorising all that was said to be repeated back to the home team. He even worked for a while for David Blunkett in European negotiations in Bruxelles.

    He was very successful but had to be retired when the other side found out, somehow.

    The "buyer" turned to the "seller" and asked why on earth he was selling such a magnificent, intelligent unique talking dog.

    The "seller" said he was fed up with the animal.

    Don' believe what he says, he just lies too much

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  5. http://gedguy-roehampton.blogspot.com/2012/01/haggis.html

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  6. A burglar breaks into a church. He's searching around in the dark when he hears a parrot say, "Jesus is watching you."
    The burglar aims his flashlight at it and says, "You're a pretty bird. What's your name?"
    The parrot says, "My name is Zorba."
    The burglar says, "A parrot named Zorba? That's pretty weird."
    The parrot says, "Not as weird as a pit bull named Jesus."

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  7. A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mudhole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mudhole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
    A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes.

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  8. A lion's walking along in the jungle. He goes up to an ostrich and says, "Roar! Who's the king of the jungle?" The ostrich says, "You are, lion."
    The lion goes up to a hyena and says, "Roar! Who's the king of the jungle?" The hyena says, "You are, lion."
    The lion goes up to an elephant and says, "Roar! Who's the king of the jungle?" The elephant smacks him with his trunk, picks him up, twirls him around over his head a few times, smashes him into a tree, and tosses him about 30 feet. The lion gets up and says, “Sheesh! You don't have to get so annoyed off just because you don't know the answer."

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  9. Mathematician and philosopher Rene Descartes entered a restaurant in Paris and was shown to his table. He gave the waiter his order, and the waiter asked if he would have wine with dinner.

    Descartes replied "I think not."

    And he disappeared!

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  10. Danny,

    It took me a second but I got it and now I have to clean the tea stains off my screen. I'll keep that one and a few others.

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  11. Danny


    Ouch!

    Immanuel Kant was a real pissant Who was very rarely stable.

    Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar Who could think you under the table.

    David Hume could out-consume Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel, and Wittgenstein was a beery swine Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

    There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya' 'Bout the raising of the wrist. SOCRATES, HIMSELF, WAS PERMANENTLY PISSED...


    John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

    Plato, they say, could stick it away; Half a crate of whiskey every day.

    Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, Hobbes was fond of his dram, and Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am"

    Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed; A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!


    Lifted from Monty Python

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  12. You did me proud guys...

    Love the one about the lion...Ged, and the cerebral one about Descartes...Danny, good poem Wolfie...


    Thanks for your contributions. Some great laughs there...

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  13. Gedguy: I don't know what happened to your entry on my bloglist, but it has been rectified now... and you appear in the sidebar.

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  14. Thanks Gedguy and Lupus.

    Loved the stories, and the poem!

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