Monday, 23 January 2012

HA HA HA...

I'm sorry about another page of jokes. I'm up to my neck in work at the moment, but I promise a proper post soon!
*****

A guy has a talking dog. He takes it to a talent scout. 

"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. 

The guy says to the dog, "What's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. 

"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. “All dogs go 'roof'." 

"No, wait," the guy says. 

He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. 

The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience.

"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." 

He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!" barks the dog. 

And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I should said DiMaggio?"
*****

One day, a priest was walking through a forest, when he came upon a pond. On the pond was a lily-pad, and on the lily-pad was the saddest frog the priest had ever seen! 

"Dear frog" the priest asked, "what is the matter? Why are you so sad?" 

"Well," said the frog, "I was not always a frog." 

"Tell me more" said the priest. 

"One day, I was walking through these woods when I came upon a wicked witch. 'Stand aside witch' I said to her. But alas, she called me a nasty cheeky boy and turned me into a frog." 

"But that's terrible! Isn't there anything that can be done to reverse the spell?" asked the priest. 

"Well" said the frog, "if a kind person were to take me home for the night, feed me and put me to sleep on their pillow, I am sure I would wake up human again." 

"Well, this is your lucky day!" said the priest. 

So he took the frog home, fed him and put him to sleep on his pillow. And lo and behold, when he woke up the next morning, there was a 10 year old choir boy in his bed!

"And that, Your Honour, is the case for the Defence!"

29 comments:

  1. Tris,

    I'm impressed with the international knowledge of you and your readership. I actually thought of sending the dog joke in as a comment after your last joke column.

    But I figured that I'd have to go on to explain what baseball is, and especially who Ruth and DiMaggio were. Very impressive international sports knowledge!

    BTW, the "State of the Union" is tonight. But you'll already know that. ;-)

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  2. PS: For Scottish readers who are not as familiar with American government as they are American sports, the "State of the Union" is a constitutionally mandated address to Congress from the President. Sort of a "Queen's speech" without throne, crown, robes, and horses. ;-)

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  3. Danny,

    "Sort of a "Queen's speech" without throne, crown, robes, and horses. ;-)"

    You missed out substance.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lawyers Gaffes

    When a judge at Gloucester Crown Court, England, recently warned an inefficient lawyer that he was ready to “kick some arse”, he was adding to a tradition of gaffes and outbursts in our legal system. Veteran court reporter Mary Louise Gilman came across so many slip ups that she began collecting them from courts on both sides of the Atlantic and posting them on the internet. Here, beginning with howlers from witnesses, are the pick of her crop……..

    Q. What is your date of birth?
    A. July 15th.
    Q. What year?
    A. Every year.

    Q.What gear were you in at the moment of the crash?
    A. Tracksuit bottoms and Reeboks.

    Q. How old is your son?
    A. 38 or 35, I can’t remember which.
    Q. How long has he lived with you?
    A. 45 years.

    Q. What was the first thing your husband said when he woke up?
    A. He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
    Q. And why did that upset you?
    A. My name is Susan.

    Q. Have you and your daughter ever been involved in the occult?
    A. We both do.
    Q. Voodoo?
    A. We do.
    Q. You do?
    A. Yes, voodoo.

    Q.What’s your brother-in-law’s first name?
    A. I can’t remember.
    Q. You can’t remember?
    A. No. I’m too excited. (Points to brother-in-law) Nathan, for God’s sake, tell them your first name.

    Q. What is your IQ?
    A. Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

    Q. Did you blow your horn before the accident?
    A. Sure, I played for ten years.

    Q. Were your red and blue lights flashing when you stopped her?
    A. Yes.
    Q. What did she say?
    A. “What disco am I at?”

    Q. What is your marital status?
    A. Fair.

    Q. What did your husband do before you divorced him?
    A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.

    Q. Could you see him?
    A. I could see his head.
    Q. And where was his head?
    A. Just above his shoulders.

    Q. Are you sexually active?
    A. No, I just lie there.

    Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    A. Yes, I have been since childhood.

    Q. You were shot in the fracas?
    A. No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

    Q. Gary. All your responses must be oral. OK? What school did you go to?
    A. Oral.

    And the lawyers prove they can also make fools of themselves…….

    Q. What is your relationship to the plaintiff?
    A. She is my daughter.
    Q. Was she your daughter in 1979?

    Q. Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q. How many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

    Q. What happened then?
    A. He told me, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
    Q. Did he kill you?

    Q. Isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about until the next morning?

    Q. She had three children, right?
    A. Yes.
    Q. How many were boys?
    A. None.
    Q. Were there any girls?

    Q. You say the stairs went down?
    A. Yes.
    Q. Did they go up as well?

    Q. Where was your honeymoon?
    A. Europe.
    Q. And you took your new wife?

    Q. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

    Q. Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A. The autopsy started at 8.30pm.
    Q. And Mr. Dennington was dead?
    A. No, he was sitting up wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

    Q. Doctor, before you performed the the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A. No.
    Q. Did you check for breathing?
    A. No.
    Q. So it is possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A. No.
    Q. How can you be so sure?
    A. Because his brain was in a jar on my desk.
    Q. But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A. It is possible he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

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  5. Gedguy,

    Excellent point about substance! :-)

    And I made a mistake. The State of the Union address is actually tomorrow night. Tonight is the Republican candidates' presidential debate in Florida.

    So hard to keep all these things straight.

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  6. Gedguy,

    Very funny! Loved the "voodoo".

    ReplyDelete
  7. Speaking of jokes, I ran upon this article in The Times (New York).

    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/17/world/europe/education-minister-suggests-a-yacht-for-queen-elizabeth-ii.html

    I've felt bad that the Queen has been yachtless since 1997. I have a copy of the picture of the Queen actually shedding a public tear on the occasion of the decommissioning of HMY Britannia that year.

    The joke of course is that such a Jubilee present could never be purchased with public funds. But No.10's suggestion that such a thing might be financed by private largess can work. A big ship is a great way for a seafaring power to show the flag. Akin to the American President's TWO airplanes, each of which is about as large as the White House, plastered with "UNITED STATES OF AMERICA" and the Stars and Stripes visible a half mile away. Makes a BIG geopolitical splash in third world countries. ;-)

    And when the President needs to buy things that taxpayers would never tolerate....such as half million dollar china services for the White House, presidential portraits, the Presidential Libraries and Museums, etc, it's always private donations from political fat cats which fund them.

    Sounds like it could work in the case of a new yacht. Can you do less for Her Majesty on the occasion of her Diamond Jubilee? ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ah Danny... I assume Munguin readers to have razor sharp intellects and knowledge of everything from Baseball to the uses of Zirconium Dioxide.

    I have to say that I am sometimes (although not often) disappointed.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh I meant to say too, that I had completely forgotten about the State of the Union, but I did know it was about this time of year that it is done...

    As for either of them having much in the way of substance, I suppose it depends on one's definition of substance. ;¬))

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ged: Excellent jokes... I loved that last one... 'It is possible he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.' Brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Danny,

    We could do more for the queen but I think 'that' would be against the law.

    ReplyDelete
  12. It's a well established scientific fact that man-eating sharks will not eat a lawyer who happens to have the misfortune to fall overboard. Why?
    "Professional Courtesy"

    It's a well established scientific fact the cannibals will not eat clowns. Why?
    "They taste funny."

    ReplyDelete
  13. Gedguy,

    I take your point. :-))

    Of course the Queen must be discreet in expressing her opinions. But Philip as I recall was rather put out by the politicians taking away his wife's yacht.

    ReplyDelete
  14. The Royal Yacht (sponsored by Coca Cola and Barclay: Please do not board with Pepsi Cola about your person, or any Credit Card other than a Barclay Card: Terms and Conditions may apply).

    Danny, I take your point about a great sea faring nation, but in reality we have far more admirals than we have ships, and although we shall shortly be having our own aircraft carriers, at present we don't and have to ask the French (with whom our idiot prime minister has fallen out) to borrow theirs.

    When eventually we DO have an aircraft carrier, indeed two, we won't have any aircraft to put on them, so I'm not sure from whom we can borrow them. Maybe the Luxembourgers? I know if we get them from America we'll have to pay for them for the next 60 years!

    The estimated cost of £60 million really won't buy anything very impressive, and although it will be better than a rowing boat, I don't see it impressing anyone.

    Allegedly this is Charlie's idea. He looked around for a particularly awed and terminally stupid Cabinet Minister (and found him in Gove) to suggest that this would be a good idea, presumably knowing that at the rate anything gets done here, he will be king by the time it's launched and will be all his and Queen Cammy's.

    After all, the Jubilee is already on us, indeed a month of it has gone (and it's only lasting 6 months anyway, so as not to overshadow England's games).

    Typical British planning. It should have been started 10 years ago

    Speaker of the Commons:

    May it please your Majesty to accept from grateful people (well a couple of very rich Lords) this Yacht Elizabeth I of Scotland and Northern Ireland and II of England and Wales...

    Queen: Thank you Mr Speaker. Where is it?


    Speaker: erm well, Ma'am, it's not quite finished yet...that is to say it's... erm not even started. But it will be ready in time for your Platinum or Oak Jubilee, Ma'am!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Tris,

    I love your take on the presentation ceremony to Her Majesty.

    As for Charles actually being the one who gets to USE the yacht, it reminds me of the purchase of the last two presidential airplanes. These WERE purchased with public funds, and we already had a perfectly good smaller one, so the politics of the thing was a little dicey. It was finally settled that Ronald Reagan would order the building of the planes, but the NEXT president would be the first one to get to use them.

    Yes, as one of the leading arms merchants of the world, we always have all sorts of weapons for sale, but they ARE really expensive. Last I checked, we have two new aircraft carriers building and 11 in operation. And the new ones cost more than $6 billion each.

    But there's a lot to be said for having a big ship or two like that. People are less inclined to mess with you. For some time, Iran has been telling the US Navy to stay out of the Persian Gulf. When the supercarrier USS Abraham Lincoln led a floatilla of American, French, and British ships into the Strait of Hormuz ("without incident", the 5th Fleet said) Iran issued statments to the effect that it was all "routine activity"....so it's OK....LOL.

    The picture in the Telegraph gives some indication of what the Abraham Lincoln would look like to the Iranian navy. No wonder they changed their mind.

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/middleeast/iran/9031392/Britain-US-and-France-send-warships-through-Strait-of-Hormuz.html

    ReplyDelete
  16. A Jack Lemon "actor's joke" from YouTube.

    It took a minute, but I finally got it.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UadPlHytd74

    ReplyDelete
  17. Answering machine message at Psychiatric hospital in Ireland.

    “Hello caller

    If you have a Compulsive Psychosis - Press button 1 until you have a finger spasm

    If you have a Split Personality - Press buttons 2 and 3 at the same time.

    If you suffer from Paranoia – We already know who you are, what you do and what you want, so stay online until we find out where you are calling from.

    If you suffer from Hallucinations – Press the 7th button on the pink telephone beside you which you, and only you, can see.

    If you are a Schizophrenic - Get your imaginary friend to press button 8.

    If you suffer from Depression – It doesn’t matter which button you press; your case is hopeless and we can’t help you.

    If you suffer from Chronic Amnesia – Quickly press buttons 1,4,2,7,8,3,9,4,6,5 and leave your personal details of your name, mobile number, home telephone number, social security number, e-mail address, bank account details and you great grandmother’s maiden name.

    If you suffer from Indecision –Leave a message before, during or after the signal.

    If you suffer from Short Term Memory loss – then press button 6
    If you suffer from Short Term Memory loss – then press button 6
    If you suffer from Short Term Memory loss – then press button 6
    If you suffer from Short Term Memory loss – then press button 6

    If you suffer from Pathological Greed – Then please be aware that this call is costing you €500 per minute.

    If you suffer from Low Self esteem – Then please call back later as all our operatives are busy with more important people.

    ReplyDelete
  18. These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian tourism website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie.

    Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
    A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

    Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
    A: Depends how much you've been drinking

    Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
    A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

    Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
    A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

    Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
    A: Let's not touch this one.

    Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
    A: What did your last slave die of?

    Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
    (USA)
    A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does
    not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

    Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
    A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

    Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

    Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
    A: No, WE don't stink.

    Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

    Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
    A: You are a British politician, right?

    Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
    A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

    Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
    A: Only at Christmas.

    Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
    A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

    Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
    A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

    Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
    A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

    Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
    A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
    scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
    walking.

    Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
    A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

    Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
    A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Yes, Danny.

    A frightening ship. I expect we never sold them anything like that; and in any case it's over 30 years since the Shah was banished, so I guess that whatever we sold them will be rusty by now!

    Yes great joke...

    How to get all the press coverage....

    ReplyDelete
  20. The Aussie jokes are brilliant too....

    Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
    A: You are a British politician, right?...

    ...is my favourite!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Gedguy...

    I love the Australian questions. Have imported them to my joke file.

    I love the American geographical confusion of course....in fact, the American confusion about most everything. When WILL the rest of the world realize that nothing of any importance EXISTS or HAPPENS outside of the borders of the USA?

    You'll recall that a lady ran for Vice President of the United States in 2008 who thought that Africa was a country. It occurs to me just now that she was probably thinking of Australia. Or possibly Austria. Oh well, what difference would it make in Washington anyway? ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  22. PS Gedguy:

    The Psychiatric answering machine messages were great too. Also imported them!

    You have a funnier computer than I do.

    ReplyDelete
  23. If your busy, get Munguin to write a serious blog ... those of us needing a Separatist fix risk sliding back into hardline Toryism without it!!

    Some of us need the republic like dracula needs a bloodbank!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Danny,

    "When WILL the rest of the world realize that nothing of any importance EXISTS or HAPPENS outside of the borders of the USA?"

    ROFL. Sadly, as you point out, it is not too far from the truth.
    I have been collecting jokes for years.

    Tris,

    For the sake of the atheist Gods, get Munguin to write something before Dean does a slide.

    ReplyDelete
  25. LOL Danny... As Gedguy says, it's actually not far from the truth. America doesn't really need foreign news because all that is important in the world happens within its borders. Why would Sarah need to know anything about Africa? What does it matter? (Mind you she maybe took it a bit too far, in that she didn't know anything about anything at all!)

    Would you have known at all about the question of independence for Scotland, had it not been for Munguin's Republic? But if Hawaii, Texas or Alaska were wanting their independence, we'd know about it. It would take the first 10 minutes of any news programme.

    But the jokes were brilliant anyway!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Dean matey,

    You don't know what a big smile that put on my face.

    To be honest I've been sickened over the last few days by the level of debate on independence, the attacks on the SNP and Alex Salmond (all written with such depth of knowledge, too)!

    Yesterday at the gym, I was met with the accusation that where David Cameron only spent £30,000 doing up his kitchen in Downing Street, Alex Salmond is spending £10 million on Bute House!

    Except that he isn't; we aren't. Bute House doesn't belong to us. We lease it. We always have including when Labour/Liberals were in it, and when the Tories ran it from London. The building needs upgrading. Although it is suitable for purpose in most ways, the security needs updating. It may be that if a cheaper place can be found it will be found.

    And to dispel myths, it's not a lavish place for the First Minister. It was used by the UK government for a very junior cabinet minister. It is mainly offices and it contains "overnight accommodation".

    So you put a big smile on my face Dean.

    I promise I'll goad Mr Munguin into writing something... or I'll do it myself.

    We can't have you turning back to Cameronism... you'll be getting a Big Society t-shirt next!

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Tris,
    Interesting idea about the international news value of Hawaii, Texas, and Alaska. I'd like to keep Hawaii, but if Texas and Alaska ever wanted to go their own way, I'd sure sign on to that.....LOL.

    I was struck by your comment about being "sickened" by the level of political debate. I feel the same way sometimes. Just yesterday, I saw an encounter in Florida between Santorum and a woman asking a "question." She said:

    "I never refer to Obama as President Obama because legally he is not. He constantly says that our constitution is passé, and he ignores it as you know and does what he darn well pleases. He is an avowed Muslim and my question is, why isn't something being done to get him out of government? He has no legal right to be calling himself president."

    This crazy, hateful woman was talking about what can be done to get the President of the United States "out of government." This sort of thing "sickens" me too, however much I think "it's just politics." However much I know that the dirty little secrets of democracy are the lies, deceit, hypocrisy, and financial corruption of politics. But in a similar situation in the 2008 campaign, John McCain encountered a woman spouting the Muslim BS about Obama, and McCain went on to strongly defend his opponent. So sometimes a politician rises to a higher level.

    This time, the comment was directed to Santorum, and he simply replied:

    "Well look, I'm doing my best to get him out of the government right now."

    That made up my mind about Santorum. I hope that he loses. And for that matter, I hope he burns in hell.

    http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2012/01/23/santorum-ignores-charge-obama-is-a-muslim/

    ReplyDelete
  28. Sorry Danny,

    I just saw your comment... and such a good one too.

    Yeah, if I were you I'd be keen to hold on to Hawaii... Much nicer than Texas or Alaska.

    It never fails to amaze me just how completely ignorant of the facts people can be.

    When has Obama ignored the constitution?

    As far as I can see congress has never allowed him to do what he wanted.

    OMG the old Muslim number, AGAIN. Doesn't she remember his pastor who got into trouble over some racist stuff (wasn't it?) Muslims don't have pastors you silly cow!!!!

    And, even if he was an 'avowed' (???) Muslim...erm, didn't the whole reason for people going to what became "America" stem from a desire not to be told how or whom to worship? So... isn't the deal that you can worship freely whomsoever you wish in the USA? And isn't that CORE to the country's ethos?

    And yep, madame, he is the president because your chief justice (?) swore him thus. Sod all you can do about it.

    If I didn't already want Obama to win again anyway, I'd have wanted him to win, just to spite her.

    As you say, Santorum deserves to lose badly for letting that go. If that's the only way he can win, he doesn't deserve to. He has just proved himself despicable and unpresidential.

    I'd lay money on the fact that if someone said that kind of thing about HIM to the president, Mr Obama would renounce it, just as Mr McCain did.

    ReplyDelete