YES SIR MISTER PRESIDENT SIR (YOU DO STILL CARE DON'T YOU?.... PLEASE...OH PLEASE.......)

It appears from the cables to Washington of the American ambassador and his deputy, that Britain has been sickeningly creepy in their subservience to America and positively paranoid about the imagined fragility of the imagined special relationship.

As I listened to the commentators on radio this morning, I was reminded of early teenage romance and the insecurity it brings; the constant attention to any sign of a cooling from the tenor of a text message to a smile at a potential rival.

So it has been, particularly since Barack Obama entered the White House, with Number 10 and its paramour.

One cable said the British fawning "would often be humorous if it were not so corrosive". They were tempted to take advantage of it to "make London more willing to respond favourably when pressed for assistance".

Another said that Britain would give "unparalleled" help for America to satisfy its aims.... (like go to war; arrange for dossiers to be “dodgy”; tell lies to parliament?)

The British attitude was described elsewhere as neurotic. On taking up the presidency Mr Obama returned the bust of Churchill that Tony Blair had lent George Bush. It was seen as a snub by the UK, whereas in fact, it was Mr Obama being polite enough to return something that President Bush had forgotten. Britain worried that in a speech listing his allies Mr Obama mentioned France and Germany before Britain causing the FCO the heartache that only a spurned teenager knows.

Brown was largely seen as unstable and presiding over a government that lurched from disaster to disaster. (Tell us something we didn’t know.) Cameron and Osborne were seen as shallow, lacking a grasp on political reality and only interested in short term political gain for their party. Fox promised a very pro-American arms procurement plan and said he would deal with those in the party who were against it (Ha ha ha. As if Fox could deal with squat!) Hague went into raptures over how every British PM soon “learns of the essential nature of the relationship with America. We want a pro-American regime. We need it. The world needs it." He might have continued that the universe needed it and prostrated himself before the Ambassador promising eternal devotion. (You’ll remember that almost before he had sat down at his desk in the FCO he was on a plane to America to do some heavy-duty creeping.

What I find particularly disturbing is a lengthy dispatch from the Deputy Head of mission stating: "The UK's commitment of resources: financial, military, diplomatic, in support of US global priorities remains unparalleled; a UK public confident that the USG values those contributions and our relationship, matters to US national security.

"Britain's willingness to invest in expensive weaponry is a key part of the so-called special relationship. The UK's annual military budget is running at £37billion. "

So now we know why we live in poverty, our roads and railways are third world and care of children and old people amongst the worst in Europe. It appears that if we don’t overspend on military equipment the US will stop going out with us.

This brings to mind the series of leaks and angry statements from one of the two “lightweights” when Fox was trying to keep military spending high despite dramatic cuts elsewhere. One telephone call to the Prime Minister from Mrs Clinton and lo, Osborne was overruled.

People worry about the EU’s influence over the UK. I worry far more about the fact the it only takes one phone call from Washington for our policy to be changed overnight in an embarrassing prime ministerial u-turn.

How does it feel to be the 51st state; the one right after Hawaii?

Pics: (1) Who the hell is that guy over there with the polished face? He come to sell me a car? (2) Listen up Cameron. Increase military spending otherwise you’re NOT on a promise. (3) Ohhhhhh I say matron. (4) Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, do you like my baseball cap? Should I wear it the other way round? D’yall thank it makes me look lak a reeeeeeal cool American dude?