PATRONISING DRIVEL FROM DOUGIE

This article appeared in the Daily Record. It was so pathetic and ridiculous, I couldn't help taking it apart. Sorry it's so long.  

Must do better Dougie, you patronising git.

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IF it ain't broke, don't fix it. With those words, US president Barack Obama explained to me his view on our referendum when I met him in Washington this week. (Just a hint of pride there Dougie? As I said to the king...)

OMG, what an important person you must be Dougie
I see you managed to bump Harry into third place

I had travelled to the US capital with Labour leader Ed Miliband (who? Oh yeah, thanks for explaining who he was), to hold meetings with the president and his team at the White House.

The backdrop to our discussion was the tragic downing of Malaysian Airlines flight MH17, the continuing conflict in eastern Ukraine and the suffering engulfing Gaza. (Yes, because you have such influence of affairs of state in the Caucuses, so clearly Obama couldn't wait to consult you and Ed about it, right?)

Together with Susan Rice, the president’s national security adviser, we talked through these immediate troubles facing our world today and discussed how our two countries could continue to cooperate to meet these challenges. (Well, I suppose that’s fair enough. How you co-operate usually, Dougie, is you agree with every word Mr Obama says, then you drop a curtsey and say “thank you sir”. As you and Mr Cameron see eye to eye on virtually everything, I doubt Barack noticed that it was you two, and not Dave and the long faced one with the personality deficit.)

It was a wide-ranging and free-flowing exchange, covering everything from these current crises to the need to tackle climate change in the decades ahead. (OH, aren't you important. Remind me to bow the next time I'm in the same room as you.)

But of course, as a Scottish MP, there was also one other issue I was keen to discuss with President Obama – the choice that we as Scots will all face on September 18. (LOL. You were keen to discuss with the president? Why? It’s nothing to do with him and whilst he’s entitled to his opinion, it’s no more important than that some wee woman living in a wood hut in Cambodia. But still you got to write about it in the paper, and I suppose every little bit helps in these hard times till the 11% pay rise comes along.)

Oh, there you are again in another room with the president

When I asked him his views, the president leaned back, and with a smile responded: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” (Love the literary style by the way.  Really classy. Soooo. It’s not broke? There are people who are working a full week and yet being directed to food banks; 4% of Dundee’s population to use a local figure. Vast numbers of children are living in poverty, Atos and IDS have killed off thousands of people by denying them benefit, Prince William is getting a new helicopter so he can get back from opening things in time to see wee George to bed; the NHS is being privatised and sold off in England, with consequential for Scotland; MPs have voted themselves 11% pay rise while the rest of us are getting none, or 1%; hundreds of elderly Scots die every year from cold related illness… I could go on, but are you getting the picture? Incidentally, Dougie, when was the last time any of your family went through the indignity of going to a food bank to beg for food?)

Of course he understands that the referendum on September 18 is a choice for us as Scots but as he spoke, it became clear that he believes we really are better together as part of the UK family. (On what exactly does he base that "knowledge". You do know that he's probably not even been to Scotland and knows very little about it, right?)

As a hugely admired progressive president, Obama knows and understands the modern world and its challenges. (I read his ratings were at an all-time low.)

Perhaps more than any other modern political leader, Barack Obama embodies the idea that diversity is strength.  (Against whom are you comparing him, or was that just a sound bite? Are you trying to put down for example the Icelandic prime minister who would welcome an independent Scotland, or the European president who doesn't want to see Scotland left out?)

Nationalism is not his creed. (Yes it is really. The United States is the Greatest Country under God, remember. They are fiercely nationalistic and proud.)

Unlike some others, he has no illusions about President Putin. (Are you trying to drag up that old story about Alex Salmond and Putin? It was discredited a long time ago. You're supposed to be a statesman. Say what you mean.  Silly innuendos are for gossip merchants at the water cooler.)

He thinks Labour has a chance at the next elections
Oh well, whatever. We won't notice the difference,
but he'll get a massive pay rise

I believe his views on our referendum will be welcomed here in Scotland, not least because millions of us here also don’t want to walk away from the UK. (Millions of us do, though, otherwise a person of your import wouldn't be writing articles about it and your mate Gordon wouldn't be trying to scare the living daylights out of the sick.)

At this time of year, tens of thousands of Scots are abroad for their summer holiday. (The lucky ones that aren't down the food bank?)

As part of the UK, we don’t just have a British passport (we have an EU passport) – we also have over 14,000 staff working in 267 diplomatic posts across the world to help us in times of difficulty. (You actually have all the staff in all the embassies in the European Union working for you. You probably find consular help easy to get Dougie, you being a VIP. Not so easy for others, though, I assure you. You are usually better placed to go to another consulate.)

We live in a world where what happens outside Scotland affects our prosperity, security, and wellbeing. As part of the UK, we’re a member of the EU, NATO, the G7, the G20, the board of the IMF and the World Bank, and are one of the five permanent members of the United Nations Security Council. (And what does all that do for me, Dougie? We know what it does for you. You get to ponse about mentioning over and over that you had a chat with Barack Obama. But for me, or Auld Mrs McTumpshie down the road, what does any of that mean? It means going to war when America tells us to, regardless of the legality; it means supporting America in the G8 and Nato and UN. Very soon the UK will be out of the EU. And, all this clout you talk about…when are we ever going to see any examples of it actually working? Mr Juncker one, was it?)

As a Scottish MP, I led the British Government’s work to tackle global poverty. I saw how Scottish sailors on Clyde-built warships helped to deliver vital humanitarian assistance thanks to the second-biggest aid budget in the world, directed by life-saving Scots based in East Kilbride. (Wait a minute, that wasn't because you were a Scottish MP. Anyway, you were tackling world poverty? Is it getting any better? Why were warships delivering aid? Wouldn’t it be cheaper to deliver aid without all the guns and killing? And why are we arming Putin (whom some seem to admire, according to you) and Israel? Did you discuss that with the president?)

Just an ordinary bloke like you or me
No tie. You can hardly believe that he has been
in the same rooms as the president

As Scots, we've always been outward looking. My grand-parents were missionaries in China. Scottish sailors travelled the globe and our engineers powered the Empire. (The Empire? That was such a good socialist thing, right? When Brits took other people’s lands and their resources and gave them the right to be British and worship Queen Vic? Labour liked the Empire?)

Indeed, in the past, Glasgow was known to many as the Second City of the Empire. This week, all of us will celebrate as Glasgow becomes the First City of the Commonwealth. (At the time it was the second city of the empire, there were very rich people who did very well, and most of the rest of the town lived in grinding poverty. Have you been to the people’s museum on Glasgow Green?)

So as I left the meeting at the White House, I reflected on the president’s words. (As you do when you leave the White House.) Most of us talk to friends before we make a big decision in our lives. (You asked the president, your friend, for advice?) 

As a friend of Scotland and the UK, President Obama offers wise advice ahead of the referendum. As Scots, it’s our time to welcome the world, not retreat from it. (That's what we'll be doing, instead of having it done for us by London.)

And that’s why on September 18, I’ll be voting No. (Well it wouldn't do to ask the president for advice and then ignore it?  You know what, Dougie. As I didn;t ask Barack for advice, I’ll be voting yes because of food banks and poverty and unfair social security, and nuclear weapons and illegal wars and inequality and starvation and the fact that you lot at Westminster have your heads so far up your backsides you never see any of us or our problems.  You vote No for your big fat salary and free visits to Washington, for imagined clout and for expenses, for self importance and two homes and because you clearly don’t give a flying whatsit about any of us.)