Friday, 20 June 2014

PREPARE TO MEET THINE END

The UK government announced a  little while ago that people will no longer be obliged to buy an annuity with the money they get from their pension funds.

This presumably means that they can blow the lot on a Porsche, a round-the-world cruise, or a regular good time with Fifi le Malmal (2nd floor left, knock twice).

The downside of that, of course is that when it's done, it's done... and you wouldn't want to have to exist on a British state pension, given that it is the lowest in the developed world after Mexico.

So the pensions minister, in a desperate bid to keep down with the rest of the Work and Pension low life in the Tory government, has decided to tell you when you can expect to die.

Yes, when you retire you will get your pension book, your bus pass and details of when you can expect to quit this life, Steve Webb, who used to be a Liberal, bless him, has announced.

So, although you will get a more accurate forecast on your retirement date, when Mystic Steve pops round to see you with his crystal balls, Munguin has thoughtfully provided you will a rough idea of when you can expect to pop your clogs, so that you can plan not to be a burden on Gidiot Osborne. 

As you can see people in Scotland don't do too terribly well out of this, but the good news is that they can spend all their money faster than those poor people in the South of England who are going to have to make the niggardly amount last longer.

Our worry is that people in Northern Ireland must be expected to die on their 65th birthday... In which case Munguin's advice to them is spend it all on your credit card and take out massive loans the year before you are due to retire, and leave someone else to sort it out.

I was wondering, If Mystic Steve gets it wrong, and you last another few weeks... will you be able to claim social security?

Joking aside... Have you ever heard of anything so crass?

28 comments:

  1. Good heavens I have used up seven nearly already, so 12 to go, no, sorry I intend to be much more of a nuisance for a lot longer than that, or as I retired as was my right at 60 do I get another five years?
    When Hubby retired they gave him one or two suggestions, none other than taking it as pension made any sense. So I do hope all the rest of them who took the larger lump sum and smaller pension are not regretting it now.
    Though some of them may have popped their clogs by now given the death rate here.

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    Replies
    1. Helena

      well thanks to good old Gideon i gets all cash next april 25% tax free
      whoopee how happy am i Dreams do come true !!!!

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    2. Yes, you're alright. You get another 5 (because they are taking retirement at 65, and then because you retired at 60 and had 5 years of less stress, you might get another couple.

      But you can call up the Mystic Stevie chat line for confirmation. I think the number is 666.

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    3. Well Niko, don't spend it all in one taverna, tempting though it is. My Family normally make 80 ish though my youngest Great Aunt got into her nineties. She was the one I always wanted to emulate, great sense of fun and a wonderful dressmaker. So that is where I am aiming, got two pensions, one I have had since I was 52, how you like that?

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  2. tris


    I think you will find the smokers and drinkers have even less of
    a lifetime after 65................plus is they will get higher paid annuity's .

    makes sense for southerners to retire to Scotland get bigger annuitys
    cheaper housing free health care ...........more rain

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    Replies
    1. Or run away to Cyprus with their fat bank account.

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    2. You're right there Niko, although when Eck said he wanted to boost the population I don't think he meant with retired colonels from the south of England and their memsahibs.

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    3. I wonder what the life expectancy is in Cyprus.

      Mind you, Niko is just a spring chicken. He's retiring at 32.

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  3. Ooooooh cutting.

    Funny though.

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  4. I've phoned the undertaker............... :(

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    Replies
    1. Oh dear... Can you hang on until September Marcia? We need your vote...

      :()

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    2. Well done to Derek for highlighting this. And to Celtic for paying £5,000 a month rent on their behalf.

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    3. I agree that all credit to Celtic on there support as they should be commended but I am utterly disgusted by Labour and those who support them sadly protected by the MSM based in Pacific Quay.

      They tide has definitely turned in favour of Indy which is why the media is trying to discredit Wings to cover up its total incompetence in its coverage of the referendum. I see Caron is trying to take the moral high ground over on LibDem Voice the charlatan who phoned up Any Questions in support of A.Carmichael a few weeks ago omitting that she is a hard line activist for the LibDems and part of the inner circle.

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    4. ch

      Not sure where this imaginary tide actually is perhaps you could show us......in some sort of reality not a nat swivel eyed delusion..

      Mark Diffley of Ipsos MORI told a conference of accountants in Edinburgh this week that the No camp has a 60-40 lead in its latest poll which is largely unmoved from two-and-a-half years ago.

      http://www.scotsman.com/news/politics/top-stories/scottish-independence-economic-case-won-darling-1-3451927


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    5. Since you link to the Hootsman Niko iwhose share price is falling daily sums up the argument.

      As to the polls I believe the media was saying that Scotland and rhe rUK had little difference in opinions over Trident yet when the tables came out that submarines not Trident based submarines was asked in Scotland which is a completely different scenario especially when everyone above the Great Glen was not asked because of cost.

      Polls give a snapshot of trends nothing more and your ignoring of how Labour are treating the poor and hungry says more about your own self serving indulgence than anything else, the Torys seem to be your natural friends.

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    6. Some people believed the polls in 2011 that had Labour winning by a mile.

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    7. Caron would support the very devil if he said he was a Liberal.

      Nick Clegg has done now wrong and Willie Rennie is a political giant according to her.

      I've not looked at her blog in a long time since she said I couldnt refer to someone as a cretin, when he was clearly a cretin, refused to put up my post and spoke to me like I was an errant schoolboy.

      But I shouldn't imagine she's changed from the good old days.

      I do sometimes wonder what she made of the lord with the wandering hands... and a name like a fox, who refused to apologise to the women he had perved over until such time as he realised it was the only way back into the club...

      Or the ex MP blokey who looked a bit like Dumbledore and liked vulnerable women... allegedly of course... and who was too ill to go to parliament but managed to swan off on some taxpayer funded junket.

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    8. Yes marci...and look what happened to them.

      I'll never forget the look on Lamont's face. I had to hide the milk!

      Even in the next room it turned sour.

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  5. Replies
    1. LOL... Thay boys on that bus always attract a big crowd...wherever they go... about the same numbers too.

      Amazing how many of them look so similar.

      Bet they don't half get fed up of Jim's voice.

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    2. Said yesterday on Wings, we are the crowd funders, they are the crowd finders. Maybe we should ask if the "ordinary punter" might like his face blanked out in case of problems. We would not like to insult anyone, well not unless he is called Niko.

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  6. Tris

    The current crop of politicians make me sick to my stomach. I hate the UK like no other. This country really is the scum of the earth, how can anyone think of voting no for this shit.

    Bruce

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  7. Tris

    The current crop of politicians make me sick to my stomach. I hate the UK like no other. This country really is the scum of the earth, how can anyone think of voting no for this shit.

    Bruce

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    Replies
    1. Well Bruce we agree yet again. How can you vote for people who treat you like the ordure on their shoes. I still think the polls are being manipulated, and if they are not careful they could over play their hand. They are wanting people to vote against something and if these people think the NO vote is winning they may not turn out.

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  8. Why does that picture of Carmichael remind me of Selwyn Froggett?

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