IF EWE COMES HEAR YOUS MAST LARNE INGLUSH

When I heard that the Prime Minister, who cut money for English language learning a few years ago, decided to reinstate it (albeit for a limited number of people) I thought it was a step in the right direction. Of course restricting your funding to Muslim women is, to put it mildly, discriminatory, but it is a start. It could and should be opened up to anyone who wants to learn the language, and preferably some of the culture and customs... the real ones, not the "Great British values" crap that they churn out.

I've always been a firm believer that if you go to live in another place you learn their language and understand and respect, if not follow, their customs. (Clearly there are some customs that you MUST respect on pain of punishment!)

That's probably made a lot easier if the country you go to makes an effort to help you integrate by teaching the language and culture. To my knowledge Finland and Iceland run language and culture classes. I suspect many other countries do the same. It makes sense. That's probably why the Brits cut funding for the classes.

Even if you do not intend to work in your new country (maybe because you are a house person, or because you are past retirement age), learning the language not only makes sense for your personal enjoyment of what the country has to offer in respect of cinema, theatre, television, newspapers, etc, it is also a responsibility that you owe the country. Why should, for example, doctors, dentists, and other officials, learn your language in their own country.

I've long been a strong proponent of this (not least because I'm a trained language teacher, and there might be some lucrative work for me in it).

Of course when Cameron proposes anything, one is naturally suspicious. What is his motivation? Is it good? Highly unlikely.

So how, I wondered, would Mr Cameron deliver these lessons? Would it be done by a government education service or would it be farmed out to Capita, of court room translation farce fame; G4S of Olympics, or child detention renown, or Atos of the failed medicals and resultant disastrous deaths?

Would the people they employed actually have any great knowledge of English? Or would they be as out of their depth in language as Atos were in medicine; or as G4S are in security? And would they set targets and use them to repatriate people because the examiner didn't speak the language too well, just as some of the Atos examiners didn't recognise a dying man?

Would there be exceptions made for very elderly people, or people with hearing problems, learning difficulties, etc?

Would native Brits who can barely communicate sentiently be subjected to the same test?

All this is yet to be revealed and of course it may all work out nicely. Sometimes even a Tory government must get things right. Mustn't they? Hmmm...

But if the first steps are anything to go by, the Home office has lived down to all our expectations. As you can see, by their own very low standards, Theresa May should be sent back to wherever she came from. Well then, something good has come out of it...

This blog is the first to admit to the occasional spelling mistake, but this blog is not the British government, neither is it demanding English language proficiency in others... or as the Home Office would have it English "Langauge" proficiency!

Must do better! 

YOU'VE HEARD OF THE TEA PARTY?

WELL THIS IS THE HAMILTON LABOUR TEA-CAKE PARTY

This, ladies and gentlemen, I am reliably informed, is a bunch of Labour canvassers in Hamilton, who have the notion that the best way to win votes in a local by-election is to go around with a box of Tunnock's tea cakes. (If this some sort of a bribe, then I think I'd want something more than a tea cake?)

When I saw it my first reaction was that it was a set up. But apparently not.

The Lady in the black coat and red scarf is a local councillor. Her name is Monica Lennon and she is a hopeful for a list seat in Holyrood in May. 

It didn't work, as Scot Goes Pop's post on the results shows:

SNP 42.9% (+2.5)

Labour 33.6% (-9.4)

Conservatives 18.5% (+8.4)

Greens 3.3% (+0.2)

Liberal Democrats 1.8% (n/a)

Some weeks ago there was a social media storm about Tunnocks marketing their product as "British" rather than the "Scottish" they had always been. Some people got bent out of shape at this, probably not so much because of the act itself, but the management's explanation behind it, which was (in my humble opinion) ill-advised.

"We could have said Scottish, but then you are promoting Scotland. We're British", said Boyd Tunnock, the 82 year old boss of the company who campaigned for a NO vote in the referendum. 

The marketing was intended to tie in with the Great British Bake-off theme, which was sweeping the country at the time, and from a business point of view might have been a reasonably good idea, although when I lived in England, "Scottish Produce" was a sure-fire way of selling your stuff.

Whatever. I claim no great knowledge in the matter of sales promotion, and I'm sure their people do, but Mr Tunnock's statement certainly sounded anti-Scottish and it got under the skin of some folk here who set up an online boycott campaign.

It was a storm in a tea cup, if you'll pardon the phrase. 

I say if Tunnocks offends you by marketing itself as British in England, then stop buying their products. There are many other brands of tea cake, just as good, and in some cases better and much cheaper.

The lesson though seems to be not to use tea cakes as a political stick with which you can beat your opponents. People really don't seem to care that much.

THE UK GOVERNMENT IS INVOLVED IN THIS...

WARNING: SOME OF THESE PICTURES ARE HEARTBREAKING. DON'T READ ON IF YOU FIND IMAGES OF DEAD CHILDREN TOO DISTURBING

Her parents killed and her house blown up, so she sleeps on the street.

A couple of days ago on the Today Programme on Radio 4, Sarah Montague asked David Cameron about the war in Yemen.

She pointed out the enormous quantity of British arms that were being sold to Saudi to use in their war, that British advisers were training their military and that British personnel were in the control rooms advising as missiles were launched at targets in Yemen.

She also mentioned that among the buildings bombed was a Médecins Sans Frontières hospital.

Well done, you morons, you blew up an aid lorry.

Cameron didn't answer the question, of course. He never does, but he doesn't have to. He waffled for a while about the need to protect the democratically elected legitimate government of that country. Because of course Saudi likes its neighbours to have democratically elected governments!

Of course, as the most important country in the world, bar none, it is Britain's job to ensure democracy is upheld everywhere on Earth except, strangely, in Britain, where no mention had been made in parliament of their troops' involvement in this war. That's a bit odd in a democracy, isn't it?

But these days fewer and fewer of the laws that are passed in the "mother of parliaments" is actually discussed and voted on in the elected chamber. 

Someone discovered  statutory instruments, and is now busily putting them to use. It's even more fun than the Privy Council.

And this was a factory that made insulin. There are no other manufacturers in the country. Diabetics will now die.
 Bravo!

As so little is known about the war in Yemen, I thought we should share some photographs of the misery and, I imagine, war crimes, that the UK is currently involved in... and no one knows much about.

A police station. Full of policemen. Dead ones.

Your average day.

Downtown, where all the lights are bright.
Because everything is being blown up.

Dazed.

Helpless.

Starving to death.

...or dead...

...by the dozens

I'm so ashamed. I'm so disgusted. We must get away from these barbarians.

Better Together UKOKs up its finances

In a statement the Electoral Commission said that Better Together failed to supply invoices for £57,000, or 5% of its expenditure.

That's pretty damning for an organisation headed up by the former Chancellor of the Exchequer! 

Or....on the other hand, maybe not. 

I seem  to remember that Alistair was a little muddled over money when he held that post, managing to claim expenses for a flat he let out...

And wasn't it he who managed to claim for four different houses in four years?

Indeed did the Telegraph not suggest that he had been accused of having his fingers in the till?

Oh, and didn't he hire an accountant at our expense to make sure he didn't overpay his taxes? The Chancellor of the Exchequer needed an accountant to make sure he didn't overpay his taxes. Pretty unbelievable?

In fact, did Nick Clegg not call for him to resign over his expenses? (You remember Nick Clegg don't you?)

And still they left Alistair in charge of the organisation and expected it to work out right?

I suppose it shouldn't be a huge surprise either that, when Women for Independence, an organisation on the YES side, lost some money (the £30,000 totally rubbished by Wings), it made the front page lead of the Record, but the loss of £57,000, as noted by the Electoral Commission, doesn't get a whisper... 

It reminds me of the £10,000 that is went missing from an Edinburgh Labour constituency, which got a little coverage on inside pages, even though the constituency in question is that of the leader...

The Scottish Press peeps... what can we say?

WHAT A TEAM THEY WOULD MAKE

WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF "BENEFITS"?

US AND THEM: ALL IN IT TOGETHER

JUST FOR A LAUGH

WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER

What do you expect from such simple creatures!?

Their last name stays put.

The garage is all theirs.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

They can be President.

They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell them the truth.

The world is their urinal.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

People never stare at their chest when they're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

They know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

They can open all their own jars.

They get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Their underwear is $6.95 for a six pack.

Everything on their face stays its original color.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

They don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

They almost never have strap problems in public.

They are unable to see wrinkles in their clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

They don't have to shave below their neck.

Their belly usually hides their big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

They can "do" their nails with a pocketknife.

They have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

They can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. 

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice. 

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?" 

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred." 

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!" 

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" 

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house." 

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." 

"And what happened?" 

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." 

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?" 

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." 

There is a long pause. 

"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?" 

A guy walks into a bar and noticed three pieces of meat hanging off the ceiling. He asks the bartender why they are there, the bartender replies “if you can jump up and slap the meat you get free drinks for the rest of the night, however if you miss you have to pay for everyone’s drinks for the next hour. Wanna try it?” The guy says “Nah the steaks are too high” 

SOPPY SUNDAY (on Saturday)

1.

2.

3.

4: Finland.

5. All dressed up...with somewhere to go?

6: Isle of Skye.

7: Norway.

8.

9.

10.

11.

`12.

13.

14: This poor fella got struck by lightning.
The lightning probably came off worse.

15: Traffic chaos on Jura.

16: British Columbia.

17.

18: Japan.

19.