Cameron's new slogan is about a country living within its means. What could go wrong?

I mean, what could possibly go wrong with a nice sensible slogan that suggests the country should live within its means....? 

Well Murphy's law states that what CAN go wrong WILL go wrong (OK, we know, but that's a laugh for another day) and after Die Straße in Deutschland, you'd have though that someone with the most expensive qualifications money can buy, in England, would have thought twice before spouting off... after all something might go wrong...

Like this, for a start. I mean, no one expects Mrs Mountbatten to get take visitors to McDonald's, or get the Co-op in to do something like Auntie Jessie's funeral tea, but come on, Liz, for a country with £1,500,000,000,000 of debt, this could hardly be said to be living within our means. 

Canapés and a glass of Asti Spumanti from Tesco at £32 a case is enough, surely, to stop them getting dehydrated.

Then there's this little beauty of a £13 million ski lodge being bought for Airmiles Andrew, perhaps in the hopes that he'll spend a little less time with teenage girls. No one knows how Billy Bunter and his ex wife could afford the money, given that she is permanently broke and pimping herself (or him) for cash, and he hasn't any money of his own, given that he spends everything he gets and has to get his mates to bail out the ex!

So the assumption has to be that his mother is forking out for it... and where does she get her money, remind me?

We should never forget that we are still punching well above our weight militarily. You'll remember how proud of that Cameron was when he came to Scotland to tell us that we wouldn't be able to afford to do that if we were independent. Assuming presumably that we'd all turned into public school oinks with an Empire fixation and would therefore want to!

We need to take into consideration too the replacement of the Nuclear Weapons that Blair admitted were only for show and prestige. That's £100,000,000,000 and counting. Heaven forbid we would lose any prestige. I simply couldn't stand the embarrassment, darling!

Of course we could also make a small saving here and there on Mr Pickles travelling expenses. His expenditure on private hire of cars has mounted to £500,000 in the last three years. What the hell has he been doing? Taking a world tour? 

It seems Mr Pickles doesn't like public transport. Or maybe it doesn't like him!

Still, the comforting news for Mr Cameron at least is that the English Health Service is cutting the number of cancer drugs that will be available to the public. That should put us back on the straight and narrow. It's pretty rotten news for English cancer patients but that's unlikely to concern that government much.

I'm sure too, that Her Majesty will ensure that we don't waste any precious money paying the fines of errant, elderly, overweight, playboys who enjoy over active sexual appetites.

TIME FOR ANDREW TO STAND DOWN

Prince Andrew is the British Trade Ambassador. He receives no salary for this post but is paid around £250,000 by his mother from her expenses for, well being her son. In addition he does have expenses and travel costs paid for his role as trade ambassador, and these have amounted to over £4 million in the last 10 years.

It has always been dubious whether Andrew was a suitable person for the job, and whether it was right that he inherited the duties from his uncle Prince Edward of Kent. Andrew’s background is naval; he has had no business experience at all and it is thought that the only advantage to the UK is having him in this post, is his title. In short people the world over will turn up to meet a royal and he will always be accompanied on his trips with people who actually know about business.

However there have been more and more calls recently for a review of his role given his somewhat irresponsible behaviour and his choice of friends. He has been criticised for:

using Queen’s flights (at our expense) to travel to golf games etc;

his friendship with Kazak energy tycoon Kenes Rakishev, 29, who was said to have bought Andrew’s house for £3million more than its £12million price tag;

his recent alcohol enhanced, four letter word studded rant about corruption and “*&^%*&^” journalists who investigate it, in which he criticized the people who were trying to block the crooked Al Yamama deal, and the French, and the Americans, and just about everyone else who wasn’t British;

the fact that he insists that his daughters receive 24 x 7 royal protection, (paid for by us at the cost of over £500,000 a year) even when they wander all over the world living the high life and doing no royal duties (despite being no longer children);

his ex-wife (with whom he lives) selling meetings with him, because she is broke;

his friendship with convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein and the photograph, taken in America with his arm around an underage (there) girl, who subsequently made allegations against Epstein;

the use of his name and his friendship with the ruling family of Qatar to form a voting pact with the country, to help deliver the World Cup to England;

his hosting of a lunch at Buckingham Palace for the son in law of the Tunisian dictator just months before he was deposed;

and finally his close friendship with Saif Gaddafi and the convicted Libyan gun smuggler Tarek Kaituni.

This last one was raised in the London parliament by Shadow Trade Minister Chris Bryant, who was warned by their presiding officer to be respectful when he referred to the royals. The prime minister apparently was unaware of the friendship (he must be the only one in the country) but said he would look into it.

Now I don’t think that we should be having a go at a bloke doing a job because he has some friends that are out of fashion. After all they have been perfectly happy to do business with Libya until recently. An English company even printed their bank notes. And Tunisia wasn’t off limits either until a few weeks ago. Just because one is friendly with a criminal, does not mean one is criminal oneself, and a photograph showing a podgy 50+ man with his arm around a slim 17 year old doesn’t mean that there’s any more to it. He can’t be held responsible for Sarah Ferguson, god knows no one can. Some of the others are a little less excusable. I mean even very rich people don’t pay £3 million above the asking price for a house, without there being some quid pro quo.

But when a bloke has no expertise at a job, and his only attraction is his good name... and then he besmirches that good name, I think it’s time for him to think about retiring gracefully from the post before he causes any more embarrassment.

After all, it’s not like he’ll be another unemployed person to add to the figures. He will continue to receive his £250,000 plus accommodation, plus transport. And we may get a trade ambassador who can behave with a little decorum. Win win situation as I see it.

Pics (1) His two little princesses, literally! (2) What is it with posh folk and their clothes (especially women’s hats)? (3) Andy and his young friend. (4) And who would live here? A Tesco store?

Another Royal Scandal

Another story that is grist to the republican mill over the last few days has been that the Duke of York has been dropped in the soup by his ex wife. He faced fresh controversy over his role as British business ambassador last night after it emerged Sarah Ferguson had been caught on camera offering access to him in exchange for £500,000.

There were fears that his position as Special Representative for International Trade and Investment had been compromised. That is the sinecure job that seems to be passed from one member of the royal family to another. The previous incumbent was the Duke of Kent who passed it to Andy in 2001.

The Prince, 50, arrived in Britain yesterday after visiting Malaysia to promote industry. He is expected to meet advisers at Buckingham Palace today and also to speak to representatives of the UK Trade & Investment department, which he represents. Time for a lot of damage limitation I think.

The Duchess of York, also 50, said she was “devastated” after being filmed by the News of the World, which is owned by News International, parent company of The Times. “I very deeply regret the situation and the embarrassment caused,” she said yesterday. “It is true that my financial situation is under stress”. I see, devastated at being caught offering access to an unelected holder of a government sinecure for a few hundred thousand to beef up your personal wealth.

“However, that is no excuse for a serious lapse in judgment and I am very sorry that this has happened, she continued. I can confirm that the Duke of York was not aware or involved in any of the discussions that occurred.” Lapse in judgment? No Sarah cynical attempt to grab money from your position I think.

Undercover footage showed Sarah, suggesting that half a million pounds would “open doors” before confirming that she was referring to her former husband, who met the “most amazing people”. Claiming that she was broke, she accepted $40,000 (£27,600) in cash. She gave the reporter her bank details for future payments, adding “then you open up all the channels . . . then you meet Andrew and that’s fine. And that’s when you really open up whatever you want.”

She insisted that the Prince was “whiter than white” but also claimed to have discussed her plans with him. “Andrew said to me, ‘Tell him £500,000’. He knows that he’s had to underwrite me up to now because I’ve got no money. So if you want to meet him, look after me and he’ll look after you . . . you’ll get it back tenfold.” The newspaper added that the Prince had no knowledge of the deal. So he did know then or at least suspected.

The Duchess ignored reporters’ questions when she arrived in Los Angeles yesterday after an American Airlines flight from Heathrow at 2.15pm (10.15pm GMT). She is attending an awards ceremony organised by the children’s charity Variety.

Last night UK Trade & Investment said that the issue was a matter for Buckingham Palace and backed the Prince’s work. Stephen Alambritis, of the Federation of Small Businesses, said: “The timing of this couldn’t be worse and this whole affair may affect the ability of the Prince to clinch those vital deals. When the pound is so weak and following the recent uncertainty about the election, his job is even more important than ever.” Not that old chestnut about the Prince opening doors to investment because he is a prince is it? How do the Americans manage without a royal family to be the richest and most powerful country in the world without a load of royal hangers on to open all these doors to trade that would otherwise be slammed in republican faces? And the Chinese, and the French and the Germans. And do the Japanese royal family rush around the world prostituting themselves for a few million quid? The fact of the matter is if British expertise and goods were so good we would not need a royal salesman would we?

He urged UK Trade & Investment and the Prince’s office to show that he was “above all this”. “Intrigue is not the way we do business.” Are you joking what about the Al Yamamah arms deal that set a bench mark in terms of bribery and corruption?

Last year the Prince, nicknamed Airmiles Andy, was paid £130,000 in expenses. He does not receive a salary. This year he was criticised for using a £1 million golfing villa in Abu Dhabi.

This is the problem when you have grasping royals and their hangers on, like this. Their personal unelected influence is, and always will be a magnet for corruption.