As I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Lance Armstrong… I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.
Drive By… Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now they drive by and change the channels.
A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
Who does this remind you of?