After a barrage of threatening letters accusing her of watching TV without a licence, even after she'd rung them to confirm there was no TV in the property, a country-girl snapped and wrote this hilarious response. They promised not to send her any more letters for 2 years.
Dear TV Licensing Company,
Further to our telephone conversation, in which I stated several times that I do not own a f*****g telly, here is further confirmation of my non-TV-owning status, as clearly a telephone call in which I say “Here is my address. I don’t own a TV,” and “I don’t watch TV at my house,” and “I don’t watch TV on any devices, like an Ipad or mobile telephone,” isn’t sufficient.
Short of asking me the question again, this time with my thumbs tied to my toes, with a view to seeing if I float in water like a medieval witch, I fail to see how sending me further sinister letters will encourage me to pay a licence fee, for a TV set that I do not own.
I DO NOT OWN A TV.
I do not watch TV on any device that I personally own (although I might have picked up Downton Abbey once on my crystal ball, but that was an accident). This means that you don’t have the right to harass me, send me nasty letters or threaten to have people turn up on my doorstep, with the implication that they can not only hang around my property in vans, watching for when I enter the property for my illicit TV-watching sessions, but can legally barge into my house to search for this none-existent piece of equipment. As a lone female living in the countryside, I resent the f*** out of this. How dare you threaten me with being followed and watched. You don’t have the right to enter my property, and you don’t have the right to drive up the private road where I live to hang around listening for a TV signal, so stop sending me letters implying that you do.
I am not answering any more letters about the TV that I do not own. I am not calling you again, and I am not answering the door to anybody from your company. You do not have my permission to call me or visit me regarding the illegal, BBC2-watching orgies that do not take place on my property. If you send anybody round to enquire about the TV set that I do not own, I will consider this harassment, and set the dogs on them. They’ll probably get licked to death and forced to throw a slobbery ball a hundred times, but it’s the principle of the thing.
And finally, the latest letter that arrived was addressed to ‘Mr. Occupier’ as I stated I did not want to give you my name, despite your telephone operator’s insistence that I must. I’d like to clarify that not only do I not have a TV, but neither do I have a penis. If you’re going to pull the ‘We know where you live and we’re coming to get you!’ nonsense, you could at least issue your threats to the correct gender. ‘Mr. Occupier,’ – was your letter written by Manuel from Fawlty towers? Honestly, you’re ridiculous.
This letter is going to circulate on the Internet, probably via Facebook. There is a serious point to this letter (besides STOP HARASSING INNOCENT PEOPLE WITH NASTY LETTERS). Your company uses threats, lies and harassment techniques. They don’t bother me particularly, but they are very unpleasant and sinister, and I can’t believe they are legal.
There are plenty of people that do not own a TV, and some of them are vulnerable, because they’re old, or because they have mental health issues, or because they are physically frail or live alone. How dare you harass people with made-up threats, and then tell them that you don’t believe them.
Feel free to share this.