"Well, that's it; we're sunk the noo, chuckle, chuckle", said Alex Salmond, reported a Downing Street source.
I've just been reading Wee Ginger Dug’s hilarious evaluation
of the four so-called Labour so-called big hitters that the Tory Together team are
sending up from London to persuade us to vote for more illegal wars, more high
speed railways in England, better sewers in London, Crossrail, mass slaughter
of the disabled and sick, and humiliation of the poor, the old and the unemployed.
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| I was in a gang too. I was one of Lord Snooty's little chums |
You might think that that it’s all a rather negative message,
but I assure you, there are positives.
We are being urged, too, to vote for no pay restraint (on
bankers), Gary Barlow’s ennoblement for being a far more efficient tax fiddler
than any silly Labour comic (and living in Eton Dave’s constituency, and contributing
to Dave’s campaign).
Most of all, they are urging us to vote for “punching above
our weight” and “clout”, the small word with a big meaning, at least for those
who enjoy the benefits of it.
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Oh yum yum. I wish I were an ordinary person and
could eat food like this delicious...erm, what is it? |
The benefits of all this punching and having clout, for those that don’t know, are that,
instead of wasting money on nonsensical things like decent roads, railways, health, education, social services, pensions, housing, and all that trivia, we
get to have the fourth largest military spend in the world and our “leaders” get
to travel around, first class, sometimes even in the bed of no lesser a
personage than the President of the United States of America (although not, I
hasten to point out, at the same time as he is in it).
So it’s a hard choice… Gideon Osborne and Eton Dave Cameron,
Theresa May, and her wellies and Godzilla Carmichael, Willie “tremble Putin”
and Pinocchio Clegg all bigging
themselves up, so that we can bask in their reflected glory… or health,
welfare, decency, education, dignity in old age…
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It's kept me looking smooth and it all comes from
your lovely country |
But, to add to the excitement of these biggish hitters (you
have to read the Dug’s piece to find out who they are), today the biggest
hitter (is that the right spelling) of them all arrives in Scotland.
In their infinite wisdom, and with their usual grasp of the
general feelings of the nation’s “ordinary” citizenry (although technically within
the UK Scots are “subjects” not “citizens”), the people at BT, who brought you
such epics as Gordon Brown, Alistair Carmichael, Iain Duncan Smith, Philip
Hammond, and Dandy Alexander, have decided
that what the No Campaign needs gravitas. And who is more like the grave, fresh
from his encounter with Pedro the Jellyfish, than ETON DAVE.
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| That was a tad selfish, wasn't it? |
That’s right. Taking time out from sleeping in the President’s
bed on Airforce one, and presumably based on the recently released opinion
polls showing that he is on course for a win the next general election in the
UK, along with Nigel Farage, Dave has been persuaded that it is in the best interests
of the greatest union in the history of the universe, for him to get REALLY involved…
to actually stay in our country overnight (and not either at Balmoral, or on
his father-in-law’s Islay shooting estate!).
The pressure this time is on him to be seen with ordinary
people. Previously he has flown in for the day and spent time on a nuclear
submarine, a boardroom and an oil rig… Unfortunately they do not consider Alex
Salmond to be an “ordinary” person, so he won’t be doing any debating!
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Hm, Dave. Just a wee tip.
We don't actually speak like that in this country |
But with the new Nob Orders priority being “unpolished”
people, we can expect to see the prime minister in the real Scotland amid our
rough cut diamonds, where doubtless he will be given the rousing welcome that
he deserves.
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My names Jock McJock the Coo.
I'm the welcoming committee.
They said you didn't want to lock horns with Mr Salmond
So I'm the soft option...
My friend Pedro said you tasted of fois gras
I've never had fois gras... |
Oh how Blair Jenkins and Dennis Canavan must be rubbing their
hands with glee.
