Monday, December 24, 2012

Happy Christmas...Joyeux Noël


If you judge people, you won't have the time to get to know them
"After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless.""
Before and after the elections
"Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blond. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blond shouts, "fire!!""

I worry that Facebook is killing real communication between people
Like
"An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam,
"What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes.
She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the night to take care of them.
She will not nag, and will be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
The rest is history.

Sooooo...have a Happy Christmas everyone.... 
...Joyeux Noël à toutes et à tous

17 comments:

  1. A Merry Christmas to you and yours Tris. x

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  2. Happy Christmas Tris and Munguin. I hope you got something exciting from Santa. Like a windmill or something ;)

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  3. Thanks SR... Not too much sherry ...OK?

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  4. LOL Monty. If I get a windmill, I'll know that it's from you. Munguin, the little media mogul may branch out into green electricity, though...

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  5. I expect your bird will be overcooked - if she's read your jokes!

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  6. Ha ha anon... is that what happened to yours?

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  7. Such ethnic/racial jokes are really not a guidepost; for adequate social commentary.

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  8. What a strange use of a semi colon, Mr Mcgranor.

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  9. To cheer up the disillusioned.

    Who is the most famous married American woman?

    Mrs Sipi.

    and

    Who is the most famous American spinster?

    Miss Ouri

    I know my own way out thanks...........

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  10. Make sure you enjoy your new year Tris and Munguin! I will be sure to toast a wee Taliskar whisky to both your healths for the new year to come :)

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  11. OH Cynical... Pleazzzze... :)

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  12. Hey Dean: Thank you. Although the whisky may be a little less posh in Dundee, the sentiment from here will be every bit as sincere. :)

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  13. Ocht no! Dundee has straight access to all those LOVERLY TAYSIDE malts ;)

    Your in the richt part o the warld there .. (how is my typed Scotch accent comin on?)

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  14. ha ha CH


    ... Aye Dean, Am thinkin' ye've ariddy stertit...

    In Dundee we'd say "pairt" though... Apart (or apairt) fae thon, yer ca'in' awa fine laddie.

    Aye, Dundee micht hae access tae a they fine malts, bit Tris disnea on accoont o' him no haein' enuff money fir tae bey ony.

    He he...

    Bonne annee!

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  15. It was a 'cracker' joke tris so just wanted to share in this season of goodwill an all that.

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