I SAY, HIC, THOSE DAMNED FOREIGNERS, HIC, ARE DAMNED WELL CORRUPT, HIC

Well, as you know, I’m all for a bit of plain speaking.

As you also know, I treat myself to a good loud guffaw when politicians, who are fond of the same, forget that not everyone (including their party leaders/bosses) is quite so keen on it.

You see, I think that, whilst plain speaking is the best way to make sure that no one can possibly be in doubt as to what you mean, it can also be extremely offensive.

For example, this afternoon I was obliged because of the snow, to make use of a bus, something I almost never do in Dundee because of the horrific cost (£1.20 for a couple of bus stops that would have cost me about 10p in the car), not to mention the rude staff, awful driving, and less than agreeable company. So whilst I was being fleeced by National Express this afternoon this utterly enormous woman barged past me (a skinny wee thing) standing on my toe in the process and plonked her not inconsiderable girth onto a double seat leaving no room for anyone else. Now plain speaking would have involved the words, fat, ugly, ignorant, foot, ouch, and a few expletives. But as her rolling on me would likely have seen me confined to Ninewells Hospital (a place no one in their right mind would ever want to be) I made do with “excuse me” muttered sotto voce and smiling in her direction.

In short, there are times where plain speaking is the right thing to do, and times when, frankly, it is not. As I’ve said elsewhere Old Lard Young made a dreadful mistake pooh poohing the recession. “Some have never had it so good”, he ventured, but Nick Cameron was at least mindful of the fact that some people, whose votes he wanted badly, were hurting like hell, and it was OK for that old fool sitting there in the upper house without a thought for people who actually have to be elected. The same could be said of dear Howie (big gob) Flight, who having secured his income for the rest of his miserable, went about making poor old elected politician’s lives hell with his belly rumblings about the lower orders and their breeding habits... Ah how quickly the aristocrat forgets the ways of the ordinary man.

Now we hear about another person who won’t be too worried about losing his seat, or his job, because there ain’t gonna be any bailiffs waiting to take away his Ikea. His Royal Highness, Prince Andrew appears to think that any kind of investigations into British Aerospace paying princes loadsamoney for favours, was all a damned nonsense, that the son of the head of state of the country he was in was dishonest, and that the French “en generale” were corrupt. All said towards the end of a lunch in Kyrgyzstan. (Ah, that explains a lot about his plain speaking; he was pissed).

Ho bloody ho Andy you big fat twerp (well, I know you appreciate a bit of plain speaking), that’s rich coming from a prince of the country where over half Mummy’s MPs and a good number of Mummy’s ministers were on the fiddle, not to mention a very sizable number of Mummy’s Lords.

Now I don’t know if the French are corrupt. My impression is no more so than most others (Chirac excepted), but coming from a Brit, it’s a bit on the bloody thick side.

Incidentally, why exactly was it, you privileged knob, that Timur Kulibayev, the son of the Kazakh President, bought your house, after it had been on the market for years, for £15 million, 3 million over the asking price? Nothing erm dodgy there Andy? No deals or anything?

Bloody idiot.

Pics: (1) The Noble but Unemployed Lord Young, who doesn’t have to worry about voters. (2) Something went wrong here. I Googled Howard Flight and got Howard the Duck, but as he was prettier, I just kept him. (3) Prince Tubby, making the kind of fool of himself with women 1/3 of his age, that he is best known for. (4) Well with such a depressing load of ugly old things, I thought a nice pic to cheer us up. This is Kirgizstan, and it looks good enough for a holiday, don’t you think?