According to my latest "Dear Peregrine" letter from the Conservatives, whilst the Labour Party are tearing themselves apart, the Tories are "building a country that works for everyone".
Well, that's kinda comforting. I'd truly love to live in a country that works for everyone, but I can't speak any more that a few words of any Scandinavian languages. "Þegar þú talar fljótt ég get ekki skilið þig", or "Har du noen brukt cornflakes?", won't get you very far in Iceland or Norway so that's that knocked on the head!
So this is exciting news readers, is it not?
The poor Tories say that it's alright for the Labour Party as they are funded by the Trades Unions... although they left out the bit about the 600,000 Labour members who pay membership fees, as opposed to the 150,000 Tories ( a number which, according to Norman Tebbit, is likely to drop) who send their money to the Conservatives. But what about all those people that Cameron just elevated to the peerage, handed knighthoods or made companions of honour? What do they do with their millions?
According to the email they sent me, not on this occasion from a big name to impress me... yeah well, to try to impress me... but just signed, "the Conservatives", "people in kitchens and living rooms all over Britain are looking for a party that will build a country that works for them".
But I thought that we already had a party which was doing just that...that in fact the writer had already told me in the first paragraph that this party not only existed but that they were indeed the Tories.
So, pardon me, but I'm confused. Why are people looking in their living rooms and kitchens for them? They are in London in posh restaurants, clubs and possibly even knocking shops. And why is no one looking in bathrooms and bedrooms? Or does that have overtones that Tories don't like to mention? Well, not in front of plebs.
Well, I expect it's not my place to query all that, but given the drivel of these statements, I'm not surprised that no one wanted to sign the email.
Anyway, the good news is that you can pay £25 and get a mug that says "Theresa May a country that works for everyone" which leaves me even more confused, because I had no idea that Theresa May was a country... or that she was working for everyone.
But then, I have to say, ya know that if you'd pay £25 for something you can get in Morrisons for £1.25, you don't really need a mug.
Because you kinda ARE a mug.