I wasn't going to say any more about the birth of Prince Dwayne or whatever he is to be called, but I was intrigued to hear that Ms Lamont had not had, or at least had not expressed, an opinion on the subject, so I looked up the BBC website’s piece on Scotland's leaders' messages.
It starts off quite reasonably (for the BBC).
First Minister Alex Salmond led Scotland's congratulations to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on the birth of their baby son. (Well, I suppose he would, although I suspect that the first minister would probably have used the Earl and Earless [or whatever] of Strathearn).
Mr Salmond said: "I am sure that people across Scotland will be absolutely thrilled to hear the news of the birth of a baby boy to the royal couple." (Of course Eck is not always right… there are those who don't care much one way or the other, but I suppose in fairness it's hardly the done thing to point that out.)
Scotland Secretary Michael Moore, who appears to be second in the pecking order, said he was delighted to hear that the royal couple, known as the Earl and Countess of Strathearn in Scotland (ah that's the word, earless makes it sound like the gal doesn't have any ears!), had welcomed a healthy baby boy. (I wonder if HE used the Strathearn title or the BBC edited it in.)
"The birth of an heir is a significant event for our country and the excitement and warmth on display has shown how much it matters to people across the UK. (He had to get that in… even though he has no remit outside Scotland and he was being asked as SOS for Scotland. To be fair to him, like Eck, he has to trot out the expected drivel, even if I've yet to see or hear of anyone in Scotland who gives a damn.)
Scottish Conservative leader Ruth Davidson said: "It's thrilling the whole country can welcome this future king into the world. (The whole of what country, Ruth? He will possibly [it’s maybe 60 years away] be king of 17 countries… do they get a say? Why not say, THE COUNTRY or COMMONWEALTH? Why make it political?)
Anas Sarwar, deputy leader of (imaginary) Scottish Labour, said: "Our congratulations go to the proud parents who must be delighted this moment has finally come (finally come? Has it been like 10 months or something?) and they have our best wishes on this happy day.
"The extraordinary scenes outside the hospital and the palace are testament to the joy felt all around the world for the new arrival and a fresh chapter begins in our country's future." (That's overdoing the drivel! How would scenes at two locations in London be testament to emotions in any other place, never mind all over the bloody world?)
But soft, where is the fragrant Johann? Is she in her bunker deep below Glasgow …in case Trident goes off by mistake, or so Ed can keep her hidden, or is she a republican who can't be trusted to say anything nice about the royals? Or is she just getting her pink jacket cleaned for the occasion?)
The Church of Scotland said: "The birth of a baby is a special event in any couple's life and a true gift from God." (Or... possibly the result of some royal sexual intercourse, maybe? …atheists have babies too!)
Lord Provost and Lord-Lieutenant of Aberdeen George Adam said: "I am absolutely thrilled to hear the happy news and glad to know that the Duchess of Cambridge and the baby are doing well.
"I am sure their royal highnesses will make wonderful parents (are you?) and hope that they will be given time and the privacy to enjoy this very special time together as a family." (Without people with inflated opinions of their own importance making pronouncements on it.) OK, I lied; he never said the last bit. I was just wondering why anyone asked him.
And the second big question of the day is… where the hell is wee Willie Rennie? When it comes to rent a gob, he’s not usually the hindmost.
Anyway...prizes for the person who guesses the bairn's name. I think it probably won't be Dwayne.